AirMail 0 #1 September 16, 2004 Dear Friends, the mind is a wonderful thing; curiosity is not a wonderful thing. To much of one and not enough of the other in the wrong hands can be lethal in some cases. My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes............... Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn (Name of the establishment changed to protect the innocent) that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that, if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat on my couch, my dog, Mini, looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Mini) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Mini for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to the wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and BBT hat on my head, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Mini looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Mini was standing over me making funny sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My hat was on the mantel of the fireplace. How did that get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think hey ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.-- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
speedy 0 #2 September 16, 2004 What on earth were you thinking of All I can say is I am glad you did not buy your wife an assault rifle to protect herself. Great story though Dave Fallschirmsport Marl Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Remster 30 #3 September 16, 2004 ROTFLMAO! Its one of those stories that you know where its heading, you just hope you're wrong! lmao....Remster Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yoink 321 #4 September 16, 2004 The sick thing? I betcha there are blokes reading this going "nah.... it can't be that bad... here let me try... ZZZAAP!!!!!!" next time, may I suggest dinner out and a bottle of wine for the anniversary? "happy aniversary honey... have a tazer!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mnealtx 0 #5 September 16, 2004 ROTFLMAOPIMP!!!!! My coworkers are all looking at me like I've lost my mind, now.....Mike I love you, Shannon and Jim. POPS 9708 , SCR 14706 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr2mk1g 10 #6 September 16, 2004 Man you broke the cardinal rule! All that and you didn't even think to set up a video camera on yourself first. Call yourself a skydiver!? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Viking 0 #7 September 16, 2004 Patrick you jackassI swear you must have footprints on the back of your helmet - chicagoskydiver My God has a bigger dick than your god -George Carlin Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #8 September 16, 2004 Do you do parties?I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BGill 0 #9 September 16, 2004 OMFG, that is by far the funniest story i have ever read. im still crying as i type this. hahahahahaha. ok time to go get the guys down the hall to read it... then off to the gun shop to get a tazer!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jimmytavino 16 #10 September 16, 2004 ..... .... hahahah!!! " a little knowledge is a dangerous thing!!!" ... I noticed that the stock of Tazer Inc... jumped something like 7.50/share this week....It was one of the markets "leading gainers".... you should reenact this "field test" for them,,,, and I'll video it... CAN speak..... damn.... bring that BadBoy to the DZ this weekend.. I am starting to get all sorts of Ideas...!!!!!! ..." won't leave when the green light comes On????" " did someone here have a complaint for the manifest office"..... ."can"t make a 5 minute call??? we KNOW how to hurry you Up..."... Hell... I can't even get 2 double A batteries to work in my remote.... and you harnessed them.. to create "testicular pandemonium". !!!! i would say,,, "rock On".. but it seems to me that you have already "been there,, done that" " jimmy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 37 #11 September 16, 2004 Heehee...it's a funny story, but I got in forwarded to me in an e-mail a couple weeks ago! She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Remster 30 #12 September 16, 2004 Quotebut I got in forwarded to me in an e-mail a couple weeks ago! BUSTED! lolRemster Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brains 2 #13 September 16, 2004 QuoteHeehee...it's a funny story, but I got in forwarded to me in an e-mail a couple weeks ago! Same here and i still laughed when i read it again. At our dz, a guy brought a tazer and several "volunteers" lined up and linked arms together and waited fot the "zap" all of them hit the floor about the same time, someone has video of it cause we watch it all the time, really funny. Never look down on someone, unless they are going down on you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
unformed 0 #14 September 16, 2004 that just gave me a great idea, for a TV commerical, they should actually zap somebody, show what it does to them, and then people will start buying more of it .... of course half of those will be using it for drunk pranks ..... that was the funniest stroy i've heard in a looooooooooong time This ad space for sale. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nutz 0 #15 September 16, 2004 Geez Patrick, that is pretty bad - and claiming that it happened to you, (I got this in an e-mail a couple of weeks ago myself.) This could cost you another fingertip - well at least beer. "Don't! Get! Eliminated!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Squeak 17 #16 September 16, 2004 OK I started laughing, just after you bouight the tazzer KNOWING what was coming up. I fell off my chair holding my sides in laughter That's just wayy to funny to be true, but I love it none the lessYou are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky) My Life ROCKS! How's yours doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RoadRash 0 #17 September 16, 2004 OMG Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude...that's nuts...LoL......Glad you are ok...but... If you are still in search of your "nuts"...ask your wife...women have a tendency to know where such things are...... Man, please be careful wouldja? I'd like to see you again...preferably in one piece and walking around...... ~R+R...One of those...Smile......~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Fly the friendly skies...^_^...})ii({...^_~... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tspillers 0 #18 September 16, 2004 Not to be harsh, but there is a phrase that comes to mind...... Dumbass........... I am not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
atsaubrey 0 #19 September 16, 2004 holy sh^t I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes"GOT LEAD?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Taylor610 0 #20 September 16, 2004 Do you do parties? *** Hey Turtle, do you know Estilo? How bout Surfia? Well there was this Tazer at one of the Harvest Moon Boogies that they were "hitting" each other with and I walked up and said what's that?? Needless to say, I can certainly appreciate Postal's description! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
diablopilot 2 #21 September 16, 2004 Hmmmm, the 9volt one I hit myself with once, made my leg twitch a little. Must have been a peice of junk.---------------------------------------------- You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slappie 9 #22 September 16, 2004 I don't care if it's a e-mail joke being passed around.. That is just fucking classic!! I have saved this and everyone I know will be reading it. Thanks for the smile AirMail "Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
catfishhunter 2 #23 September 16, 2004 That was Frigging Funny!Had me crying as well.That truly desribes what happens when you hit someone with one of those things, I have first hand knowledge. Back in the day when I was bangin' and slangin' there was a crackhead that would let us hit em' with a tazer for a rock. Funniest shit you EVER SAW. I would feel bad about it now but I already included it in my 4th step so it's funny again If your contemplating zappin' someone DON'T! (well don't do it more then a half dozen times!) Dude developped a twitch that I don't think ever went away, of course it could have been the cocaine Geez it has been awhile since I thought about that.... Thanks for the laugh! MAKE EVERY DAY COUNT Life is Short and we never know how long we are going to have. We must live life to the fullest EVERY DAY. Everything we do should have a greater purpose. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TypicalFish 0 #24 September 16, 2004 QuoteMan you broke the cardinal rule! All that and you didn't even think to set up a video camera on yourself first. Call yourself a skydiver!? EXCELLENT."I gargle no man's balls..." ussfpa on SOCNET Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
linny 1 #25 September 16, 2004 i'd have done the same thing. some lady came by selling those at my school a few months ago, i almost bought one just to try on myself. like i'd actually carry it in my purse. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
