waltappel 1 #1 December 9, 2005 What started out as posting a couple of funny stories seems to have turned into a series. In case you missed the earlier postings, here are some links: "Maybe the greenies don't like it when you act like a fool...": A true story about just how stupid I can get when I'm really frustrated. "More Stupid HumanTricks": A story of me getting stupid with some hot sauce. "My Visit to a Bordello": Just like the title says... "One more reason to hate the doctor's office": Nipple infections are not fun but can be funny. "I am a bad man when I get bored": My encounter with a perv in a laundromat "I am not a smart man when I'm drunk": A BASE site scouting trip gone bad. This one is about making career choices that are truly based on the kind of person you are. How do you figure out that you've made some really bad career choices? Sometimes, it just becomes really obvious. For me, my bad career choices came to haunt me in the form of a psychotic twenty-something who was soaked in his own piss, jumping up and down on a bed like the wildman from Borneo, and from a very crazed look in his eyes, making me think that he was going to launch off the bed and swoop his piss-soaked, psychotic self down on me like a peregrine falcon swooping in for the kill. At least there was background music. Those moments in life should always have background music. Everyone has heard the old line, "Ah, Spring, when a young man’s fancy turns to love". Alfred Lord Tennyson, I've got to tell you that you were really full of shit. That's NOT how it works. After high school, I had started my budding janitorial career working at a hospital. Yes, a hospital. The kind of hospital practically overflowing with hot-looking nurses. My thoughts, if you want to call them that, weren't exactly focused on love, and while I was pushing a broom or swinging a mop watching those nurses walk by, I suddenly knew what my life's calling would be. Let's do a quick calculation here. Walt + Nursing License = Walt + HOT nurses = Happy Walt!!! Yes, I had a new goal in life. "So, young man. What made you decide to apply to our nursing program?" "I've always loved helping people and I think it's a place where I can really do some nurses, I mean good, I could really do some good! A little Freudian slip, heh heh." Maybe they were truly desperate that year because they accepted me. For weeks, I had Wile E. Coyote's voice in my head, saying "Walt Appel, Super Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenius!!!!!", over and over again. I had come up with the Idea of the Century!!! It's truly amazing the depths that men will stoop to in pursuit of THE ALMIGHTY HOT BABE(tm). Blood and guts? No problem. Bed pans? No problem. Death and disease? no problem. Giving enemas to cranky old people? No problem. I even did a rotations in Labor and Delivery AND in Pediatrics, either of which in itself is practically a fate worse than death for any guy! I was on a mission. I wanted those hot nurses, and I wanted 'em BAD!!! Despite nursing's respectability, it really is a dirty job at times. It didn't take me long to figure out that swimming around in other people's bodily fluids just wasn't my thing. Hell, I had seen some bodily fluids that I had not known even existed! My new mission became to get a nursing job that was largely paperwork. Enter the fabulous Mental Health and Mental Retardation field. If you have read my previous postings, without a doubt you see the irony in me working with lunatics and retards. It's kind of like putting an alcoholic drug addict in charge of the rehab clinic! I'm going to fast-forward here, but don't worry. I'll be posting some great stories of the things that happened along the way. So anyhow, my increasingly downward spiral has led me to work in a state mental hospital. If you have ever seen that old movie, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", then you have some idea of what these places are like. Not quite as bad as the movie, but there was indeed a striking resemblance. The state mental hospital is not even close to being like some sort of weekend getaway health spa for terminally neurotic rich people or those with good insurance. It is quite the opposite. For most of the patients, it is the end of the line. The unit where I worked housed the hard-core severely mentally ill who had no place else to go. It was quite a motley crew. One of the patients was a twenty-something young man that had long ago completely lost touch with reality. Unfortunately, he had not lost touch with his severe bed-wetting habit. I worked the evening shift (3:00pm - 11:30pm). The patients would typically go to bed around 8:00 or 9:00pm and the bedrooms had four patients each. I kind of felt sorry for this guy's roommates because the staff would need to make him get up and go to the bathroom every hour or two to make sure he didn't piss in the bed. Kind of tough to sleep in a situation like that but it really had to be done because, as I found out, when this guy pissed in the bed, it was always one for the record books! My "normal" job as a nurse was to hand out medications and do paper work, but if we were really short-handed, I would help out the direct care guys. It was on one of these nights that I found out just how much of a piss fountain this guy really was. I went to check him and found he was soaked. We're not talking wet, we are talking really fucking soaked. Picture this. You know when either your house has flooded or you've spilled a very large quantity of water on the carpet, it seems to saturate to the point where if you step in it, you feel like your feet are sinking into a boggy swamp. Your foot disappears beneath the surface and is swallowed by the water displaced by it. We are talking waaaaaaay beyond mere saturation, here. We are talking an amount of piss that is so large that it has its own ocean-like currents and shipping routes!!! To add to the ambience, one of the guy's roommates, a 60+ year old man who always wore a suit, for some reason, was "playing" his violin. The violin is a beautiful instrument when played well, but when not played so well, it makes fingernails dragging across a chalkboard sound like music of the angels. Guess which category he fit in? So I wake Mr. Piss Bomb up and tell him to strip his bed and take a shower. Maybe it was because I wasn't one of the usual piss police that he got upset, I don't know. But he did get upset. In fact, he downright freaked. So here's where we came in. Mr. P got a totally crazed look on his face. Charlie Manson had nothin' on this guy. He was seriously agitated, for a guy soaked in his own piss. He was wearing boxer shorts and a t-shirt which were both totally saturated. Piss boy sprang up and started jumping up and down on his bed, with a crazed look that would make Mike Tyson think twice before fucking with him. The jumping up and down turned into trampoline-like action that was spraying piss all over the place like it was piss monsoon season. Add to that, the old guy playing his fucked up violin and I started to think that maybe, just maybe, it was time to switch careers. On the other hand, though, no, fuck it--no nurse is that fucking hot!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydivermom 0 #2 December 9, 2005 Holy cow Walt!!!! So what is it that you do now?Mrs. WaltAppel All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #3 December 9, 2005 QuoteHoly cow Walt!!!! So what is it that you do now? That little incident was nothing!!! The whole post was basically a setup for me putting up some short posts about other freaky things I experienced. It wasn't long after I graduated from nursing school that I started taking course in preparation or engineering school. I have a BS in Electrical Engineering and am a technical writer in the Information Technology department of a large bank holding company. I also have a small import business on the side. I'll be posting some more stories soon. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydivermom 0 #4 December 9, 2005 MAN, I can't wait! So what was your worst experience as a nurse?Mrs. WaltAppel All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindsey 0 #5 December 9, 2005 I've done lots of that work too. The Arkansas State Hospital is pretty intense. Your story isn't all that uncommon. I'm sure you could tell many more over a beer or two. I could. What I always did was 1) make sure that my exit was never blocked....never them between me and the door. and 2) have empathy and compassion. It would suck a lot more to be the guy soaked in piss than to be the nurse taking care of him.... Peace~ linz-- A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #6 December 9, 2005 QuoteMAN, I can't wait! So what was your worst experience as a nurse? Trust me, you don't want to know, but I'll probably post it anyway one of these days. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydivermom 0 #7 December 9, 2005 Linz, I know you are in the medical field but what is it that you do? You have so much knowledge about a lot of areas. What made you want to work in the medical field?Mrs. WaltAppel All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydivermom 0 #8 December 9, 2005 Maybe you can tell me in person someday (IF the weather ever cooperates and I actually GRADUATE!). My aunt is an RN and there is never a dull moment when I see her...and she works in surgery!Mrs. WaltAppel All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bob.dino 1 #9 December 9, 2005 QuoteI also have a small import business on the side. I'll have an 8-ball please. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #10 December 9, 2005 QuoteQuoteI also have a small import business on the side. I'll have an 8-ball please. Not that type of import business!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kbordson 8 #11 December 9, 2005 QuoteQuoteQuoteI also have a small import business on the side. I'll have an 8-ball please. Not that type of import business!!! Walt How about a Skorpion vz 61? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #12 December 9, 2005 QuoteQuoteQuoteQuoteI also have a small import business on the side. I'll have an 8-ball please. Not that type of import business!!! Walt How about a Skorpion vz 61? Gee, we've got a tough audience tonight! Sorry to disappoint, but I import crystal and porcelain. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kbordson 8 #13 December 9, 2005 QuoteQuoteQuoteQuoteQuoteI also have a small import business on the side. I'll have an 8-ball please. Not that type of import business!!! Walt How about a Skorpion vz 61? Gee, we've got a tough audience tonight! Sorry to disappoint, but I import crystal and porcelain. Walt But, but, but..... what do you use crystal for? besides.... oooohhhh, sparkly... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #14 December 9, 2005 QuoteSorry to disappoint, but I import crystal Man, here in Fresno, crystal's all the rage! It tops crack and heroin. If you're gonna be in that business, at least you chose a growing market. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindsey 0 #15 December 9, 2005 Man, here in Fresno, crystal's all the rage! It tops crack and heroin. If you're gonna be in that business, at least you chose a growing market. And you don't have to deal with all the weirdos like you do in nursing Peace~ linz-- A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jceman 1 #16 December 9, 2005 QuoteLinz, I know you are in the medical field but what is it that you do? You have so much knowledge about a lot of areas. What made you want to work in the medical field? I can't answer the second part of your question, but our Linz is in her first year of residency. That is Dr. Linz to you! Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money. Why do they call it "Tourist Season" if we can't shoot them? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #17 December 9, 2005 QuoteMan, here in Fresno, crystal's all the rage! It tops crack and heroin. If you're gonna be in that business, at least you chose a growing market. And you don't have to deal with all the weirdos like you do in nursing Peace~ linz ROTFLMAO!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #18 December 9, 2005 QuoteQuoteLinz, I know you are in the medical field but what is it that you do? You have so much knowledge about a lot of areas. What made you want to work in the medical field? I can't answer the second part of your question, but our Linz is in her first year of residency. That is Dr. Linz to you! 2nd part of the question: mental disease or defect maybe? Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindsey 0 #19 December 9, 2005 QuoteQuoteLinz, I know you are in the medical field but what is it that you do? You have so much knowledge about a lot of areas. What made you want to work in the medical field? I can't answer the second part of your question, but our Linz is in her first year of residency. That is Dr. Linz to you! Yeah....but that was after all those years of being a social worker...which was after those years of being a patient care tech.... This current gig is a lot more challenging, but nowhere near as down and dirty....at least not all the time. 2nd part of the question: mental disease or defect maybe? very possible -- A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindercles 0 #20 December 9, 2005 i used to deliver flowers for a living (which is a "bad career choice" story all on it's own), and we used to have lots of deliveries at that same state hospital. i know it's a big place with lots of different buildings, but the idea that i may have even been in the same building as you and mr. piss bomb, or any of the numerous other freaky things that have happened to you, cracks me the fuck up. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #21 December 9, 2005 QuoteMan, here in Fresno, crystal's all the rage! It tops crack and heroin. If you're gonna be in that business, at least you chose a growing market. And you don't have to deal with all the weirdos like you do in nursing Peace~ linz Linz, I worked in medicine, and dealt with weirdos for whom there was a medical explanation for it. Now I'm an attorney, and I'll tell you that I've seen shit that you can't make up. Doctors, cops, nurses and lawyers see more weird, sick and fucked up shit than anyone else, including sewer workers. Your world is saving lives. My world is saving asses. And I'll tell you, people do more to save their asses than their lives. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #22 December 9, 2005 QuoteQuoteMan, here in Fresno, crystal's all the rage! It tops crack and heroin. If you're gonna be in that business, at least you chose a growing market. And you don't have to deal with all the weirdos like you do in nursing Peace~ linz Linz, I worked in medicine, and dealt with weirdos for whom there was a medical explanation for it. Now I'm an attorney, and I'll tell you that I've seen shit that you can't make up. Doctors, cops, nurses and lawyers see more weird, sick and fucked up shit than anyone else, including sewer workers. Your world is saving lives. My world is saving asses. And I'll tell you, people do more to save their asses than their lives. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, oh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease post stories!!!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #23 December 9, 2005 Quotei used to deliver flowers for a living (which is a "bad career choice" story all on it's own), and we used to have lots of deliveries at that same state hospital. i know it's a big place with lots of different buildings, but the idea that i may have even been in the same building as you and mr. piss bomb, or any of the numerous other freaky things that have happened to you, cracks me the fuck up. It was Harris K unit. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #24 December 9, 2005 Quotei used to deliver flowers for a living (which is a "bad career choice" story all on it's own), and we used to have lots of deliveries at that same state hospital. i know it's a big place with lots of different buildings, but the idea that i may have even been in the same building as you and mr. piss bomb, or any of the numerous other freaky things that have happened to you, cracks me the fuck up. It should crack you the fuck up! We would even have employees go nuts occasionally. One of the guys who worked on my ward was very openly having a fling with a woman who worked on one of the women's wards. Bad enough it itself, but the guys wife also worked at the facility in a different building. It still bothers me that I missed it, but on my day off his wife came to the unit to kick some serious ass. As I heard it, they were fist-fighting up and down the street behind the unit! They both were fired, of course. Before that incident, the guy had showed me scars where his wife had stabbed him and told me stories about her shooting at him. The guy was quite the adrenaline junkie! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 35 #25 December 9, 2005 QuoteQuoteMAN, I can't wait! So what was your worst experience as a nurse? Trust me, you don't want to know, but I'll probably post it anyway one of these days. Walt You've got what amounts to a pretty interesting book deal one day with all those stories... Great stuff! There's no way I could make this up, it has to be real... Jeez, I can't believe you've been through all that... wheeeeooh... "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
