My stomach hurts from laughing so hard.....

[ifall 0]

This is some of the funniest shit I have read in a very long time. Enjoy....


The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.


Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Comet. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
#3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[mattjw916 2]

i just shit myself laughing... people are starting to stare...

NSCR-2376, SCR-15080

[shananay 0]

my father sent that one to me last year and I about fell out of my chair.THAT is some funny shit!

Do it Again!
P.M.S. #22
LaLa Gang #4

[mailin 0]

Arianna Frances

[PhillyKev 0]

Funnyiest thng about this thread is all of the references to dookie in the replies

[adamjenner 0]

HAHahahaha

i didn't read it all but hahahaha
i'm such a poser

[jb092 0]

I hate to ask this............but were is Ivan???

What could possibly go wrong?

[brits17 0]

hehe, yep gotten that one via email a few times. what can i say, damn texicans

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