Thursday funnies

[livendive 8]

Not having the best of mornings, and could use a good laugh or two to improve my mood. Let's see what you got, here's mine:

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he's in his room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait; I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole nightlong. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[ifall 0]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?" The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley." The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

[SLIDER 0]

Working On Welfare

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really
rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around
in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the
long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her
overseas
holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be
provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000
a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."


___________________________________________________

"there's a fine line between hobby and mental illness"

[BillyVance 35]

This would have fit right in that other thread about favorite social blunders! At least it was on the phone!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[ifall 0]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."