boinky 0 #1 August 13, 2005 For those of us who can't jump this weekend, for whatever reason, how about we have a joke session...to entertain one another? I'll start: QuoteA guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligators mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard." And you thought it was an alligator joke. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hemphog 0 #2 August 13, 2005 A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and orders her to open the vault. She says, "But, sir, it's just a sperm bank!" "Open it now!" he demands. She opens the vault, and it's full of test tube samples. "Take one and drink it" says the guy. "But it's sperm!" she pleads. "Do it!" So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well" he continues. The nurse does as she's told. Finally, after four samples the man takes off his ski mask. It's her husband! "See?" he says. "Was it that bad?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Ya we'll rape the local objects, and maybe do some jumps too!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
boinky 0 #4 August 13, 2005 [B][BLACK]ROFLMAO!!![/BLACK][/B] That was SO wrong, but funny just the same! Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #5 August 13, 2005 Ok, here's one: Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FallingOsh 0 #6 August 14, 2005 This penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to smoke. He pulls into a small auto repair shop and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic glances under the hood and tells the penguin it could be a few minutes before he figures out the problem. Now, it's about 92 degrees outside, so the little penguin decides to waddle over to the store for some ice cream. After several minutes of struggling with the wrapper (cause he doesn't have thumbs) the penguin begins eating the ice cream and waddling back over to the auto shop. Upon arriving at the shop, the mechanic steps out and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly replies, "Nope, it's just ice cream." -------------------------------------------------- Stay positive and love your life. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FrEaK_aCcIdEnT 0 #7 August 14, 2005 my turn. a guy is traveling along a desert road when his radiator hose blows out and the car overheats. he is forced to abandon his vehicle and walk for help. Problem is that he hasnt seen any place for assistance for over 20 miles. so he sets out to back track to the gas station he passed 20 miles back. on his way he comes across and indian lying on his back completely butt ass naked with a stiffy(erect penis) pointing straight up in the air. He asks the indian "What the hell are u doing?" the indian replies..."im telling the time." in a disbelieving tone he replies "ok, what time is it?" The indian replies"its 3:27" he looks at the watch on his wrist and sure enough its 3:27. astonished he continues on his way to the gas station down the road. about 3 miles down the road he sees another indian again lying on his back in the dirt woth a stiffy pointed skyword. again he asks what he is doing and again the indian says "im telling the time. so with the thought in his head that surely the first indian just got lucky with the time, he askes..."ok what time is it" to his amazement the indian gives the correct time of 4:18. he tells the indian that he is crazy and goes on his way trying to figure out how in the hell he could tell the time that way. about 7 miles further down the road he comes up on a third indian lying on his back and instead of having a stiffy he finds this indian to be jacking off like a mad man. he asks"what the hell are u doing man?" the indian replies... "im winding my watch" ExPeCt ThE uNeXpEcTeD! DoNt MiNd ThE tYpOs, Im LaZy On CoRrEcTiOnS! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
boinky 0 #8 August 14, 2005 [B]OMG,[/B] that was SO[/B] bad!!!! Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #9 August 14, 2005 I told that one at the DZ the last time I was there! Funny that you mention it here on DZ.com. ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
