Funny, non-clown stuff

[RevJim 0]

Maybe a re-post, maybe not, but it was in my email, and was pretty comical. I can think of a few here that'll get a kick out of it...

Quote

English in the European Community



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.




The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[RevJim 0]

A Man was in a supermarket when he looked across the aisle and saw a stunning blond. She gave him a big smile and waved to him. He couldn't remember knowing her and each time he saw her down or across an aisle, she looked even more stunning.

Finally he couldn't stand it any longer and when they met in a secluded corner, he asked her if he was supposed to know her. She smiled and replied, "You're the father of one of my kids."

He was taken aback and began thinking and the only discretion he was guilty of came to mind. He said, "Hey, are you the stripper I laid on the pool table while all my buddies watched at a baatchlor party, while your assistant whipped my ass with a stalk of celery, and then stuck a carrot up my ass"?


She replied," No. I am your son's math teacher."

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[NlghtJumper 0]

***THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of
laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no
hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better! For those of you who
have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the
Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of
the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is
starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined
to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be
kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?

A man will do anything for the right woman,
and when that woman destroys him,
that man will become a hunk of meat with the common sense of a rodeo clown! ~ Christopher Titus

[bob.dino 1]

I had to check the dates on this thread; I haven't heard any of those jokes in at least five years .

[RevJim 0]

Good time to bring 'em back up, with a fesh infusion of new ones, if ya have any...

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[AlexCrowley 0]

TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking.

[RevJim 0]

Quote

Yea, well, I see your and raise you a

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[AlexCrowley 0]

hmmm fine, if thats how you want to play it.

TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking.

[RevJim 0]

(trump emoticon)

It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

[AlexCrowley 0]

I yield

bringing out the beer so early was a cheap and dirty tactic I should have used.

Hmm now...if we could just have a STEEL chair icon, I'd be a viking!

TV's got them images, TV's got them all, nothing's shocking.