NWS Friday Funnies...

[miked10270 0]

Here we go...

A man with an incredibly beautiful and randy young wife was getting ready to go on a long business trip. As his wife demanded sex several times a day, he thought he'd better buy her something really special to keep her occupied while he was away. So he popped in to his local Adult Shop. There was a very realistic blow-up Brad Pitt doll on sale but he decided that would only encourage her to shag his mates. He was browsing through the huge collection of dildos when the sales assistant came over and asked if he could help.

"It's got to be something really special", he explained. "My wife is very highly-sexed and if she isn't satisfied at least three times a day she'll go off with the first man she sees."
"How about this deluxe 10 inch vibrator with oscillating butt plug?"
"Too small."
"We have this 12 inch model."
"She hates pink."
"What about this multi-function massager? It has ten speeds and twenty-four different motions."
"Too complicated. She has trouble working the remote."
"OK. How about the 'Happy Henry?"
"Happy what?"
"The Happy Henry. It has a clitoral and labial stimulator and can be filled with six different flavours of cum. Our female customers swear by it."
"No..."
"What if I throw this anal arouser in for nothing? "
"No, I can't see that keeping her occupied for six weeks."
"Well, I don't really know what else to suggest, Sir. We have two hundred different dildos, with or without attachments, and several blow-up dolls, but I don't know of anything that will keep a highly-sexed woman amused for six weeks, except..."
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! If I don't get her something really special she'll just shag the first man she sees!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the - The Magic Willy. But it's VERY dangerous."
"It doesn't LOOK very dangerous," said the man. "From where I'm standing it looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
"But you haven't seen what it can do!"
The assistant picked up the vibrator, pointed it at a blow-up female doll, and said:
"Magic Willy - pussy!" The Magic Willy rose from his hand, shot over to the door, and started shagging the doll so hard it ripped.
"How do you stop it?"
"Easy, Sir." Before the doll could deflate the assistant shouted: "Magic Willy, return to your box!" The Magic Willy stopped, withdrew, and levitated back to its box.

"I'll take it!" said the man.
"It'll cost you six thousand pounds."
"I don't care. I have to have it."
The man took it home to his wife, told her it was a very special dildo and that all she had to do to use it, was say: 'Magic Willy - my pussy'. He was so happy that his wife would remain fully satisfied while he was gone that he quite forgot to tell her how to turn it off. The day after he left, his wife was so randy she thought of inviting her husbands' friends round for a gang bang but then she remembered the Magic Willy.

She took off her panties, lay down on her bed, and said: "Magic Willy - my pussy!" The Magic Willy was inside her in a flash. Her hard little clit was in heaven. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three hours and six mind-shattering orgasms, she was utterly exhausted and lay back on the bed gasping for breath.
She tried to turn The Magic Willy off, but she couldn't find a switch. Then she tried to pull it out but it wouldn't budge and continued shagging her. She tried squatting and she tried to lever it out, but nothing worked. After another three more intense orgasms she was so weak she could barely stand. She decided she had to go to hospital to get help. She put her clothes on and just managed to get the car out of the garage and into the road. By this time she was covered in sweat and shaking like a jelly and still the insatiable dildo wouldn't stop. Finally, after another explosive orgasm, she swerved into a tree and passed out. When she came round a policeman was hammering on the window of the car.

"OK", he asked, as she wound down the window, "How much have you had to drink?"
Gasping for breath and shuddering with every thrust of the dildo writhing inside her, she stammered, "N-Nothing, officer. It's this d-damned M-Magic W-Willy thing stuck in my pussy. It won't stop shagging me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
"I've heard some excuses but that takes the biscuit. Magic Willy, my arse!"





A young couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed about to consummate the marriage, when the blushing bride turned to the husband and murmured:
"Darling — I have a confession to make — I'm not a virgin."
"That's no big thing in this day and age," replied her husband.
"Thanks..." continued the woman; "I've only been with one other man."
"Oh yeah?" asked the husband Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Not Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yess.."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then made passionate love. When they were finished, the husband got up and walked to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asked his wife.
"I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Oh!" exclaimed his wife disappointedly. "Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" asked her husband.
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband put down the phone and got back into bed and made love to his wife a second time. When they were finished, he got up and went over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asked him.
"I'm still hungry, darling, so I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that," said his wife sulkily.
"Oh yeah? What the fuck would Tiger do?" demanded her husband irritably.
"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The man slammed the phone down and threw himself on top of his wife. Then he shagged her solidly for two hours. When she was finally satisfied, he dragged himself over the phone and started to dial with a trembling hand. His wife licked her lips and began to caress herself provocatively.
"Are you calling room service? She asked him.
"No!" snarled her husband, "I'm calling Tiger fucking Woods to find out what's par for this damned hole!"

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.

[adamjenner 0]

haha sweet those are funny jokes!!!
i heard the first one before but completely forgot about it until now!

[skymama 37]

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After three hours and six mind-shattering orgasms, she was utterly exhausted and lay back on the bed gasping for breath.

Wow, it takes her 3 hours just to get 6? She needs to work on that a little.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[gremlin 0]

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Wow, it takes her 3 hours just to get 6? She needs to work on that a little.

Some people are so greedy

I'm drunk, you're drunk, lets go back to mine....

[RevJim 0]

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After three hours and six mind-shattering orgasms, she was utterly exhausted and lay back on the bed gasping for breath.

Wow, it takes her 3 hours just to get 6? She needs to work on that a little.

Really? I figured 3-2 hour long orgasms would be enough!

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[freeflir29 0]

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She needs to work on that a little.

Hmmm.....wonder what she can get in 3 1/2 minutes? Ahhhh........does it really matter?

[flyhi 24]

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"No!" snarled her husband, "I'm calling Tiger fucking Woods to find out what's par for this damned hole!"

A little Ryder (pronounced "ride her") Cup humor?

Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics.