kansasskydiver 0 #1 July 29, 2005 Does any of this sound familiar? QuoteThe inventor of dorms, let's find him, make him pay for the travesties he's visited on America's youth, and force him to listen to Matchbox 20. Can't you see him designing these hellish stacks of humanity many years ago? From the sidewalk, he raised his hands TRIUMPHANTLY and said, "It shall be like the projects with less violence and more Marijuana!" He then took lumber and Elmer's Paste, as it is often called, to create these pet carrier sized rooms that we live in. You wanna know why people from the projects hardly ever go to college? It’s because they don’t want to leave their lush surroundings. The actual term “dormitory” is of course derived from the Latin term for sleep, which is appropriate because that is all you have space to do. You have to do it standing up in the bathroom sink, but it can be done. The luckier students have space to scratch their asses, but the windows have to be open and their roommates have to be gone for the weekend. When you go home, the closets even feel like a gymnasium, and you can romp around in the bathroom like a horny antelope. I can’t imagine the kids who brought everything they own to the dorm. I brought a condom and a sock. Next semester I hope to have a towel and the other sock. I also need a new condom. Forget having space to sleep. Who sleeps anyways? Nobody on campus. I think it’s a rule. This one kid tried, but no one knows what happened to him. Let’s just say his floor mates never saw him awake again. I feel like I’m a member of the national insomnia coalition. Our agenda involves a lot of Frappacino and staring at the test pattern on tv. It’s like this strange pseudo vampire lifestyle. Did you know that if you stay up late enough they play the Tonight Show over again and it still isn’t funny? No sleep really fucks with your eating habits too. Every night at 2 in the morning you get as hungry as a Bosnian and you have to go to the vending machine to watch the one bagel spin in the carousel of salmonella. People have White Zombie playing until 5 am, which to me really encompasses my mood at 5 am. I could be listening to Kenny G and it would seem hardcore at 5 in the morning. It doesn’t matter because you still can’t get an open clothes drier minutes before sunrise. There’s this one chick who’s always tying up an entire drier with one pair of panties. I let it slide because it gives me an opportunity to watch hypnotically tumbling panties. The worst is when she turns out to be morbidly obese and you have to vomit in your laundry basket. Not that the dryer works anyway. I could fart on my laundry and get it drier than the converted toaster ovens that the university supplies. Dry jeans? Forget about it. I had to covert mine to a deep-sea wet suit. So what if you want to leave the dorm? Get ready for a chore. You’ll need keys, ID, bag, books, a map, an umbrella, sun glasses, insulin, a snake bite kit, mace, a pack mule, and an Algonquin Indian translator. Then you have to go walking through the building kissing the asses of all the dweebs you live with and holding the door for anyone in the same county. What’s with the door holding policy? Like opening a door requires a spotter. If you’ve got arms, an ordinated foot, or useful nub, open your own damn door. People on roller blades I accept, people on bikes I have urge to clothesline but tolerate, but people on skateboards have a value just below medically retarded nazis. It must be explained to them that skateboards were cool when we were 11 and even then they weren’t that cool. Where are you headed? Probably going to get something to eat at the dining hall. The only dish they haven’t fucked up is Lucky Charms. I think the university supplies them with a blender and unlimited horsemeat mixed with some retired circus animals. The key to making the menu fresh and exciting is the food coloring. The charming and buck-toothed lunch ladies proudly announce, “Yesterday we had chicken nuggets and today we present to you blue chicken chunks that are totally unrelated to the nugget dish we served you just yesterday. We are serious; they have nothing to do with each other. I stake my hair net on it, you can even have extra blue in yours.” And the ladies (who really seem to love living in the exciting scooping career) refuse to serve more than what fits on a toothpick. You can’t just ask for a large portion, you have to ask for “more than the offensive line could consume this semester.” Then you get a second blue nugget. Remember how excited the potato bar got you the first week? Now the potato bar makes you homicidal. (What are bacon flavored bits made of?) Then you get to come home to your room. Mine is called a suite, which is a pretty cruel manipulation of the English language. I get to spend time with the closet case that the boarding office apparently found compatible with me. He’s like Chewbacca’s considerably less attractive estranged midget cousin. A wookie also has better control of the English language. My roommate is another rant all together. Most people get one of two kinds of roommates, the one who sharpens knives while he watches you sleep (mine), and the one who asks you what it’s like to go outside (also mine). End you dorm day by hopping in the shower. It’s as big as a Tupperware container. It has 3 temperatures, fucking hot, really fucking hot, and nuclear. Whenever somebody flushes a toilet on campus the temperature goes to skin removal levels and I go blind for a few minutes. I sweat it is connected to ever toilet. My brother flushed the toilet at home last week and I called him to tell him to be a little more considerate. The bathroom is as clean as any fast food restaurant urinal cake after the average college student cleans the shitter with a bottle of Vodka it’s as clean as any bus station. I’ve given up on cleaning the bathroom and I’m disinfecting myself. A quick spray down with Lysol Direct and my body is fresh and repellent to several bacteria. Bottom line. Turn up the music and try to get high off the fumes coming from under the bathroom door because they never share. The “best days of your life” will be over soon<--- See look, pink dolphins DO exist! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slappie 9 #2 July 29, 2005 OMG!! PARAGRAPHS ARE YOUR FRIEND!! That is so hard to read I got to the second line and decided to rag your ass!! *edit* "Did you life live in the dorms in college?" "Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildcard451 0 #3 July 29, 2005 slappie beat me to it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vallerina 2 #4 July 29, 2005 QuoteDoes any of this sound familiar? Luckily, NO! I really enjoyed staying in the dorms. It was a great time! A good chunk of my friends actually stayed in the dorms their sophomore and junior years. Maybe our dorms were above average....There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ChrisL 2 #5 July 29, 2005 No dorms in college cuz I didnt GO to college __ My mighty steed Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RfukfreeflyingW 0 #6 July 29, 2005 Yeah dude paragraphs... That pretty muched summed up my dorm life, but I actually enjoyed the dorm, wouldn't do it again, but would give it up for the world...---- -God, you are the perfect amount of dumb... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kansasskydiver 0 #7 July 29, 2005 Sorry I didn't right it<--- See look, pink dolphins DO exist! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airgirl24 0 #8 July 29, 2005 yup...dorms for the first 2 years...now im in a house..the only thing that sucks is that our landlord lives right next door in the same building. booya they may have given me life but skydiving gives me breath ..katie.. http://community.webshots.com/user/goalie85 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jceman 1 #9 July 29, 2005 QuoteSorry I didn't right it Boy, talk about your Freudian Slip! You not only didn't write it, you didn't right it either. Lack of authorship is no excuse for posting a non-formatted, unreadable bunch of drivel -- pity, too, because it might have been a funny read. Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money. Why do they call it "Tourist Season" if we can't shoot them? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #10 July 29, 2005 Sorry, doesn't sound familar. My dorm life included many many many pushups and such, yelling, running, etc.--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
indyz 1 #11 July 29, 2005 I lived in the dorms and I hated it. I just can't live in that close proximity with somebody (or in my case, two somebodies). I really need my own bedroom, or anywhere I can shut the door and be alone for an hour or two a day, and so that at night Alex "The Human Chainsaw" and Carlos "He's Got To Be Hurting Himself" won't bother me with their snoring. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BlindBrick 0 #12 July 29, 2005 Heh, I was a non-traditional colelge student who spent the last two years in on-campus housing. Fortunately, Student Life equated being non-tradtional with being more mature and I ended up running my building as an As. Residnece Director. So I had a full apartment to myself and all the toys acquired from when I dropped out of school to play in the real world, 60" big screen, humongous rack system, ect. Life was good. -Blind"If you end up in an alligator's jaws, naked, you probably did something to deserve it." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
