Re:Your recent Submarine purchase on Ebay.

[miked10270 0]

To: The Colonial Government of Canada.

From: Honest Tony @ Subs4U.con

Subject: HMCS chica... HMCS Chocki... HMCS Chucka... Your Recent Purchase.

Dear sirs,

Thank you for your recent purchase and the payment thereof in used non sequencial notes.

We understand that you have since experienced and publicised some teething troubles with our wonderful product. As such we feel duty bound to point out the following:

1. The vessel was "sold as seen" and was the subject of an independent inspection by messrs Bush Haliburton and Buggerrit, who pronounced it suitable for Canadian use.

2. We can confirm that the vessel had only one previous owner, a little old lady called Liz who only used it on Sundays to nip down to the shops at Calais to get cheap Gin for her Mum and Fags for her Sister. Further, Liz only used it when she didn't feel like waving to people.

3. All sales are final, and we note that you did not purchase the after sales care package from Barrow Shipbuilders, perhaps believing that since the vessel didn't have a wheelbarrow you wouldn't need the package.

4. Please note that any warrantry expressed or implied does not cover damage caused by the following:

a) Nailing Moose Heads to walls, particularly external ones.

b) Cutting holes in the floor to go fishing.

c) Modifications to the propulsion system - specifically making Kayak holes in the top, even if you think you can paddle faster.

d) Mistranslations of instructions and warning signs to include French. Frankly, in this case you have only yourself to blame. British Submarines are NOT fitted with an automated "Reddite" system!

e) Damage to fittings, floor and wall surfaces due to skates, pucks and sticks.

5. We would remind you that there is no wood used anywhere in this vessel other than the Captain's cabin. Consequently, it should have been obvious that your Grizzly Mascot would have nowhere else to shit!

6. We are presently towing your vessel back to the point of sale. Please note that the guys in the salvage pedaloes will NOT go faster if you use a long pole and some string to dangle a 6-pack of Molson in front of them. They've already tasted it.

7. Any repairs carried out by us will be charged at the rate of $CDN 12.00 per roll of Duct Tape. The tape is guaranteed impervious to fresh water only. Perhaps when you get it home you can just use it on lakes, rivers and stuff. Let's face it, that is your main threat axis.

8. We would remind you that The Submarine arm of a navy is known as "The "Silent Service". So shut up and stop bleating.

In conclusion, we're keeping the money, and would point out that claiming your recent purchase is; "About as much use as a submarine with screen doors" is an unworthy pun.

Yours Faithfully (yeah, sure),

Honest Tony.


PS. Can we interest you in some nice assault rifles which are manufactured to the same high standards?

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.

[DeNReN 0]

Funny...but in bad taste considering that damn piece of shit is still not safe yet and a Canadian officer has died...

Best to post this kinda joke after a little time has passed.

[tunaplanet 0]

ROFLMAO!

Very funny. Good job.

Forty-two

[miked10270 0]

To: Honest Tony @ Subs4u.con

From: Gullible Bill @ Canadagov.co.uk

Subject: HMCS Chicoutimi


Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your recent memo, which is now in the hands of our solicitors.

We would like to raise the following points regarding HMCS Chicoutimi. Incidentally, perhaps you will be good enough to learn to spell the vessel’s new name.

1. We now realize that the inspection by messrs Bush Haliburton & Buggerit was inadequate due to the fact that Bush & Halliburton did not have sufficiently good eyesight to see, let alone properly examine the vessel from Waco, Texas. We have also learned that the third inspector is normally employed as a shopping trolley collector at the Faslane branch of Tesco Supermarket.

2. An inspection of the submarine by the crew lead us to suspect that this is NOT a “State of the Art” underwater weapon as advertised due to the following:

a) The “Silent underwater propulsion system” allegedly capable of attaining 20 knots submerged actually consists of a rubber band, which has snapped. One of the crew, who happens to be a skydiver, has pointed out that the rubber band was of inferior quality, and had it been made of Tube Stoes then it would never have failed.
b) The surface propulsion system, capable of 12 knots, is in fact 2 hamsters on a wheel. One of the hamsters has died after drinking the diesel oil fed to it instead of water by our crew believing this to be the appropriate fuel.
c) We were very disturbed to find that sections of the pressure hull still have the remains of “Heinz Baked Beans” labels affixed thereto.
d) The “Schnorkel” underwater breathing tube was found to be lacking the ping-pong ball in the little cage at the top.
e) The periscopes are made from numerous Bacofoil cardboard tubes and 2 of Cherie Blair’s vanity mirrors. We believe that leaving the last 7 inches of cooking foil still on the cardboard tube is not sufficient waterproofing of the ‘said cardboard tubes.
f) Examination of the vessel’s propeller reveals the inscription “Messerschmit A.G. 1939” on the hub and it appears to come from a WWII German Bomber. As such, we doubt it’s suitability for sea water use.

3. With regard to the armaments system, we are also dissatisfied with the following:

a) The instructions “Do not overwind” on the torpedo keyholes do not inspire confidence. Plus, we can’t find the winding key.
b) Quite frankly we expected a somewhat more advanced surface to surface missile system than a catapult and some ball bearings.
c) Likewise, the CIWS (close in weapons system) appears to consist of the wardroom darts set.

4. We accept your claims regarding the previous owner. These claims are in fact borne out by the fact that Numbers 3, 5 and 8 ballast tanks were still full of export proof (60% volume) London Gin, and our Grizzly Mascot is presently indisposed after eating 12 cartons of Marlboro (By appointment etc…) which he found under the chart table. We would point out however; that we feel the vessel was not properly valeted prior to delivery. We will be sending you the vets bill for our mascot. As a gesture of goodwill, our crew have volunteered to drain the aforesaid ballast tanks. They mentioned something like “They’ve bloody earned it” in a recent signal to us, but we cannot confirm their exact words since for some reason the signal was not entirely clear.

5. We expect the vessel to arrive back with you shortly. We further expect that the dockyard workers will moderate their behaviour compared to last time. In particular please instruct them NOT to laugh like they did when our crew set out.

6. We would take this opportunity to point out that we have been approached by Shady Pierre, a representative of Rumsfeld (Alabama) Mfg.Co. He informs us that he can obtain a former American submarine which is presently available for recommission in Charleston. He points out that not only is the “CSS Hunley” Class submarine considerably cheaper, but that is has already been proven successful in combat.


In conclusion, we expect you to repair and refurbish the vessel to an adequate and safe standard, failing which we will be forced to consider Shady Pierre’s offer. We also want some of the used notes back from your Chancellor of the Exchequer. Failing this, our Grizzly Mascot will be paying a visit to the offices of your associate Clever Gordon to check out his wood paneling.

Yours Faithfully,

Gullible Bill.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.

[miked10270 0]

To: Gullible Bill @ canadagov.co.uk

From: Salty Pierre at BayouBargains.com

Subject: Canadian Submarines.

Hiya Y’all,

Me and the good ole boys down here and over at Cousin Jack’s Swamp surplus have heard about the bad times y’all’ve had with dat good fo’ nuthin’ England Navy tin can. An’ we is in a damn rootin-tootin fix to sort yout yo’ li’l ole problem right down heah in the good ole southern U S of A.

Now the way we sees it is that y’all’re needin’ a little sumthin’ to make GODDAMN sure that them Yankees ain’t gonna come a headin’ north on yo’ sorry li’l asses blockadin’ ports an’ shee’it. I mean, it’s all just fine and dandy while we gotta good godfearin’ godtalkin Texan in d’ seat o’ power, but all that can change faster than a possum hearin’ a rifle bolt! An’ de only good t’ing about that Bean Eatin’ Yankee competitor is that he’s sure no’ gonna come over on the invasion boats in person, is he.

Anyways, me and cousin Jack have the right dandy weapons system fo’ yo’ specific needs. We ain’t gonna give y’all some bull about surface speed, submerged speed, endoorance an’ all that moosecrap like them fancy England guys woulda’ done. No Sir-ee. What way we see it is dat yo’ all is worried about a Yankee Navy Blockade. So what we is offering y’all is a submerged wee-ay-pons system that’s already been PROOFED SUCCESSFUL in just dat sityooashun.

Now y’all just sit back an’ relax while I tells y’all about about the good ole CSS Hunley class submarine.

Dis submarine’s combat record speaks jus’ fine fo’ it’s little ole self; One mission – One Damn Yankee ship good ‘n’ sunk. An’ all without the crew having to eat those damn silicone chips. We all knows silicone is only good fo’ one damn thing, and that was fixin’ Flat Louise’s superstructure (if yo’ know what I mean) so’s she could marry Mayor Clement.

Now, at this point I jus’ know what y’all are thinkin’. Y’all is thinkin’ back to how the CSS Hunley never got back that time. Well, lemmee tell you this. We fixed dat thing. What we is gonna do is supply the Hunley Class submarine with it’s very own launch vehicle and damn foolproof homing system.

Maybe I shouldn’t be a tellin’ y’all this (but you seem honest folks). What we gonna do is give y’all Burt’s ole breakdown truck with it’s winch. We replaced that big bulky steel towing cable with a whole sheeyitload of premier salmon & Pike line outta Mayor Clem’s Fish and Bait Shop (Flat Louise got us a damn good discount – which we is passin right along to y’all). Y’all just winch yo’ Hunley Class into the water, She goes and sinks the Goddamn Devil Lovin Yankees, and when yo’ Launch System operator sees the bang, he jus’ gotta start the winch on Burt’s truck, and home yo’ heroes come. We think’s itta damn good blend o’ hi-tech and reliability, an’ none of Clem’s fishin lines have ever broke, even when some white trash outta Georgia wuz dynamite-fishin’ jus’ upstream.

Instructions in French is gonna be a cinch. Most of the folks aroun' heah parlez the Franglaise jus fine. We is even got a crew simulator set up for y'all at http://www.hunley.org/main_index.asp?CONTENT=SIMULATOR

The other advantage we is givin’ y’all is that yo’ don’ gotta sail the t’ing all the way to Canada. Yo’ complete weapons system (includin’ launch vehicle, trailer and homin’ system) can just boogie on up I-55, an’ it ain’t gonna sink there, is it? Like I was a tellin’ y’all; RELIABILITY.

Export licenses is gonna be no problemo. Mayor Clement,s got a guy Dozy George in his pocket up in Dee-Cee and can get us the licence just as soon as the ink’s dry.

Oh Yeah. Mayor Clement sez that “time is of the Essence” or sumthin’ and we can accept payment in US Dollars if y’all are fast about this. Yo’ can jus’ drop the money in Washington with Dark Connie an’ yo’ truck is on it’s way. If yo don’t make it by November 3rd, then Clem says we gotta have gold or diamonds (uncut). Y’all is gonna have to take that to Harry’s Bar, Nassau. Yo’ won’t miss dark Connie there, She’ll be in the bar. She’s the one with the big beard and the Raybans.

Y’aa jus’ get back to us right away, heah.

Yours an’ stuff,

Salty Pierre.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.