Can This Go Here? Share your jokes!

[aerohaga 0]

I am a total joke junkie-I'll share mine, and y'all do the same!

The Man & The Alligator


A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you
a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his
mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while,
a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard."


And you thought it was an alligator joke.

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh

[bodypilot1 0]

Salesman knocks on the door of a house.

A 7 yr old boy opens it wearing a Tu tu, a top, smoking a cigar and drinking a Martini.

The salesman askes, "Are your parents home?"

The little boy replies, "What the fuck do you think?"


-

www.WestCoastWingsuits.com
www.PrecisionSkydiving.com

[Dougiefresh 0]

Guy hears a knock at the door. Gets up, goes to the door, and there's no one there. He looks down and there's a snail sitting there. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.

A year later, there's a knock at the door. The guy gets up, goes to the door, and there's no one there. He looks down and there's a snail there. The snail says, "What the fuck was that for?"

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams

[RevJim 0]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well! , strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[RevJim 0]

Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
The Texas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the California mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The California mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texas mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the Wisconsin mouse. The Wisconsin mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this Bull Shit". Gotta go home and fuck the cat."

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[IanHarrop 42]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she always complained about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. And he tried to plow a lot.

One day when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began annoying him. Complain, nag, nag ... it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught her smack in the back of the head; killed her dead on the spot!

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a female mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

"Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me" Dorothy

[aerohaga 0]

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP:

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh

[SpeedRacer 1]

Quote

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

yeah right.

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

[PhreeZone 20]

What do you call a girl with one leg? Eliene
Where do you take her for dinner? IHOP

*groan*

Yesterday is history
And tomorrow is a mystery

Parachutemanuals.com

[aerohaga 0]

Oh, so we like the "punny" ones, do we?
Try this----

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing my teeth. "Oooh!" I would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work. Suddenly and without provocation, my wife stomped into the bathroom and gave me a swift kick in the behind.

Bewildered, I asked, " What was that for?"
"I'm sorry," she replied stiffly, "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers."

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh