BillyVance 35 #1 January 14, 2005 Most of these are pretty dumb but I thought it might give some of you guys a break from work at least. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. ---------- What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. ---------- Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. ---------- What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. ---------- Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father. ---------- What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick. ---------- SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!) What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. ---------- What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. ---------- What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. ---------- What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. ---------- What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. ---------- Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. ---------- Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. ---------- What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. ---------- What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ---------- A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. ---------- What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. ---------- What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?" ---------- What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. ---------- Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. ---------- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. ---------- Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." ---------- Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. ---------- SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff) What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" ---------- Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ---------- What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. ---------- What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. ---------- What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". ---------- How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! ---------- What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." ---------- Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gravitymaster 0 #2 January 14, 2005 A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's an Audi." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EdC 0 #3 January 14, 2005 A young girl had not been feeling well and went to see her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex with only our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed." Big Ed Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quattro4Life 0 #4 January 14, 2005 The pall bearers are carrying a casket out of a church when they accidentally bump into a wall, and it jars the casket. They hear a faint moan from inside, so they open it to find that the woman is still alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. The funeral is held at the same church, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are carrying out the casket again. As they're walking, the husband says, "For Christ's sakes, watch out for the fucking wall." ------------------------------------- There's a guy with a Doberman pincher and a guy with a chijuajua. The guy with the Doberman pincher says to the guy with a chijuajua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the chijuajua says, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he goes to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed. The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're excellent." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the chijuajua figures, "What the hell." He puts on a pair of dark glasses and goes to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the chijuajua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A chijuajua?" He says, "They gave me a chijuajua?" -------------------------------------------- An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well, yes. Actually I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." --------------------------------------------- An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I’ve never been better!" he boasted. "I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a huge grizzly bear appeared in front of him! Terrified, he raised up the umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No" The doctor continued, "There was a loud explosion, and the bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That’s impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear." "That’s kind of what I’m getting at..." Replied the doctor --------------------------------------- Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer." Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'" She said, "'No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?" -bI'm not the percent you think survives, I need sanctuary in the pages of this book... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FlyinNover 0 #5 January 18, 2005 Check out this thread. ---Nover Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildcard451 0 #6 January 18, 2005 Oh why not, I don't think I have pissed anyone off yet today... http://media.skoopy.com/vids/vid_00415.wmv Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
