Public Toilets for Women

[jumperconway 0]

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd take me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg, and we'd go home. That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years,"The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens, and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it. So, you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door, because the latch doesn't work, and your purse whams you on your head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue into a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat, because YOU never laid down the toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And, your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat, because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get." And, by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain, and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged through to the Indian Ocean. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chiclets wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here, you might need this."
At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
"What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and demand to go home, NOW!

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And, it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

PS - The answer to the other question, why women go in pairs?
So the other woman can hold the door and han you Kleenex.

[Bodyflight.Net 0]

This is very cute! Kept me laughing out loud through most of it. We travel quite often and my daughter and I are always in a strange welcome center bathroom, gas station stall or restaurant ladies room(which are usually better).

Teaching her 'the stance' has been a definite adventure and usually a bundle of laughs for both of us and has only yeilded a couple of 'puddles', but having both been there many times, I share your sentiment.

[ScottishJohn 25]

If all women asume "The Stance" when they use public toilets then surely that means that no bottom has touched the seat and it is as clean as the day it left the factory.

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If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[DTOXX 0]

Guys have a "stance" but is only used when we are truely drunk. The procedure for the stance is quite simple.

1. Positioning feet very wide.
2. Place non-dominant hand on wall over urinal. (thus creating the "tripod" effect.
3. Stare straight ahead. (NEVER look to the left or right. DO NOT hold conversation with ANYONE.)

-------
D.T. Holder
SIMstudy

[labrys 0]

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If all women asume "The Stance" when they use public toilets then surely that means that no bottom has touched the seat and it is as clean as the day it left the factory

No, if all women have assumed "The Stance" it means that at least half of them have waivered and peed all over the seat.

Owned by Remi #?

[mouth 0]

Conway, I so love you. I laughed until I cried.

My students think I'm crazy. Thank you for the humor becaue it is so true.

--
Hot Mama
At least you know where you stand even if it is in a pile of shit.

[jumperconway 0]

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Conway, I so love you. I laughed until I cried.

My students think I'm crazy. Thank you for the humor becaue it is so true.

Who luvs ya baby?

[Bolas 5]

Don't forget the stance over the bowl when the liquor wants to come out the same way it came in and you can't or don't want to go outside.

Down on knees one arm resting across the the bowl and your forehead on that arm. This is for two reasons:
1. You don't have to hold your head up.
2. You can pass out in this position without drowning and if you have to yak again all you have to do is open your mouth.

Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

[mouth 0]

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Conway, I so love you. I laughed until I cried.

My students think I'm crazy. Thank you for the humor becaue it is so true.

Who luvs ya baby?

You do...but just me.

--
Hot Mama
At least you know where you stand even if it is in a pile of shit.

[mouth 0]

OK I almost just fell in laughing when I went a fe minutes ago. OMG, the mental picture of that story really stuck with me.

--
Hot Mama
At least you know where you stand even if it is in a pile of shit.

[jumperoo 0]

Very funny.

I've always taken the position that if women would just sit their asses down on the seat, then no pee would get on the seats in the first place -- and thus there would be no need for the next person to assume the stance.

It's a vicious cycle.

[labrys 0]

One word:

"Crabs"

No, thanks

Owned by Remi #?

[peregrinerose 0]

Wasn't this a Dave Barry column a couple weeks ago?

Frankly I don't get it. Do you lick your ass? Do you eat off of your ass? Do you wipe your food or beverage on your ass prior to eating it? Does your ass come into contact with anything you lick or smell? If not, then who the hell cares if they get toilet cooties or not.

I really do get pissed off by people who pee on the seat and don't clean up after themselves. These people need to be stoned to death publically as an example, and I'll throw the first damn rock. Why? Because I don't pee on the freaking seat to begin with as I'm not afraid of butt cooties.

Though this article certainly explains why women take so freaking long to pee. I always wondered that.

Jen

Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda

[peregrinerose 0]

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One word:

"Crabs"

No, thanks

Totally an old wives tale. See below....


http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dpd/parasites/lice/factsht_pubic_lice.htm

Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda

[labrys 0]

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A common misbelief is that infestation can be spread by sitting on a toilet seat. This isn't likely, since lice cannot live long away from a warm human body.

How is "This isn't likely" the same as an old wives tale?

Edited to add: Did anyone else learn to "salute the head" in the military for just this reason?

Owned by Remi #?

[ChasingBlueSky 0]

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Guys have a "stance" but is only used when we are truely drunk. The procedure for the stance is quite simple.

1. Positioning feet very wide.
2. Place non-dominant hand on wall over urinal. (thus creating the "tripod" effect.
3. Stare straight ahead. (NEVER look to the left or right. DO NOT hold conversation with ANYONE.)

Now if all guys knew which stall to use. I hate it when the entire bathroom is empty and someone picks the one right next to me.

_________________________________________
you can burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me....
I WILL fly again.....

[happythoughts 0]

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One word:

"Crabs"

No, thanks

Doesn't matter. People keep throwing toothpicks into the john and the crabs are learning to polevault.

[happythoughts 0]

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Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

This is called "The Hover". All women do it. They make a little nest out of toilet paper and then squat over it.

The basic inaccuracy of feminine parts, coupled with the distance of The Hover, flings pee everywhere. Then, they come out and blame men for peeing on the seat. It's the same as how they blame farts on the dog. It's just failure to accept responsibility for their lives. They are lucky that they have men to make them happy.

[peregrinerose 0]

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This is called "The Hover". All women do it. They make a little nest out of toilet paper and then squat over it.

I don't hover or do any other stances to pee. I sit my butt down and pee. Or if I'm in the woods, I drop my drawers and go. I'll never understand why women think they have such tender bottoms or why they have such shy bladders. Apparently I missed this gene somewhere along the line.

Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda

[LouDiamond 1]

This just goes to prove how and oldwives tale has forever embedded itself into the psyche of women and is passed from one generation to another. It's pure lunacy and makes about as much sense as tossing salt over your left shoulder if you knock the shaker over. Scientific studies have proven that a person has more germs in their mouth at any given time than a public restroom seat. In fact, more germs(mostly fecal matter) are found on restaurant plates,etc than on toliet seats. The average ass has less germs than ones mouth. Women do this to themselves for no scientificly justifiable reason. So I say take a seat next time,sure wipe it off first but plop your ass down and do your business like a civilized person.

"It's just skydiving..additional drama is not required"
Some people dream about flying, I live my dream
SKYMONKEY PUBLISHING

[happythoughts 0]

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So I say take a seat next time,sure wipe it off first but plop your ass down and do your business like a civilized person

I think you have logically presented a valid course of actions with reasons, but your target audience was...

[mouth 0]

Actually the handle to the door is nastier than the seat. Personally I sit...but I do wipe the seat. I ALWAYS use my hand drying towel to open the door though.

--
Hot Mama
At least you know where you stand even if it is in a pile of shit.

[tigra 0]

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No, if all women have assumed "The Stance" it means that at least half of them have waivered and peed all over the seat.

Exactly! All these women who are so afraid of public toilets are the ones who are causing the problem and making them so nasty!

My mom has been known to "out" the women who pee on the seat in the bingo hall and don't clean up! I find that hysterical!

I'll wipe off the seat and use the papers covers, but I'll only squat if I'm desperate and the bathroom is gross!

[blueskyserenity 0]

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Actually the handle to the door is nastier than the seat. Personally I sit...but I do wipe the seat. I ALWAYS use my hand drying towel to open the door though.

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone. Hovering is difficult and messy. Clean it, use it, wash hands, open door w/ towel.

I like coconuts. You can break them open and they smell like ladies lying in the sun!

[Bodyflight.Net 0]

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I don't hover or do any other stances to pee. I sit my butt down and pee. Or if I'm in the woods, I drop my drawers and go. I'll never understand why women think they have such tender bottoms or why they have such shy bladders.

I'd MUCH rather squat in the woods or the side of the road than most public toilets, for sure... no problem with that here at all and that is because:

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Apparently I missed this gene somewhere along the line.

Apparently you have also been fortunate to miss the STDs and Staph infections that are alive and well on those same seats.


Do you realize that once infected with, let's use Staph as an example, it does not go away. Do you realize that a hair folicle on your butt or thigh is large enough to capture a staph bacteria and infect your body for life (razor burn, or cut, mosquito bite, etc)? It's a recurrent infection and manifests itself in a variety of different ways for different people.

Its not about tender, it's about sentencing myself, my family, sex partners or children to a second hand disease because I pretended not to know these things happen.