waltappel 1 #1 January 27, 2006 What started out as posting a couple of funny stories seems to have turned into a series. In case you missed the earlier postings, here are some links: "Maybe the greenies don't like it when you act like a fool...": A true story about just how stupid I can get when I'm really frustrated. "More Stupid HumanTricks": A story of me getting stupid with some hot sauce. "My Visit to a Bordello": Just like the title says... "One more reason to hate the doctor's office": Nipple infections are not fun but can be funny. "I am a bad man when I get bored": My encounter with a perv in a laundromat "I am not a smart man when I'm drunk": A BASE site scouting trip gone bad. "thoughtful career choices": Who says mental hospitals are not fun? (ME, that's who!!!) "Glory, Glory, Halleleujia": Don't read this one if you are a homophobe. "practical joke for the practical nurse": A practical joke I played when I was a nurse. "The Romantic Kiss is Not Dead (long)": "God's gift to women "The Ultimate Accusation": Like the title says... "Building Stress Levels": How to give a BASE jumper a heart attack Lick it, baby! Remember that problem I had with the infected nipple and my humiliating experience getting it treated? Soon after that I read somewhere that you can get that little flap of tissue at the base of your tongue (on the underside) clipped. It’s called the lower frenum, I think, and according to my trusted source (Hustler or some other fine publication, I’m sure) if you get it clipped, you can do gymnastics with your tongue previously unknown to the human species. Yeah, baby!!! Where do I sign up?!!! “Your dentist can do it in the office!”, proclaimed the article. Yes, this was the best idea I have ever heard. Tongue gymnastics. Yes, Walt, you have found the one and only path to true happiness! “Ladies and Gentleman, the Gold Medal for the Tongue Decathlon once again goes to Walt Appel!!!!” [The crowd goes totally wild!!!] I practically broke my fingers dialing my dentist to set up an appointment. “...and what is this appointment for?”, asked the receptionist when I called. Inquiring minds want to know. “Just a routine checkup and cleaning”, I said with great understatement, knowing that this would not be just any dental appointment. This would be the greatest moment of my life! The day came and there I was in the chair. Like every other professional that has anything to do with my body or soul, my dentist was a woman. A lovely, soothing, gentle kind of woman. The kind of woman who thinks perverts are well, kind of perverted. The moment of truth was here. Time to tell her what the doctor and nurse who treated my infected nipple already knew--that yes, I am a drooling pervert. Moments like that kind of hurt my self-esteem. For tongue greatness, though, it seemed like a very small price to pay! You may not believe this, but I blush easily. We’re talking [I]really[/I] easily If you have read any of the stories I have posted previously, you wouldn’t think so, but it’s a fact. I’m sure I turned an almost fluorescent shade of red as I was bracing myself to ask about this wonderful procedure. “There’s something I want to ask you about.” “Yes….?” “I have read of a wonderful procedure that you can perform right here, in this very office--a procedure in which you clip that little flap of skin at the base of my tongue. That nasty little flap that holds my tongue waaaaaaaaay too close to the back of my mouth.” “Why would you want that done?” [Walt’s_thoughts] Oh, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease don’t make me spell it out for you. Pleeeeeeeeeeease!!! In case you’ve talked with Grandma and Grandpa about my infected nipple, it’s true. Everything they said is true. I am a lowly disgusting, drooling pervert that has nothing better to do with his life than to try and qualify for the Tongue Olympics! I am a bad man, but please, you are a gentle soul. Please make it easier for me! [/Walt’s_thoughts] “Why I would like to expand my horizons on oral sex, of course.” [Yes, I actually did say that and it was the best I could come up with at the moment. I have never been, nor will I ever be, a smooth talker!] Somehow, I was naively expecting her to say something like, “Ok, no big deal. Let’s go ahead and do it! If only life were that simple and convenient. “Well, I don’t know where you read that.” [Oh, you mean YOU don’t read Hustler?!!!] “…but that is a very vascular area and there is a real risk of bleeding. That procedure is usually performed by an oral surgeon and there is an overnight stay in the hospital. Since you are getting some maxillofacial surgery soon anyway, why don’t you ask you surgeon about that?” She had re-defined my mission in life. I didn’t care how deeply I had to embarrass myself. I was gonna do this!!! “Yes, I think I will have a talk with the surgeon.” My maxillofacial surgeon seemed quite upbeat about it. He liked his work. That always scared me, because he had a brutal job. He was going to detach my upper jaw from my skull, move it down and forward a few millimeters, and put it into place with plates and screws. Doesn’t sound that bad until you think about the upper jaw being part of the skull. Anyway, I asked him about giving me the opportunity for tongue greatness! “You bet we can do that! We use a laser and it’s quite easy. We just keep you in the hospital overnight and give you some tongue exercises to do!” “So, can you do that at the same time you break my jaw and put it back into place with plates and screws?” “Nope, sorry. We’ll need to do that as a completely separate procedure because you will have your jaws wired shut for about six weeks and we’ll need to be able to check your tongue and have you do tongue exercises.” Damn, life is so unfair at times! [sigh] So no, I didn’t get it done then, but now I’m thinkin’ hmmmm…..expanding one’s horizons is always a good thing. “Yes ma’am, I’d like to make an appointment….” Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yamtx73 0 #2 January 27, 2006 LOL Walt, only you would come up with something like that... The only naturals in this sport shit thru feathers... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #3 January 27, 2006 QuoteLOL Walt, only you would come up with something like that... These days, I'm not so sure. This was back around 1990, though, and they probably thought bad thoughts about me. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yamtx73 0 #4 January 27, 2006 QuoteQuoteLOL Walt, only you would come up with something like that... These days, I'm not so sure. This was back around 1990, though, and they probably thought bad thoughts about me. Walt Those thoughts haven't changed a bit in the past 16 years...The only naturals in this sport shit thru feathers... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #5 January 27, 2006 QuoteQuoteQuoteLOL Walt, only you would come up with something like that... These days, I'm not so sure. This was back around 1990, though, and they probably thought bad thoughts about me. Walt Those thoughts haven't changed a bit in the past 16 years... You know, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but it seems like a downright OUTSTANDING idea now! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yamtx73 0 #6 January 27, 2006 QuoteYou know, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but it seems like a downright OUTSTANDING idea now! Walt It may seem like a downright outstanding idea now except for 1 small problem... all the women here know about you and your uhmmmmm... proclivities shall we say... The only naturals in this sport shit thru feathers... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydivermom 0 #7 January 27, 2006 You are truly on a roll tonight... a roll of what...I have NO ideaMrs. WaltAppel All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #8 January 27, 2006 QuoteYou are truly on a roll tonight... a roll of what...I have NO idea Honey, I would love to be on a roll with...arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh--I just can't bring myself to say it!!! [deep breaths, Walt. just take a few deep breaths] Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tbrown 26 #9 January 27, 2006 And you're hoping your insurance company will pay for making you a more cunning linguist ??? Your humble servant.....Professor Gravity ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #10 January 27, 2006 QuoteAnd you're hoping your insurance company will pay for making you a more cunning linguist ??? Maybe if I start talking funny and claim to be "tongue-tied"? Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveStMarys 0 #11 January 27, 2006 OMG!! Your killin' me!!!!! Honestly my nephew has had it done because he was born with a slight birth defect...give me twenty years, I'll let you know how it turns out. BobbiA miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #12 January 27, 2006 QuoteOMG!! Your killin' me!!!!! Honestly my nephew has had it done because he was born with a slight birth defect...give me twenty years, I'll let you know how it turns out. Bobbi Hmmmm.....maybe I should go ahead and have it done and offer test drives? Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dumpster 0 #13 January 27, 2006 Dude, have you ever considered submitting these stories for publication? Might be enough income potential for, I dunno, a new canopy or something some day!!?? Easy Does It Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #14 January 27, 2006 QuoteDude, have you ever considered submitting these stories for publication? Might be enough income potential for, I dunno, a new canopy or something some day!!?? Thankyou very much--that is really flattering!I've been told a number of times that I should and I may do it at some point. I really have lived my life like what you read in the stories--every one of them really happened--but outside of our small community, I doubt seriously that anyone has any interest in my life. I think one of the highest purposes I can serve is to give others a few laughs and the only place I would rather do it than here is in person. This is a lot more convenient for all of us, though Thanks again for your kind words. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveStMarys 0 #15 January 27, 2006 SEE!!!!! I'm not the only one! BobbiA miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
