waltappel 1 #1 December 6, 2005 Ok, one more confessional before I move on to something else. This one is about fear and loathing at the doctor’s office. Ladies, I realize that I and all other men are second-class citizens when it comes to fear and loathing at the doctor’s office. You have it worse, but we still have it bad sometimes. This is about one of those times. Most men, me included learn to fear the doctor’s office. It happens after we hear for the first time, that we “need” to start getting an annual prostate exam and that today, during this very doctor’s office visit, we will launch a butt-probe career that will last for the rest of our lives. Visions of the movie, “Deliverance”, go through our heads. “Squeal like a pig, boy!!!” Then, the doctor proceeds to do a fairly good job of making us squeal like a pig! It doesn’t take us long to figure out that going to the doctor is a really, really bad idea unless we are seriously ill or injured. This is not about the annual prostate exam, though. It’s about one of those “seriously ill or injured” things. Well kinda. This kind of crosses the boundary of being “Too Much Information (TMI)”, and it really makes me cringe talking about it, but here’s the deal. My left nipple got infected. There. I said it. My left nipple got infected. It didn’t happen in a truly acceptable and cool way that make would make any guy proud. “Doc, my nipple got infected after I got drunk and decided to stick three fish hooks into it to prove to the world that I could hang myself from a streetlight using only a few strands of 18-lb. test nylon monofilament fishing line and 3 fish hooks.” “Yeah, doc, I guess 28 separate piercings through one nipple is a bit much.” “I know it sounds silly, but I burned half my nipple off with a blow torch to win a five dollar bet.” No, that’s not how it happened to me. I was living in a small town. Living in a small town and being a bit bored makes all sorts of things suddenly seem ok because the alternative is boredom. Ever heard the term “cabin fever”? It’s a truly scary thing. Living in that environment, I felt like the luckiest guy on the planet because I had a girlfriend who was a first-string pervert. That just did wonders to help pass time in an entertaining way. She had this weird thing about sucking my nipples until they hurt like getting a simultaneous pair of Texas Tittie Twisters from an All-Pro Defensive Tackle on steroids. “Aiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!” Anyway, I could deal with the pain when it happened. No big deal. One day, though I noticed by left nipple was starting to hurt full-time. This seemed like a bad thing. Not one to avoid kicking someone when they were down, my girlfriend made a real point of telling me that men get breast cancer too and I’d better get it checked. She even highly recommended a doctor. I’ve already admitted to being retarded and this is pretty good evidence. My girlfriend, who regularly inflicted pain on me that would bring Mr. T to his knees recommended the doctor. It never crossed my mind that she wasn’t exactly the nurturing type and that might be something to think about. Needless to say, the Genius of the Year award went to someone else that year. The thought of going to the doctor’s office to get it taken care of really didn’t bother me that much. No way in hell was I going to tell them how it happened. If they asked, I would simply claim ignorance, which, being kind of retarded, I’ve been able to play dumb and get away with it quite well over the years. People naturally believe me when I act dumb. So it was with total confidence that I went to the doctor who came with GF's highest recommendations. Ok, so I get to the doctor’s office and experience kind of a small town charm about the place. The doctor is a distinguished, grandfatherly looking man and his wife is his nurse. The doctor’s office is in a charming converted old house. Little did I know that I was being led to the slaughter. I went to the exam room with the nurse, who was a sweet, grandmotherly looking sort. The doctor soon followed. “Ok, young man, pull off your shirt and have a seat on the exam table.” “That really[/I] is swollen!”, he said. “How on earth did that happen?” Putting my most naïve and innocent look on my face, I responded, “I have absolutely no idea. It just really started hurting a few days ago and has kept getting worse.” [All reason told me that there would be no further questions. Was this the case? Oh, HELL NO!!!”] “Hmmm. Have you had any serious falls recently, where you landed on your chest?” “Nope.” “How about contact sports? Have you played football or anything like that recently?” “Uh, no, nothing like that.” This was turning into The Inquisition! Dr. Grandpa is interrogating me and Nurse Grandma is standing right there watching!!! God—they know I am lying. My mind started racing. “Shit!, this is starting to feel like one of those old World War II movies where a German officer is pacing and saying in his most ominous voice, “Ve haf [I]vays[/I] of making you talk—you swine!!!!” I mustered all my resolve. Yes, I am retarded. I am loathsome. But even I have some remnants of what might have at one time passed for a sense of shame. No way in hell am I gonna tell Grandpa and Grandma that I am a lowly little perv! “Are you sure about that”, he asked. Things like this just don’t normally happen without some sort of injury.” [Oh please, don’t make me admit to being a perv in front of Grandma! At least have the decency to send her out of the room!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!”] Like nearly all of my attempts at telepathy, my thoughts made absolutely no difference. “Look. There’s something going on there. You need to tell us.” [I am embarrassed to admit it, but I broke.] [“Ok, you’re right. My girlfriend likes to suck on my nipples so hard that I’m thinking she could suck start a jumbo jet!!! Is that what you want to hear?!! I’m a fucking lowlife pervert!!! I was bored!! It wasn’t my fault!!! Just pleeeeeeeeeease, oh pleeeeeeeeeease, stop the interrogation and fix it!!! Oh, while you’re at it, a little reassurance that I don’t have male breast cancer would be kind of nice!!!”] Well, that’s not [I]exactly[/I], but I said, but I did admit the truth. That was bad enough, but it was the little smirk that Nurse Granny had on her face that really made me cringe. She knew. Grandma knew. Fuck!!! Dr. Grandpa seemed quite pleased with himself at getting me to confess. Nurse Granny was also quite amused. “Ok, here’s a prescription. Just take it until you’ve taken all the tablets and you should be fine. Just let us know if you have any more problems.” Then came the clencher. “And tell you girlfriend to leave your nipples alone for a while!!!” “Yes sir.” I couldn’t even look Nurse Granny in the face. At least I didn’t think I could, but I had to as I was handing her the check for the office visit. She was giving me a look like, “Yep, you little perv, I know your secret.” Damn, did I feel dirty. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NWFlyer 2 #2 December 6, 2005 Are you working through one of the twelve steps or something? "There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #3 December 6, 2005 QuoteAre you working through one of the twelve steps or something? No, I just got on a weird kind of roll with writing this stuff. I think it's pretty much run its course though, and I do feel a bit better. edited to add: Be glad that I'm not writing about my experiences working in a state mental hospital. Yes, I said WORKING in the mental hospital! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindercles 0 #4 December 6, 2005 QuoteSo it was with total confidence that I went to the doctor who came isn't that against the hipprcratic oath? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #5 December 6, 2005 QuoteQuoteSo it was with total confidence that I went to the doctor who came isn't that against the hipprcratic oath? Whoops!!! Finished the sentence Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RhondaLea 4 #6 December 6, 2005 OMG! It could've been worse, Walt. At least she didn't have a thing for inserting objects into orifices. rlIf you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindercles 0 #7 December 6, 2005 Quote OMG! It could've been worse, Walt. At least she didn't have a thing for inserting objects into orifices. rl he never said she didn't! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #8 December 6, 2005 QuoteQuote OMG! It could've been worse, Walt. At least she didn't have a thing for inserting objects into orifices. rl he never said she didn't! *** Now THERE'S a picture I didn't need! ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #9 December 6, 2005 Quote OMG! It could've been worse, Walt. At least she didn't have a thing for inserting objects into orifices. rl You know, it would probably not bother me if it happened now, but at the time it felt like one of those things that would scar me for life! Yep, a prostate check on top of all that would have...hell, I don't even want to think about it!!! edited to add: I get it now, after reading airtwardo's post. I think I'm going to go barf!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #10 December 6, 2005 QuoteQuote OMG! It could've been worse, Walt. At least she didn't have a thing for inserting objects into orifices. rl he never said she didn't! If by "she" you mean the girlfriend, no I don't think she ever did anything like that to me. Not that I would put it past her to drug me and do some really bad thing to me while I was passed out, but I don't think anything like that happened. If you mean "Nurse Granny", I don't even want to think about it. Not even a little bit!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jonstark 8 #11 December 6, 2005 I'm liking you more and more better Walt. You got a sense of humor and style. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
highfly 0 #12 December 6, 2005 Hey there aint nowt wrong with having your prostate checked every so often. You know its the male G spot? www.myspace.com/durtymac Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #13 December 6, 2005 QuoteI'm liking you more and more better Walt. You got a sense of humor and style. Thanks. It's probably safe to say that I'll never get another date the rest of my life since posting this stuff lately, but I'm getting some good laughs just writing about it. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindercles 0 #14 December 6, 2005 QuoteNo, I just got on a weird kind of roll with writing this stuff. I think it's pretty much run its course though, and I do feel a bit better. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! keep this stuff comin' bro! it both entertains me and makes me nostalgic for my stupid days Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #15 December 6, 2005 QuoteQuoteNo, I just got on a weird kind of roll with writing this stuff. I think it's pretty much run its course though, and I do feel a bit better. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! keep this stuff comin' bro! it both entertains me and makes me nostalgic for my stupid days Thanks, but I'm going to take a break from the stupid stuff for a while. Earlier I was thinking about the fact that I worked at a state mental hospital for about a year and a half (I used to be a nurse) so I'll try and think of some of the funnier stuff that's not too far over the edge and write about it. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindsey 0 #16 December 6, 2005 QuoteQuoteSo it was with total confidence that I went to the doctor who came isn't that against the hipprcratic oath? ....when his nurse sucked his nipples later that night. Don't assume that the smirk was them laughing at you. linz-- A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #17 December 6, 2005 QuoteQuoteQuoteSo it was with total confidence that I went to the doctor who came isn't that against the hipprcratic oath? ....when his nurse sucked his nipples later that night. Don't assume that the smirk was them laughing at you. linz Ya' know, not even *my* sick and twisted mind ever thought of that possibility! Yuk!!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #18 December 6, 2005 Do not lie (or omit information ) to doctors. Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 35 #19 December 6, 2005 QuoteHey there aint nowt wrong with having your prostate checked every so often. You know its the male G spot? Ahh fuck! This brought back memories of that movie Road Trip with Seann William Scott getting a finger fuck from the nurse at the sperm bank... "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Erroll 80 #20 December 6, 2005 QuoteThen came the clencher. Walt, unless you meant to write clincher, I'm not so sure that you didn't get a prostate exam after all! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #21 December 6, 2005 QuoteQuoteThen came the clencher. Walt, unless you meant to write clincher, I'm not so sure that you didn't get a prostate exam after all! Trust me. No prostate exam!!! I could write a really long piece on my fear of prostate exams, but so could just about any guy. I had spent some years working in the medical field as a nurse, so you would think that very little, including admitting to my doctor that I've been a bad little perv or getting a prostate exam would be no big deal. Wrong on both counts! As a nurse, occasionally I would hear stories about people coming in to the Emergency Room with oddball things stuck in body cavities. I used to laugh at the parts of those stories where the patient would come up with some ridiculous line of BS about how the foreign object happened to get lodged in their body cavity. I always thought that if something like that happened to me, my response to the doctor's question about how it happened would be really simple and straightforward. "How the hell do you think it got there doc? I, sir, am a freak--a perv of the highest order!" With the infected nipple thing, though, I didn't feel quite so brazen. It would have been ok, I think, if they hadn't been so grandparent-like. It was like being a kid on Santa's lap and saying, "Santa, this year I want an 18" double dong and a vibrating butt plug!". It just seems so wrong. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveStMarys 0 #22 December 6, 2005 OMG! OMG! I'm gonna pee myself! Stop!!!!!!!! P.S. Hope you nipple feels better real soon! Bwaaah! BobbiA miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #23 December 6, 2005 QuoteOMG! OMG! I'm gonna pee myself! Stop!!!!!!!! P.S. Hope you nipple feels better real soon! Bwaaah! Bobbi It actually happened about 15 years ago, so I've been physically healed for quite some time. Not too sure about the emotional scarring, but at least I can talk about it now! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveStMarys 0 #24 December 6, 2005 Well at least you can talk about it....errr 15 yrs after the fact. Lets not keep things bottled up for so long, 'kay? Bwahhhhhhhh BobbiA miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
