jumpergirl 0 #1 December 16, 2005 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #2 December 16, 2005 ROTFLMAO!!! I just about choked when I read that first one! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
McDuck 0 #3 December 16, 2005 For some reason, numbers 3 and 6 caught me by surprise. But since my co-workers all think I'm bonkers anyway, sudden, boisterous laughter won't seem all that unusual. Edited to add: Also, I think Cochese is a bad influence on me. I thought this thread title was Thongs to live by. Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28 "I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
selbbub78 0 #4 December 16, 2005 those are great! love em CReW Skies,"Women fake orgasms - men fake whole relationships" – Sharon Stone "The world is my dropzone" (wise crewdog quote) "The light dims, until full darkness pierces into the world."-KDM Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yardhippie 0 #5 December 16, 2005 You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Duct tape is the shizzle! Ive seen it on the romingDZ.com!!! and it stayed for an 8 hour trip! Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD "What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me "Anything you want." ~ female skydiver Mohoso Rodriguez #865 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
