Friday Jokes

[Pawel 0]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth !

[FlyingTed 0]

#1094

[rasmack 0]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff waits, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

HF #682, Team Dirty Sanchez #227
“I simply hate, detest, loathe, despise, and abhor redundancy.”
- Not quite Oscar Wilde...

[Ashtanga 0]

I guy was going down on a girl in a dark forest.

"I think I need a flashlight." he says.

"I think so to. You've been licking grass for the last ten minutes." she said.

[hobbes4star 0]

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and
the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and
I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves
o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for
a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore.....
they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[ShadowPenguin 0]

Quote

I guy was going down on a girl in a dark forest.

"I think I need a flashlight." he says.

"I think so to. You've been licking grass for the last ten minutes." she said.

WARNING RAW AND DISGUSTING!!
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guy in a girl meet in a bar, get very drunk, and she whispers to him, lets go back to my place.

Soon as they get there, they start tearing clothes off and he goes down on her. As he's going at it gets a piece of corn in his mouth, things WTF but he's drunk so he keeps going, then gets a piece of chicken stuff in his teeth, and it smells REALLY bad down there, again he's REALLY loaded so he keeps going,

FINALLY he gets a piece of spaghetti stuck in his teeth, jumps up says THATS IT!! DAMN WOMAN YOU SICK OR SOMETHING??

she says "No, but the guy before you was"

/sorry

[SkyTango 0]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria which defines a patient to be institutionalised. "Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub".

OK, here's your test:

1. Would you use the teaspoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand" said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup".

"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug!
Do you want a room with or without a view?"


JC

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.

[ChrisL 2]

Quote

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff waits, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

I dont normally get into bashing the President, but this was funny

__

My mighty steed

[Ashtanga 0]

An old man hears that eating wheat bread will make him get hard for a long time. He goes to the store and gets six loaves of wheat bread and takes it to the counter. The guy at the counter says, "You know that it will get hard before you eat it all." The old man says, "Damn. Am I the only person that didn't know this?"

[ifall 0]

This is long but well worth it.

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

[Rebecca 0]

So, did he get a second date?

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[SpeedRacer 1]

Heard that one before: one of those FOAF stories. still good though!

Speed Racer
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[Rebecca 0]

FOAF... FOAF...

Fell off a fence?
Farted out a feces?
Faked out a farmer?

Ohhhhhh...Friend of a friend!!!

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[SpeedRacer 1]

Friend of a Friend....you know, like when someone tells you a story, & you say it's just an urban legend, and he says ,"Nuh-uh, I know it's true 'cos it happened to a friend of this guy I know!"

or, "I got it in an email from my friend So&So, and he doesn't forward junk email!"

Speed Racer
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[ifall 0]

Exactly. I got it in an email and just copied the whole thing. I thought about taking that foaf part.

[Rebecca 0]

Quote

Friend of a Friend....you know, like when someone tells you a story, & you say it's just an urban legend, and he says ,"Nuh-uh, I know it's true 'cos it happened to a friend of this guy I know!"

or, "I got it in an email from my friend So&So, and he doesn't forward junk email!"

I know silly boy - did you read my whole post?

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[Diversgodown 0]

Fucking hilarious!!!!

***Glory Favors the Bold***