Bad Puns

[boinky 0]

Post your worst puns here. I'll start...

*Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was superb.

*A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

*A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

*Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

*Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

*An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

*Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

*I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

*I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

*Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[ACMESkydiver 0]

Those are GREAT!!!!

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[Stumpy 284]

two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other, "Do you smell fish??"

Never try to eat more than you can lift

[popsjumper 2]

Famous baseball pitcher Mel Famey never lost a game.
World Series, final game, Mel scheduled to pitch.
Opposing team decided to take Mel out and get him drunk.
Next day at the game Mel was so smashed that he walked everybody and lost the game.
The opposing team, in honor of their success, gave the beer a name:
"The Beer that Made Mel Famey Walk Us."

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[popsjumper 2]

After Mel’s last game and his subsequent retirement, he bought a place on the water and went fishing for carp.
He was amazed to see the masses of carp churning the surface of the water and threw his line in.
In the process, he lost his wallet and it fell into the water.
The carp, in their frolicking, were bouncing it around on the surface.
It was Mel’s first experience with:
“Carp-to-Carp Walleting.”

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[Thanatos340 1]

A String walks into a Bar..
String: Hey Barkeep.. How about a Drink..
BarKeep: We dont serve Strings in here.

String goes outside, Rolls around on the ground, balls himself up and bounces back in.

String: Hey Barkeep.. How about a Drink.
Barkeep: Arent you that string that was just in here?
String: NO!! Im afraid not.
______________________________

Fork You.
I know it wasnt Knife
But someone had to do it Spooner or Later
And I wouldnt hesi-plate to do it again.
Now lets Table this matter.
____________________________________

Mushroom walks into a Bar.
Buys everyone a Drink.
Barkeep: "You are a Nice Guy."
Mushroom: "No!! I am a Fun Guy!!"

[GrendelKhan 0]

A man walks into a bar, he says ouch.

Two thirds of a pun is P. U.

Grendel Khan-The Official DZ.Com Newbie Forum Nuisance
"They sicken of the calm, that know the storm."

[swedishcelt 0]

[boinky 0]

I think you just took "bad puns" to a whole new level of bad!

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[boinky 0]

I like the flatware one!

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[Elisha 1]

Quote

Those are GREAT!!!!

No they're not. 99% of all puns suck and these are no exception.

[darnknit 0]

did you hear about the yogi who refused novacaine while having a tooth pulled?

he wanted to transcend dental medication.
hyuck hyuck hyuck

pulling is cool. keep it in the skin

[boinky 0]

Quote

99% of all puns suck and these are no exception.

Yeah? And what's your point? That was why it was titled "Bad Puns." Where's your sense of humor?

For that matter, probably 99% of what is posted here at the Bonfire sucks, but I don't see anyone complaining about THAT!

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[Elisha 1]

Quote

did you hear about the yogi who refused novacaine while having a tooth pulled?

he wanted to transcend dental medication.
hyuck hyuck hyuck

That one actually made me laugh a little. Congrats.

[sickandtwisted 0]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

Skymama stalker #69!!!!

[popsjumper 2]

Quote

I think you just took "bad puns" to a whole new level of bad!

I dive and lie by the pun.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[boinky 0]

"Tame way." I'm going to be giggling over that one for the rest of the day!

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[The111 1]

Quote

I dive and lie by the pun.

That would be a spoonerism.

www.WingsuitPhotos.com

[TFFTM 1]

People who use puns should be strung up and quoted !!!

BSBD
Home of the Alabama Gang

[Thanatos340 1]

Any others here fans of Spider Robinsons Callahans Series??

If you love a Good Groan.. Those books are great.

The Shortest Distance between two Puns is a Straight Line.

My Favorite Pun was that one about
O.B Juan`s Kin Obie.

[Thanatos340 1]

Ok.. One more and then I will stop.. I promise..

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out
and past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied:

(brace yourself)


(this is going to hurt.)


(it's really bad.)


"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[antifnsocial 0]

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my boyfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang him up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.


Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean.

[swedishcelt 0]

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

[shropshire 0]

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[Thanatos340 1]

OK.. I lied.. Here are a couple more...


A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
_______________________

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
___________________________

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
___________________________

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
________________________

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
_____________________________

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flower from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars!!