Cohabitation

[Conundrum 1]

*This is for people who have the desire to get married some day or who are already married*

Do you think it's a good idea to live together before marriage? Do you think it's something that you should wait for? Is it a 'trial marriage'?

Statistically people who live together before marriage have a better chance of divorce than people who move in together after marriage; then again religious people won't live together before marriage and don't beilve in divorce so it's possible the numbers could be slightly skewed.

What do you think about it?

[antifnsocial 0]

I am going to do whatever seems natural at the time.

Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean.

[swedishcelt 0]

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I am going to do whatever seems natural at the time.

Exactly.

[eeneR 3]

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I am going to do whatever seems natural at the time.

I agree...but will add my .02 I married my now ex husband and we lived together for only 2 weeks before hand. We were engaged, bought a house, then got married...

I will not remarry unless I live with them for awhile, had I lived with the EX we prolly wouldnt have been married

She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Superhighway."
eeneR
TF#72, FB#4130, Incauto

[monkycndo 0]

Never been married, but have lived together for 3 years with girlfriend of 5 years. Not together any more. I would recommend living together because until the two of you are living together, you really don't know about those annoying habits that your SO might have. You know, like leaving the toilet seat up or leaving the wet nylons hanging from the shower rail.

Monkeyboy

50 donations so far. Give it a try.

You know you want to spank it
Jump an Infinity

[SkymonkeyONE 4]

My general rules (which I have only rarely broken):

Don't move in with a person you have not dated successfully (not broken up or not fought with constantly) for at least six months.

Don't marry a person you have not successfully (same criteria) lived with for at least six months.

[AndyMan 7]

Craichead and I lived togeather for about 10 months before we got married, and 6 months before we got engaged. We're quite happy.

If I were to guess, I'd say that relgious people not beliving in divorce are skewing your numbers.

_Am

__

You put the fun in "funnel" - craichead.

[SkydiveNFlorida 0]

Do you think it's a good idea to live together before marriage?
Yes.

Do you think it's something that you should wait for?
No

Is it a 'trial marriage'?
Yes

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Statistically people who live together before marriage have a better chance of divorce than people who move in together after marriage; then again religious people won't live together before marriage and don't beilve in divorce so it's possible the numbers could be slightly skewed.

Those are the people that will stay together no matter how unhappy/unhealthy it is for all involved.

Oh, and screw "stay together for the kids"... they can tell when you are unhappy and they would be better off in a happy home, regardless of the number of parents!

-A

[jumpergirl 0]

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Do you think it's a good idea to live together before marriage?
Yes.

Do you think it's something that you should wait for?
No

Is it a 'trial marriage'?
Yes

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Statistically people who live together before marriage have a better chance of divorce than people who move in together after marriage; then again religious people won't live together before marriage and don't beilve in divorce so it's possible the numbers could be slightly skewed.

Those are the people that will stay together no matter how unhappy/unhealthy it is for all involved.

Oh, and screw "stay together for the kids"... they can tell when you are unhappy and they would be better off in a happy home, regardless of the number of parents!

-A

Hell yeah!!

My mom has told me, since I was old enough to start thinking about being married one day, that it is better to live with someone and learn about them and decide you can't live with them than to get married and then find out. Unfortunately I am divorced, but fortunately I've lived with someone I thought I would marry and realized I couldn't.

My favorite joke?? "Why is divorce so expensive??" Answer, "Because it's worth it!"

[IanHarrop 43]

You missed the most important choice - The one I wish I had made myself a long time ago.

DON'T LIVE TOGETHER - DON'T GET MARRIED!

"Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me" Dorothy

[DrewGPM 0]

"Living together before marriage: Now common but still risky Even though more than half of couples now do it, compared with only 10 percent 30 years ago, living together before marriage still is linked to higher rates of troubled unions, divorce and separation, Penn State researchers have found.

The Penn State team compared data on 1425 people married between 1964 and 1980 when cohabitation was less common and between 1981 and 1997 when cohabitation was more common. They found that, in both groups, cohabiters reported less happiness and more marital conflict than noncohabiters. Also, in both groups, couples who lived together before marriage were more likely to divorce.

Claire M. Kamp Dush, doctoral candidate in human development and family studies, is first author of the study. She says, "It had been consistently shown in the past that, contrary to the popular belief that living together will improve a person's ability to choose a marriage partner and stay married, the opposite is actually the case."

The study, "The Relationship Between Cohabitation and Marital Quality and Stability: Change Across Cohorts?," was published this month in the Journal of Marriage and the Family. Dush's co-authors are Dr. Catherine Cohan, research scientist, and Dr. Paul Amato, professor of sociology and demography.

Although all the reasons why cohabitation and troubled unions are related remains unknown, the researchers report that their data and a review of the literature suggest that both personal characteristics and the experience of cohabitation play important roles.

The Penn State team notes that research indicates that people choose riskier partners when cohabiting because they think cohabitation will be easier to break up than marriage. However, once a couple is living together, the fact that they share possessions, pets, and children and have invested time in their relationship may propel them to marry.

Research has also shown that living together in an unconventional relationship can make people less religious and may encourage them to develop problematic relationship skills and to spend less time resolving problems or providing support to their partners.

They write, "A weak commitment to lifelong marriage and less attention to communication skills during cohabitation may carry over into marriage and make couples more vulnerable to the inevitable challenges that couples face over time."

The study was supported by grants from the National Institute of Aging and by the Penn State Population Research Institute with core support from a National Institute of Child Health and Human Development grant. "

[Rebecca 0]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for over a year now, dating for two (as of Memorial Day- ). It was what seemed natural - not to mention practical. So far, it's pretty awesome!
We haven't discussed marriage, but we both know neither one of us is going anywhere. I'm in no rush anyway, so that's fine by me.

I can't really imagine marrying someone I've never lived with...

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[Rebecca 0]

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[kcjumpersgirl 0]

I think living together is a very smart idea. Imagine the very first time living with that person being the day you get married. What an adjustment. Marriage is such an adjustment as it is, without having to adjust to someone else's habits, etc.

[DrewGPM 0]

if you didn't care for that one, you're gonna hate this list: http://members.aol.com/cohabiting/facts.htm

[tbrown 26]

I've done it both ways with two different women and it's not the same. Lived with my girlfriend in college for about a year, then married a different woman without living together. We're still together after 24 years and two kids.

We hold to our own views concerning religion, but without going there, I've got to say there is a commitment to marriage that makes it altogether different from just living together, whether or not you're religious. I think a lot of marriages fail for the simple reason that too many people don't understand what marriage is about.

No moral problem with people living together, if that's what you want then go for it. But it isn't necessary, or even a good indicator of how marriage will work.

Your humble servant.....Professor Gravity !

[DrewGPM 0]

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Marriage is such an adjustment as it is, without having to adjust to someone else's habits, etc.

This is not directed at any one person...the comment above is a recurring theme in the "live together" group.

People say you should live together to find out about those little habits, like leaving the toilet up. Marriage is about loving someone for better or worse. If you're afraid she might not rinse her dishes off after eating, and you just couldn't be with someone like that. If those little habits make it impossible for you to live with someone, then you were'nt ready for a room mate, much a spouse.

Moving in together is one of the exciting things about that you get to do after you get married. That's part of the excitement of starting your new life together. You've lost that excitement if you live together first.

I agree with the post above...I don't have a moral problem with living together. Do whatever you want, I'm not judging anyone. My point is that if you have thoughts of marriage, then moving in together seems be setting up that marriage for failure. I hate that so many people are getting divorced...it messes up so many lives. Why set yourself up for failure?

[jumpergirl 0]

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We hold to our own views concerning religion, but without going there, I've got to say there is a commitment to marriage that makes it altogether different from just living together, whether or not you're religious. I think a lot of marriages fail for the simple reason that too many people don't understand what marriage is about.

I totally agree with this. I've failed at marriage. I didn't understand it. I didn't realize what it required. I'm looking forward to trying it again. I understand more now.

[Feeblemind 1]

Sorry to be simple minded, but I would never buy a car without a test ride, parachute without a demo, etc etc

Fire Safety Tip: Don't fry bacon while naked

[jumpergirl 0]

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Sorry to be simple minded, but I would never buy a car without a test ride, parachute without a demo, etc etc

People say sex isn't everything, and it truly isn't. But... it is a part of being in a relationship with someone... married or not. If it's not good, or not there period, then there could be a problem. Some people don't agree with that, but personally I do. So, I agree with your "simpleness."

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[DrewGPM 0]

If you wouldn't mind sharing, i'd be interested in hearing:

What you thought marriage was before you got married?


When do realize that was wrong?


What do think marriage is all about now?

[Icon134 0]

OK, I'm gonna step in and say something... cause... I'm kind of old fashioned and kind of doubt I will cohabitate before I marry. Assuming I find a lady that feels the same way.

and I really appreciate the information that you have presented Drew.

Livin' on the Edge... sleeping with my rigger's wife...

[DrewGPM 0]

interesting that you equate the test drive with sex. In the context of the rest of this discussion, I assume FeebleMind was equating the test drive with living together.

[jumpergirl 0]

Before I got married I didn't think about it. I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I think I thought it was like having a roommate that you had sex with. I can't tell you what I was exactly thinking then. Looking back now I see myself as altered. I must have been on drugs - but I really wasn't!

Now I have realized that a marriage is so much more. It's a partnership. A team. A friendship. It takes understanding, compromise, patience. It's more than just love. It's wanting to make it work. Wanting to be together. Wanting to want it.

I don't know how else to explain my thoughts. Basically... I was 19 then and I'm 27 now. A lot happens in 8 years.

[jumpergirl 0]

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interesting that you equate the test drive with sex. In the context of the rest of this discussion, I assume FeebleMind was equating the test drive with living together.

I agree with you. However, how many people will live together without having sex? I do know some people could do it - live together without sex. But, the majority would not.