waltappel 1 #1 January 10, 2006 What started out as posting a couple of funny stories seems to have turned into a series. In case you missed the earlier postings, here are some links: "Maybe the greenies don't like it when you act like a fool...": A true story about just how stupid I can get when I'm really frustrated. "More Stupid HumanTricks": A story of me getting stupid with some hot sauce. "My Visit to a Bordello": Just like the title says... "One more reason to hate the doctor's office": Nipple infections are not fun but can be funny. "I am a bad man when I get bored": My encounter with a perv in a laundromat "I am not a smart man when I'm drunk": A BASE site scouting trip gone bad. "thoughtful career choices": Who says mental hospitals are not fun? (ME, that's who!!!) "Glory, Glory, Halleleujia": Don't read this one if you are a homophobe. "practical joke for the practical nurse": A practical joke I played when I was a nurse. "The Romantic Kiss is Not Dead (long)": "God's gift to women "The Ultimate Accusation": Like the title says... "Building Stress Levels": How to give a BASE jumper a heart attack Here are a few episodes I had with a girlfriend who was a bit uh, shall we say psycho?, at times. I was very hesitant to write this because even after all these years I still don’t view her as a mere memory or something to be held up as an object of ridicule. She was (and hopefully still is) a living, breathing human being that I was love with. That being said, though, it is still a story worth telling. A relationship with me is not boring That’s what she said. At least she was up-front about it. Only one thing, though, she never said exactly what she meant by that. Would we be climbing mountains and exploring new worlds? No, not exactly. When you are in love, I mean lust, I mean…oh, whatever the hell it was, things like that hardly matter. Now, though, they do matter. Next time I hear that phrase as a new relationship begins, I know what to do. First, I will stab myself in the scrotum with a dull, rusty pair of garden shears, twisting them slowly as I pull them out. Then I will beat my head with a brick. After that, I will probably pound on all of my fingers and toes flat, using a large hammer. Then, I will go into Speakers Corner for a while. Yes, I will be ready for some pain in my life! The Dawn of a New Day This wasn’t a one-time thing. It was an every day thing and, in retrospect, should have been some sort of warning. She had found a 24-hr. “hellfire and brimstone” radio station and set her clock radio to wake her up each morning to some fairly lively preaching. “Yes, you can be very sure, because THAT is what The Bible says. You are vermin. You are scum. You are nothing but a filthy sinner who deserves to burn in HELL for eternity!!! Jesus died for your sins. That’s right—YOUR sins. It’s YOUR fault that he’s dead!!! That means that YOU, yes YOU, killed him!!! Murderer!!!! Do you feel good about that?!!! Well, do you?!!….” Or something kind of like that. The guy was scary!!! Some mornings I felt like he was going to reach through the speaker on that clock radio and start choking and shaking me, just to get his point across! I could never sleep very well at her place because of that. Some people fear evil clowns. I fear hellfire and brimstone preachers! I asked her why she liked waking up to that every day and she said that it really got her day off to a great start. Yikes!!! A Little Nibble on my Nipple I already wrote one post about this. Yes it was her that did it to me. Waaaaaah, Waaaaaaaah, Waaaaaaaaaah. Nothing says “I Love You” Like a Beer Bottle Through your Windshield “Get the fuck out of my house you bastard!!!!” Yes, the woman in my life was seething with the kind of rage that could rival the destructive power of most thermonuclear weapons. Naturally, her being my one true love and all, I did what any decent, caring guy would do in a situation like that—I ran like hell!!!! It is true. Hell hath no fury like a woman with PMS, and I wasn’t going to stick around and suffer the consequences of whatever infraction I had committed. Oh hell no!!! With the graceful speed of an antelope on amphetamines, I jumped for the door hoping and praying that I could make it out the door before being struck in the head by whatever heavy or sharp object she could manage to throw at me. Out the door and a mere 50 feet to my car. You know those movies where a fighter plane is strafing the ground with heavy machine gun fire that is just barely missing the heels of some guy who is running like hell and then dives into a bunker just in time? Same idea, slightly different setting. I believe I should have earned an Olympic medal the way I dived into my car and started it with one very desperate, but fluid motion. Stomping the gas pedal to the floor and throwing the car into reverse, I went peeling out around the corner. Taking a quick look in front of the car, I saw one of those things that make you wish that life were on video. She was running full speed toward my car with an empty beer bottle in her hand and an angry look that would make a great white shark quiver in fear! Yes, love can be interesting. I managed to get away without the beer bottle going through the windshield or getting shoved up my ass or anything like that, but it was very close. That wasn’t the end of the evening, but I’ll leave the rest for another time. Please leave a message after the tone… “Hi, this is Walt. Leave a message and I’ll call you back.” “…I will be dead before you get home. Fucking bastard! When you hear this you’d better just call the Coroner and get the goddamn casket ready…” Well, at least it wasn’t Sprint or MCI. It was PMS!!! Well, PMS with just a tiny hint of self-destructive psychopath maybe. Looking back on it from years later, it was one of those times that made me wish I could have been there and known what to say to her. Maybe something like, “Sorry, I think you have the wrong number…” How do you handle a situation like that? She had threatened suicide many times, often in an attempt to manipulate me into coming over and having sex with her. (Ladies, I'm really not that difficult. I promise. A simple "How ya' doin'?" really goes a long way with me.) I never told anyone about it because I was quite sure nobody would believe me. This time, though, I had it on tape. It was at the same time horrifying and a bit of a relief. In the end, I couldn't simply ignore it. Something about the tone in her voice was different this time. I called the police and told them about the message. They sent an officer to her home. "Ma'am, we got a call from a man who says you left a message on his answering machine threatening to kill yourself. Is that true" "Yes, but...." All the officer had to hear was the "Yes" part. He placed her under mental health arrest and took her to the local psycho ward. You might think the story ends here, but if you have read any of my previous stories, you have got to realize that I was absolutely born to do something retarded in a situation like this. Yes, I went down to the psycho ward and got her out. Think about that for a moment. Visualize a man who had been living his life in a way that could inspire a sequel to the movie “Fatal Attraction”. The woman was now locked up and I got her released. All together now. "Walt, what the fuck were you thinking?!!!!!" I am absolutely certain that I have never been a contender for genius of the year, but even by my low standards, this was the kind of thing that should have easily earned me induction into the Dumbass Hall of Fame!!! I somehow wanted to believe that she had learned her lesson and would never, ever do her psycho act again. The drama didn't stop there but eventually she did find someone else. The verbal abuse and threats and tears turned into cheap shots and, eventually, into "I miss you". In time, we completely faded from each other’s lives. [long sigh….] She had been right. My relationship with her wasn’t boring. It took me many years to get over that relationship--I was damaged by it. Every relationship I have had since then has failed, and I think somewhere in my mind, with each one I was trying to go back in time and re-live that relationship and somehow have it turn out differently. That’s not how life works, though. You only get one chance. After all these years, I think I’m ready to start fresh and try again. Now where did I put that dull, rusty pair of garden shears…? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
susanjumps 0 #2 January 10, 2006 You know, Walt, I read your stories and I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or laugh until I cry!Erleichda! "I just wasn't myself today," Gupta commented. "I wasn't any self today. I was an egoless particle of the universal no-soul." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #3 January 10, 2006 QuoteYou know, Walt, I read your stories and I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or laugh until I cry! Yeah, it's kinda like that when I'm writing 'em too. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bbarnhouse 0 #4 January 10, 2006 QuoteA simple "How ya' doin'?" really goes a long way with me How YA' doin'? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #5 January 10, 2006 QuoteQuoteA simple "How ya' doin'?" really goes a long way with me How YA' doin'? Your gorgeousness, I'm doin' just fine, but I'll be doing even better with the pleasure of your company. See how easy that was? Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bbarnhouse 0 #6 January 10, 2006 QuoteYour gorgeousness, I'm doin' just fine, but I'll be doing even better with the pleasure of your company The Pixie swoons.... QuoteSee how easy that was? Well it has been my experience that if it seems too good to be true...it probably is Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
4WayXena 0 #7 January 10, 2006 OMG Walt... Who knew you were such an interesting guy? LOL! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #8 January 10, 2006 QuoteOMG Walt... Who knew you were such an interesting guy? LOL! You, of all people, KNOW I am not all that interesting--at least not in person!!! BTW, you still never told me where to send that squirrel video--PM me!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Broke 0 #9 January 10, 2006 Is this an attempt to repair any damage to your good image with the ladies here at DZ.com/. It would seem that most of your other posts are about how you have probibly frightened away most of the women around here. You know on my music collection at work "Tainted love" just popped on. This is a cover of the orriginal done by Pennywise I think it is pretty cool.Divot your source for all things Hillbilly. Anvil Brother 84 SCR 14192 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #10 January 10, 2006 QuoteIs this an attempt to repair any damage to your good image with the ladies here at DZ.com/. It would seem that most of your other posts are about how you have probibly frightened away most of the women around here. You know on my music collection at work "Tainted love" just popped on. This is a cover of the orriginal done by Pennywise I think it is pretty cool. I may be a dumbass, but... Correction. I AM a dumbass, but no way do I think I have any chance of repairing the damage done by posting my previous stories! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #11 January 10, 2006 QuoteQuoteYour gorgeousness, I'm doin' just fine, but I'll be doing even better with the pleasure of your company The Pixie swoons.... QuoteSee how easy that was? Well it has been my experience that if it seems too good to be true...it probably is Well, one things for sure. I really couldn't be much WORSE than anyone who has read my stories must think! Tell ya' what. Let me know if you're ever in Houston. The first round is on me. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bbarnhouse 0 #12 January 11, 2006 QuoteI really couldn't be much WORSE than anyone who has read my stories must think! True that. LOL QuoteLet me know if you're ever in Houston. The first round is on me LOL well I don't see that in my near future...but hey next time you jump ...buy the pilot a drink at the end of the day...and tip your packer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #13 January 11, 2006 Works for me. Except for the packer part. I'm pretty insistent on packing my own stuff. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bbarnhouse 0 #14 January 11, 2006 QuoteExcept for the packer part LOL right then...then tip the bar tender. One would be surprised how many people don't. Okay lets hear the bar stories!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #15 January 11, 2006 QuoteQuoteExcept for the packer part LOL right then...then tip the bar tender. One would be surprised how many people don't. Okay lets hear the bar stories!! I can't think of any good bar stories. I just don't seem to be able to remember....(heh heh) My guess is that airtwardo has some of the best bar stories going if we can get him to tell 'em. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 35 #16 January 11, 2006 Walt, your experiences with that woman reminded me so clearly about the book "Siren's Dance - My Marriage To A Borderline" written by Anthony Walker, M.D. Anthony met and married this beautiful, sexy and carefree but sometimes demonic woman, and this book is about the hell he experienced with her. Everything you can think of that you had with your girl, he experienced double or triple. It's a must-read. I know a little bit about living with a borderline as my wife is one too, but thankfully she's nowhere near that bad."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #17 January 11, 2006 QuoteWalt, your experiences with that woman reminded me so clearly about the book "Siren's Dance - My Marriage To A Borderline" written by Anthony Walker, M.D. Anthony met and married this beautiful, sexy and carefree but sometimes demonic woman, and this book is about the hell he experienced with her. Everything you can think of that you had with your girl, he experienced double or triple. It's a must-read. I know a little bit about living with a borderline as my wife is one too, but thankfully she's nowhere near that bad. My ex was a borderline. If you live with a borderline and maintain your sanity and sense of humor, then you are one really badass dude. And that comment I made a while back about wanting to see you guys when you have an argument? Uh, cancel that, Billy. I'll read the book if I can work up the nerve sometime. Thanks. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveStMarys 0 #18 January 11, 2006 You already know how I feel about this one......... Thanks for taking the time to figure it all out and put the pen to paper, so to speak. NOW, lets talk movie.....who do you want to play all of these parts?? More importantly...who do you want to play your role? Tom Cruise?? JUST TEASING!!! BobbiA miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Broke 0 #19 January 11, 2006 how about Brad PittDivot your source for all things Hillbilly. Anvil Brother 84 SCR 14192 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #20 January 11, 2006 QuoteYou already know how I feel about this one......... Thanks for taking the time to figure it all out and put the pen to paper, so to speak. NOW, lets talk movie.....who do you want to play all of these parts?? More importantly...who do you want to play your role? Tom Cruise?? JUST TEASING!!! Bobbi Tom Cruise--now THAT's a good one. Hmmm. I'll have to think on this one. Dumbass, socially retarded.... Peewee Herman maybe? Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
McDuck 0 #21 January 11, 2006 I'm telling you, these stories, as related in your ineffably charming style, are truly entertaining...and inspiring.Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28 "I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 35 #22 January 11, 2006 QuoteQuote And that comment I made a while back about wanting to see you guys when you have an argument? Uh, cancel that, Billy. I'll read the book if I can work up the nerve sometime. Thanks. Walt Wussy! "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites waltappel 1 #23 January 11, 2006 QuoteQuoteQuote And that comment I made a while back about wanting to see you guys when you have an argument? Uh, cancel that, Billy. I'll read the book if I can work up the nerve sometime. Thanks. Walt Wussy! Damn right!!!! I'll leave that "real man" stuff to you and airtwardo. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites SkymonkeyONE 4 #24 January 11, 2006 That was an entertaining read. I have been there before, but you would have to substitude "jail" for "mental ward". Oh wait, no you wouldn't. I have done "mental ward" recovery also. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites BillyVance 35 #25 January 11, 2006 QuoteThat was an entertaining read. I have been there before, but you would have to substitude "jail" for "mental ward". Oh wait, no you wouldn't. I have done "mental ward" recovery also. Would you believe I spent one night in jail for smashing a lamp in frustration because my wife wouldn't let me sleep when we were having a pointless stupid half-assed argument? She called the cops. Well, I had barricaded myself in the bedroom right after she walked out following the lamp-smashing, and that didn't amuse the cops who showed up. Another stupid argument led to her trying to kill herself on pills and booze and I got back home just in time to call 911 and save her sorry ass. Sorry if I'm being a hard-ass, but overall, she's not too bad. I wish things were a bit smoother though."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Prev 1 2 Next Page 1 of 2 Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible. Reply to this topic... × Pasted as rich text. Paste as plain text instead Only 75 emoji are allowed. × Your link has been automatically embedded. Display as a link instead × Your previous content has been restored. Clear editor × You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL. Insert image from URL × Desktop Tablet Phone Submit Reply 0 Go To Topic Listing
waltappel 1 #23 January 11, 2006 QuoteQuoteQuote And that comment I made a while back about wanting to see you guys when you have an argument? Uh, cancel that, Billy. I'll read the book if I can work up the nerve sometime. Thanks. Walt Wussy! Damn right!!!! I'll leave that "real man" stuff to you and airtwardo. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites SkymonkeyONE 4 #24 January 11, 2006 That was an entertaining read. I have been there before, but you would have to substitude "jail" for "mental ward". Oh wait, no you wouldn't. I have done "mental ward" recovery also. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites BillyVance 35 #25 January 11, 2006 QuoteThat was an entertaining read. I have been there before, but you would have to substitude "jail" for "mental ward". Oh wait, no you wouldn't. I have done "mental ward" recovery also. Would you believe I spent one night in jail for smashing a lamp in frustration because my wife wouldn't let me sleep when we were having a pointless stupid half-assed argument? She called the cops. Well, I had barricaded myself in the bedroom right after she walked out following the lamp-smashing, and that didn't amuse the cops who showed up. Another stupid argument led to her trying to kill herself on pills and booze and I got back home just in time to call 911 and save her sorry ass. Sorry if I'm being a hard-ass, but overall, she's not too bad. I wish things were a bit smoother though."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Prev 1 2 Next Page 1 of 2 Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible. Reply to this topic... × Pasted as rich text. Paste as plain text instead Only 75 emoji are allowed. × Your link has been automatically embedded. Display as a link instead × Your previous content has been restored. Clear editor × You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL. Insert image from URL × Desktop Tablet Phone Submit Reply 0
SkymonkeyONE 4 #24 January 11, 2006 That was an entertaining read. I have been there before, but you would have to substitude "jail" for "mental ward". Oh wait, no you wouldn't. I have done "mental ward" recovery also. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 35 #25 January 11, 2006 QuoteThat was an entertaining read. I have been there before, but you would have to substitude "jail" for "mental ward". Oh wait, no you wouldn't. I have done "mental ward" recovery also. Would you believe I spent one night in jail for smashing a lamp in frustration because my wife wouldn't let me sleep when we were having a pointless stupid half-assed argument? She called the cops. Well, I had barricaded myself in the bedroom right after she walked out following the lamp-smashing, and that didn't amuse the cops who showed up. Another stupid argument led to her trying to kill herself on pills and booze and I got back home just in time to call 911 and save her sorry ass. Sorry if I'm being a hard-ass, but overall, she's not too bad. I wish things were a bit smoother though."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
