Monday Jokes

[DShiznit 0]

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[DShiznit 0]

alrighty, I'm done, since I'm the only freaking one!!!!

[boinky 0]

Quote

alrighty, I'm done, since I'm the only freaking one!!!!

NO, please don't quit. I'm appreciating you...REALLY I am!!! Here's one for you!

Pee By Number


A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

"1. Open your fly. 2. Take out your equipment. 3. Pull back the skin. 4. Do your business. 5. Let the skin forward. 6. Stow your equipment. 7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[DShiznit 0]

Quote

I'm appreciating you...REALLY I am!!!

oldie but goody

...A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,

"Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come on up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they burn one or two. After a while the lizard says his mouth is really dry and he's going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. An alligator sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard,

"What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the alligator that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The alligator says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing another joint, and he looks up and says,

"Hey you!"

The monkey looks down and says,

"Shit dude.....How much water did you drink?"

[DShiznit 0]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE DID IT!!!

[DShiznit 0]

LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!

So I call my baby girl to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on yo mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her.

I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "You ain't my daddy . . . and to watch the expression on yo face . . . ."

[DShiznit 0]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I ! saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[DShiznit 0]

On Christmas morning, a cop is sitting at a traffic light on horseback, and next to him is a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket but before riding off, he says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put the d*ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[DShiznit 0]

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor,sometimes the bull wins!"

[boinky 0]

Timbuktu


The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was "TIMBUKTU".

The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.


The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.

Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:

Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.


The redneck won hands down

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[DShiznit 0]

A man comes home early from work.
His wife meets him at the door.
wife: "Honey, why are you home so early?"
husband " well I got fired!"
she says "what do you mean you got fired ? you've been working in that pickle factory for twenty years"
he says " well for twenty years I've been wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer and today I did!"
the wife runs over and rips his pants down to inspect the damage. "well you look alright to me what happened to the pickle slicer?"
he said " they fired her too!"

[boinky 0]

Redneck Pickup Line


What's the most popular pickup line in Alabama?

Nice tooth!

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[DShiznit 0]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...












...so I told her to fuck off.

[boinky 0]

Airplane


A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[DShiznit 0]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. Works every time!"

[DShiznit 0]

Ok.....18 year old girl tells her mother that she is 3 months late on her period. Well, the mother is just enraged with anger, storms out of the house and returns a few minutes later with an EPT (Error Proof Test) pregnancy test. She tells her daughter to go to the restroom and take the test.

After a couple minutes, the daughter returns with the EPT test. Lo and behold, she is pregnant. The mother just goes crazy, yelling and screaming at her daughter. "How could you let this happen?" "Who is the pig that has done this to you?"

The daughter leaves the room and makes a phone call. The mother calls her husband and, in a flash he walks in the door. Not saying much but, she can tell her is furious with her.

About an hour later, a new Ferrari, Bright red 355GTS, pulls into the driveway. An older, distinguished gentleman, salt & Pepper hair, middle 50's, gets out of the car and comes to the door. The youg girl escorts the man to the living room where her mother and father are seated.

The man sits down and says, "First, I must say that I apologize for this inconvience that I have caused your family." But, I am a man who will take care of her and her child. I cannot leave my own family so, here is what I will do.... If she bears a boy, I will bequeth him a Factory, a home in the city, a summer home at the lake and a bank account worth 2 million dollars.

If she bears a girl, I will bequeth her a Factory, a townhome in the city, and a bank account worth 1 million dollars.

If by chance she bears twins, A factory each, townhome each and 1 million each.

Now, in the unfortunate circumstance that she has a miscarrige, what do you suppose I should do?"

Before anyone could speak, the father of the young girl stands up and walks over to the man. He puts a strong, firm grasp on the man's shoulder, neals down and say's.......

"You'll fuck her again!!"

[boinky 0]

This one is for Billy!

A Cherry (Bomb) Of An Idea


After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[DShiznit 0]

Three 'strangers' strike up a conversation in the airport passenger
lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock
show, and the third passenger is a 'fundamentalist' Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.



Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim, and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind
outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping;
but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat
and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people
were many, but sadly, now we are few."


The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and
from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
but I do believe it's a-comin'."

[aerohaga 0]

Q:Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

A:He sold his soul to Santa.


Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh

[DShiznit 0]

3 women die tragically in 3 different automobile accidents, they all go to heaven and are greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter told all 3 women just to make sure they didnt step on any of the geese wandering around- (there were millions of geese)

One of the three were walking around and stepped on a goose....and soon after St. Peter shows up and brings the ugliest man she had ever seen, and shackled the two together- to spend eternity as her punishment.

The two women left watched the whole thing and were terrified they would end up the same way- so they watched their step everywhere they went.

A few days went by, and one of the women accidently stepped on a goose. Here comes St. Peter with an even uglier man! AND as usual they were shackled together for eternity for her punishment.


The last woman is just horrified this will happen to her, so for ages she was careful to where she stepped.

One day she is walking along and here comes St. Peter with an absolutely gorgeous man- and shackles the two together. The woman thinking for her good behavior- looked at the dreamy man and said " What did I do!"

He looked at her and said " I dunno what you did, but I stepped on one of the stupid geese.

[boinky 0]

Sorry...brain fart!

Thanks for playing with us. I was starting to feel [B]SO[/B] unloved.

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[aerohaga 0]

Top 10 Dog peeves about humans---

10. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

9. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

8. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

7. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

6. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we
chew your stuff up when you're not home.

5. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo
Hoooooooo!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

4. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back!

3. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry,
but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

2. Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

1. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss
here !!!

(you don't see me picking up your poop do you ) ???

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh

[DShiznit 0]

Quote

Nina

HAH!!! That's a funny one!!!

[DShiznit 0]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties and used them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath on a grave, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phone the other husband and said " These girls nights out have to stop. My wife came home with no panties."
"That's nothing!" said the other husband. Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you!"

[aerohaga 0]

This sounds like something my daughter would say!

I was in the 12 items or less express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,

"So which twelve items would you like to buy?"

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh