ACMESkydiver 0 #1 October 1, 2005 Posted on http://www.rockclimbing.com/post/1201840: Quote Since we are now exhibiting mutual curiosity, much like step-siblings getting to know one another (or like some drunken slob hitting on a chick in a bar), the Acme-girl has decided to offer her services to you, dear ones. To help acquaint you with skydiver lore, legend, custom, and camaraderie, I have compiled the following list: ‘Acme’s Guide to Becoming and Instant Skydiver’. It is a sure-fire ways to blend in at any dropzone. You’ll be the talk of the DZ, I guarantee it… 1.) You can instantly assimilate all you need to know about our sport by watching ‘Cutaway’ and ‘Terminal Velocity’, and the Subway commercial. 2.) Do not get too hung up on details when skydiving. Make sure you let your instructors know that, “After all, it’s just falling out of an airplane. How hard can that sh@t be?” 3.) Upon initial arrival at any DZ, be sure to ask manifest where their ‘beer light’ is. 4.) Any reference to female breasts is highly frowned upon and unacceptable banter both online and in the aircraft. Exposure of female breasts on an aircraft will bring about dire consequences from the pilot and will always be reported to the FAA as indecent exposure. 5.) The ‘f’ word has significance to skydivers. When walking around a brand new dropzone, be sure to tell the locals that it is your ‘first’ time skydiving, and your ‘first’ time on the dropzone, and your ‘first’ time in a jump-plane. Be sure to bring plenty of cases of Zima, the true skydiver’s drink of preference. 6.) Be sure to take a large breath prior to exiting the aircraft; you will not be able to breathe on the way down. 7.) To fit in with the typical DZ crowd, be sure to invite the DZO and S&TA Officer on a jump to represent your skills (pronounced ‘SKEE-illz’). Pull well below their pull time; dominance must be established early on if you want to get in on the ‘good jumps’. 8.) Canopy wingloading is of highest importance to your status at any DZ. Unless you are loading at least 1.75:1 on a fully elliptical canopy, you can bet your sweet a$$ you won’t be with the cool kids. Make this happen by 50 jumps max. Any further waiting on downsizing canopies could result in loss of the desire to do so. 9.) When exiting a Cessna 182, be sure to have a very firm grip upon the strut, which may be slick to sweaty hands. –To ensure that you have a firm grip, climb out onto the step the instant ‘Door’ is called and hold on. You may be on the step for 30 seconds or better, depending upon your pilot. Have no fear, the pilots find it a challenge to account for the extra drag, and do not mind. 10.) You will frequently hear the phrase “Naw, I’ll fix that sh%t on the plane.” Skydivers with the knowledge, experience, and awareness to repair gear aboard an aircraft are going to be master-riggers for certain; pay close attention to these people and emulate them. 11.) The title of ‘One-Hundred Jump Wonder’ is bestowed upon the best of the best at any dropzone. 12.) IDENTIFICATION: As you may or may not know, skydiving has various disciplines, similar to your sport, I’m sure. Here are some simple ways to ID some of the basic discipline groups: • RW (Relative Workers, aka ‘Belly-Flyers’) –Gramma and grandpa. • FreeFlyers –Blue hair. Pierced ears. Pierced tongue. Pierced lip. Pierced Eyebrow. Pierced…etc. Over-use of the word ‘dude’. • CReW Dawgs –The dark side. Theme song is “Wrap it up, I’ll Take it.” • Swoopers –Freeflyers that got bored. • BASE jumpers –Freeflyers that got bored and began taking drugs. • Accuracy –Prior military. Make sure you salute them if you see them. 13.) Be cautious in our sport if you are an overly-beautiful woman. Overly-beautiful women don’t seem to get enough attention or the right kind of training. (or at least, that’s what some shmuck has tried to convince us on the ‘.com) 14.) Most DZO’s (that’s ‘Dropzone Owner’) have strict rules against pieings, streaking, drinking, flashing, and spankings. Be sure to avoid all reference to any of the afore-mentioned activities, or you will be labeled a ‘trouble-maker’. 15.) Skydivers all LOVE Blue Oyster Cult. You will hear us referring to ‘BOC’ frequently. 16.) You will notice that 98% of jumpers wear Tevas®. Since the goal is fitting in, wear them for your first jump. 17.) Skydivers are very much like teenagers; after about 100 jumps, you will have jumping abilities and knowledge that surpass those that have been jumping for years. Remember: any precautionary advice the ‘old timers’ give you is only because they don’t know your mad skills (again, pronounced ‘SKEE-illz’). 18.) Upon learning that you are speaking to a real, live, skydiver you have but two choices in your response: a. "I've always wanted to do that." or b. "Why would anyone jump out of a perfectly good airplane?" Any other response would be far too cliche' and we have heard it too often. By following Acme’s handy ‘Guide to Becoming an Instant Sky-Diver’, you will find that you can seamlessly blend in to any dropzone environment, skydiver party, or aerial event. To borrow GFD’s sig line: Do NOT take this post seriously… -Now then, what kind of shoes am I supposed to wear to go rock climbing? Tee-hee, tee-hee...~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NWFlyer 2 #2 October 1, 2005 Jaye, Jaye, Jaye... "There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
riddler 0 #3 October 1, 2005 Quote‘Acme’s Guide to Becoming and Instant Skydiver’ Just add water.Trapped on the surface of a sphere. XKCD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hookitt 1 #4 October 1, 2005 Number 17 is accurate The rest won't make a lot of sense unless you're a skydiver. I'm a freeflyer without peircings and BASE jumper with out a drug habit That explains a lot.My grammar sometimes resembles that of magnetic refrigerator poetry... Ghetto Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #5 October 1, 2005 QuoteThe rest won't make a lot of sense unless you're a skydiver. That was the point, Hook...duh...! -And no piercings or drugs?? How are these rock-heads gonna recognize you then?? ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #6 October 1, 2005 QuoteJaye, Jaye, Jaye... ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hookitt 1 #7 October 1, 2005 Who wants to be recognized when you're calling them rock headsMy grammar sometimes resembles that of magnetic refrigerator poetry... Ghetto Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnGraham 0 #8 October 1, 2005 Quote15.) Skydivers all LOVE Blue Oyster Cult. You will hear us referring to ‘BOC’ frequently. So that's what BOC means! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KMonster 0 #9 October 2, 2005 Normally I wouldn't read a post that long, but that was just too funny, hahaha! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PLFKING 4 #10 October 2, 2005 Yet another shining example of the willingness of jumpers to educate the newbies. I wonder if climbers are as selfless in nature ? Don"When in doubt I whip it out, I got me a rock-and-roll band. It's a free-for-all." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 16 #11 October 2, 2005 You're an instructor, aren't you? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #12 October 2, 2005 QuoteYou're an instructor, aren't you? No John, USPA won't give me a rating. I think it's because they were jealous of my overwhelming beauty and mad SKEE-illz. -That or I never went through the training, who knows! ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #13 October 2, 2005 Why hello Katie! How are you? ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TomAiello 26 #14 October 2, 2005 I am strongly considering writing a "Become a Rock Star in 10 minutes or less" post...-- Tom Aiello Tom@SnakeRiverBASE.com SnakeRiverBASE.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildblue 7 #15 October 2, 2005 FreeFlyers –Blue hair. Pierced ears. Pierced tongue. Pierced lip. Pierced Eyebrow. Pierced…etc. Over-use of the word ‘dude’. Jesus was a freeflyer - I've proved that here somewhere before. I like your ref to BOC. Don't fear the Reaper. You should have seen that sunrise, with your own eyes.it's like incest - you're substituting convenience for quality Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #16 October 2, 2005 My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NWFlyer 2 #17 October 2, 2005 Quote15.) Skydivers all LOVE Blue Oyster Cult. You will hear us referring to ‘BOC’ frequently. And just like that, the whole "More Cowbell" thing comes full circle!"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #18 October 2, 2005 QuoteQuote15.) Skydivers all LOVE Blue Oyster Cult. You will hear us referring to ‘BOC’ frequently. And just like that, the whole "More Cowbell" thing comes full circle! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA I didn't even think of that! -Do you know I still envision that SNL skit almost daily? Makes me SMILE!!!!! ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #19 October 2, 2005 -And yet again I prove my spirit of service and cooperation with our extended family in this world of (society-labeled) 'Extreme Sports'... http://www.rockclimbing.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1202179#1202179 Oh hell, half of you won't bother to link over so here: Quote SHOOT GUYS!!! I am so TERRIBLY sorry, I forgot the MOST IMPORTANT THING regarding freefall: 19.) Moving about during freefall is just like swimming. Most skydivers prefer the breast stroke. (Pic would be attached, however, I see your forums have rules that ours don't...perhaps your mods wouldn't condemn me for a link, though? ) http://www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=303820#303820 Clicky over to dz.com post with pic Man did I make some major grammatical mistakes in my first post! I think my brain is deteriorating...~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kris 0 #20 October 2, 2005 Your clicky is wrong.Sky, Muff Bro, Rodriguez Bro, and Bastion of Purity and Innocence!™ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #21 October 2, 2005 QuoteYour clicky is wrong. Fixed it! Weird, it was right on rc.com...& I just cut and pasted. ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
