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lawrocket

An Amazing Day and an Amazing Year - Long

By lawrocket, in The Bonfire

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lawrocket    3

lawrocket
As I write this, it was one year ago that my wife was in the hospital. August 10, 2004 had me taking her to the hospital at 5:45 a.m. We'd recently started a business and moved to a new rental house. But this trip to the hospital was different. Our lives would be forever different because of the challenges that this would present. How could we manage a business?

At 3:11 p.m., Conor was born. The terror that I was experiencing that day was tremendous. I'd ask myself, "How am I gonna handle seeing Erin in pain?" "How is our relationship going to be?" "How in the world am I going to be a good father, good husband, good attorney, good businessman?"

She was due on August 3. We'd spent a week agonizing. Her week was agony at wondering whether this baby would ever decide to leave. I was in agony knowing that I did this to her. "I did this to her" is a feeling that would come to dominate the coming year. :P August 10 was the date chosen for eviction.

Previous to that day I had begged my wife to ask for an epidural at 4 cm. She had started buying into the thought that this could be done without anesthesia and wanted to see if she could make it to 6 or longer. I made her promise me to ask for an epidural at 4.

After about an hour and a half after the Pitocin was administered, she started feeling it. That was tough watching her struggle through that pain. It was so acute - it reminded me of her when she suffered those Charley Horses throughout her pregnancy. The first couple of times she woke up yelling it scared the hell outta me. "Oh my God! We're only at 24 weeks!" 3:00 a.m. and trying to mold her foot back into a normal shape from it's talon-like pronation was easy. Getting back to sleep wasn't.

So, after about an hour of this, the nurse came in to check. I reminded her of her promise, and she readily volunteered to the nurse that she was ready for an epidural. I figured it would take 45 minutes for the anesthesiologist to come in. Two minutes later, he walks through the door.

This was an amazing dude. It was comical, even. "Tho, thomeone needsth thome aneth-thethia?" He had a lisp and a lazy eye. I'm thinking to myself, "This cat's gonna be sticking a needle into my wife's back." He did a wonderful, quick and efficient job, though. A minute afterward my wife did something she hadn't done in months - she laid down on her back and went to sleep. On her back! I talked to him shortly thereafter and thanked him. He said, "You might not know it but I may have just thaved your mawwiage." It was after this that I told my wife I made her promise to get the epidural for me and not her. I had no business being an emotional wreck during this time.

Hours went by and she progressed well. Then delivery. She pushed for only about a half hour. Thanks to the epidural she was well rested and strong. One of the key concerns that we had was that Conor would be albino. Albinism runs in my family - my paternal grandmother was albino - and while I'm not albino to call me fair-skinned would be an understatement. As she was pushing the doctor said, "Great job. I saw his head and some hair." I stopped. I asked the doctor, "Albino hair?" She looked at me in a very weird way and said, "No. Brown hair." I jumped and cheered (I wanted a tension breaker.) Erin's mom and sister-in-law were there and both knew why I asked the question.

Erin's mom was to cut the cord. I was asked if I wanted to do it and I said, "No, thanks." When asked why I said, "You doctors get paid for this. My attention is directed at Erin." So The Donna volunteered.

I expected to be present at the birth of a lizard. Babies look like hell when they are born. Throughout the whole time I never looked down. I looked into Erin's eyes while she pushed. I thought she deserved to see the baby before me. He came out, made some noise and got put right on Erin's chest. She smiled (I'm tearing up here) and then I looked down to see the single most beautiful sight ever in history. Sure, he was a conehead. Labor will do that and I knew his head would go to normal in the next hour or so.

The other thing striking, and was commented upon by all who saw him was the sheer size of his sack. I mean, on an adult male it would be comparable to bowling ball sized elephantitis. Just a normal hydrocele, I told myself, but I had to confirm this with Anita (the sister-in-law, who is an MD).

He was 20 minutes old when the attached picture was taken. Love was in my heart - pure, unconditional. I'm sure I've felt unconditional love before, but I can't remember it. But I knew that Conor was the one person in the world who wouldn't let me down for the foreseeable future.

8 pounds, 15 ounces and 21 1/2 inches. I'm glad he was an ounce shy. 9 pounds would have require a 24 hour stay in the hospital.

A couple of hours later we moved to another hospital room. I then got to change his first diaper. Meconium is no joke.>:( Erin gets to handle the next one.

We were fortunate. He was perfectly healthy. Erin did great. At 2245 that night they were discharged. We spent that night with him.

The second night was the worst night ever for Erin. We'd gotten a small bed for Conor to be put on our bed and ensure that we wouldn't roll over on him. Conor would wake up every couple of minutes with the Moro reflex. Erin still didn't have a good feel for breastfeeding. At about 2:45 she came in and woke me up in tears saying the baby won't stop crying and she almost dropped him. I said, "Erin. Strip him to his diaper." After repeating it she complied. I took the bed, which we subsequently called "The Coffin" and threw it off the bed. Conor calmed down. Erin and I laid down next to him. Conor went to sleep.

It was the worst night. After that, it was much easier.

Parenthood is amazing. It's beautiful, wonderful and exceptionally tiring. But what Conor has accomplished is amazing. Conor could hold his head up and turn it when he was an hour old. We videod his first laughing spell in September. He was standing up with help of funiture by November and crawling when he was 7 months old. He was walking at the end of May, and running by the first of July.

I've been spit up on, thrown up on, peed on and shit on - projectile mustard poopy all over. And I love him.

He was saying, "Mama" by December. Only this past Saturday did he start saying, "Daddy."

And that kid is a chick magnet! It's a good thing I worship my wife or there could have been trouble.

He's started sharing. He is so sweet. He's a total pill sometimes, too. We've been through sicknesses with him and fear of other problems. But he's come through fine. Surprisingly, so have we as parents.



From a business standpoint, things took off. We all just moved into our first house less than 6 weeks ago, and it certainly is not a starter home but one we'll be happy with for the next 5-10 years. We can't move up in quality of the home, but only in size. We are building a good reputation and other attorneys are referring us business. We are paid off on consumer debt. Things look great.

This does not mean that this year has been without troubles. New baby, new business, new responsibilities. Considering that I moved 250 miles north a couple of years ago I really struggled. My coping mechanisms were gone and my dedication to my son led to some other troubles as a businessman. I'd had my ADHD under control for 10 years. Once baby came along, everything changed. All of this related to lack of responsibility with our business. I could still lawyer well, but running the business was a sheer nightmare, and I failed miserably.

There were times when I thought I was going to lose my wife. There was a severe bout of depression last fall at the troubles I had caused. There was the four month struggle to make behavioral modifications and the everlasting struggle to maintain them.

But, Conor showed me something. He showed me that it is sometimes okay to be selfish. I love my wife and I love my son and I am selfish enough to want to keep them. That means I will do anything to keep them. And it meant seeking help with those things that I needed to improve and admitting that I just couldn't do it myself.

In the past couple of months life has been beautiful. Wondrous. Exciting. I've found myself contented - and I've never felt that before. Now it's time to work on keeping myself content.

This last year I have experienced highs like I have never known. I have also experienced despairs like I have never known. I'm back on a high note. :)
Conor has changed my life in so many ways. My life is no longer about me. I don't hang out at night anymore. I don't feel that overwhelming desire to go have fun. Golfing, skydiving, gigging with a band - it's all down there now on my list of things to do.

I now have the most fun and get the most enjoyment from being with my son and my wife. Seeing my son smile and laugh as he chases me around the house is more thrilling and more fulfilling than anything else I have ever done. So I guess maybe my life is all about me. And all I want to do on my time off is be a great father and husband. Weekend on the links or a weekend with my son? How on earth can fathers golf every weekend when there are kids to hang with?

He is now one year old, and in the last 21 months he taught me more about love than anybody or anything. That one year old taught me far more than I could ever hope to teach him in the course of his life.

Conor, happy birthday. Thank you for teaching me what love really is.

And my regard and esteem for my lovely wife, who did the hard work at giving me that gift, is more now than it ever was. She made me a better man. Erin, thank you for teaching as much about love as Conor did.

Can any future year be as amazing as this last year has been? I don't know, but I can't wait to find out.


My wife is hotter than your wife.

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mnealtx    0

mnealtx
It's simultaneously the most terrifying and gratifying experience in the world....

What a fantastic post...congrats to you and Erin, and Happy Birthday, Conor!

*you still look about 15, tho... :P
Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

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Darius11    12

Darius11
I am happy that your life is where you want it to be. To be loved and loving is one of the most beautiful things in this world.


Happy Birthday Connor:)

And thank you for being a good dad
I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

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outlawphx    1

outlawphx
Great post!

For most of my adult life, I was a vocal opponent of every having kids, and I had all of the the typical male bachelor reasons.

Luckily I met a woman who convinced me otherwise, and I am so thankful every day that I have my son (also a Connor). It would of been a tragedy if I had gone my whole life not knowing all of the love and joy that he has brought out of me.

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