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Mike.

World Peace is Declared- George Bush Totally Pissed Off.


In a completely unexpected turn of events World Peace was declared this morning, signaling the end of all violence and murder planet wide. The announcement was made by Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana as he ate breakfast in the Duck Inn Cafe and Bait Shop. It may be remembered that Mr. Hymen was the original author of the World Peace Movement; six months ago, as he was he was reading the paper in Lu Lu’s Lox of Bagels, Mr. Hymen was heard to exclaim, “Jesus Christ on a Crutch, why can we all just learn to get along?”

It was one of those moments that change the course of history, but it began slowly at first.
Mary Ellen Mountjoy, who was sitting near Mr. Hymen responded, “You know Festus, you got yourself a point there. Why are we all fighting everywhere? It’s just gotta stop.” News of the exchange spread and one by one the residents of first Greater Metropolitan Billings, then all of Montana endorsed the movement. By the end of May all of the American Western States were on board and now it finally seems that everyone on the entire planet has signed on.

Well, almost everyone. President George W. Bush has expressed outrage and dismay that World Peace has been declared. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “ Man, when we first heard the news I thought that Bush would have a coronary. He started screaming at the TV ‘What the hell do they mean, Peace? No more wars, no more hatred? That’s crazy! What am I gonna tell the American People? If they think they’re all safe then they won’t need me to protect them! I’m screwed!’. I tried to tell him that he still could point to his accomplishments in the economy, education and the environment but he just started crying.”

Speaking on the condition of even more anonymity Waterhouse continued, “ I gotta admit, I’ve got mixed feelings about this World Peace thing. I mean sure, on the one hand it sounds great...no one gets bombed or shot or anything but think about it; this could ruin the entire fabric of our society. Since 1990 the United States has shipped more than $152 billion dollars in guns, planes, tanks and other weapons around the world. Do you know what kind of hit our economy would take if all that stopped? That’s over $10 billion a year we lose in sales, mostly from companies we in the Administration own stock in.
This is really gonna hurt our bottom line.”



Virgin's Branson Announces Plans for Private Spaceflight.


Sir Richard Branson: Virgin Space Pioneer
Sir Richard Branson announced that he would launch “Virgin Galactic”—an effort to build five space ships that will fly as high as 80 miles above earth. With seating for 5 passengers and a flight time of 3 hours, Sir Branson has hit upon a really terrific plan for wasting huge amounts of fuel and resources for those people capable of ponying up the expected $200,000 airfare.

At Virgin corporate headquarters, the switchboard lit up soon after the announcement.

Paris Hilton phoned in and asked if passengers would be allowed to do anything they wanted during the 3-hour flight. She then bought a pair of tickets and a new video camcorder. “I hope to be the first person to make love in space…”

Madonna phoned wanting to know if only virgins would be considered for the galactic space flights. When told of the company policy, she decided she would buy a ticket under her new identity of the week. It is rumored that Madonna is considering becoming a virgin once again and is looking for a surgeon who is up to the task.

Michael Moore was told that he would be required to purchase two tickets if he wanted to be lifted into space. “I think that is very unfair,” said Mr. Moore, “I’m going to film a documentary on all the unfair treatment that large people are subjected to in space travel.


A reporter asked Sir Branson if he would be on the first flight. “Oh, heavens no! It’s much too dangerous for me. I barely got out of that balloon thing alive. Besides, I’ve got so many things going on right now with this space thing, and I’m also getting into online music. Virgin’s “Digital Megastore” is going to give Apple a run for its money. Next week I’m going to be announcing a cure for a very well known fatal disease. Later in the month our Virgin Airlines will begin flights from the North Pole to the South Pole. Life has been very exciting for me. I want to be the first man to circle the earth on a pogo stick.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.