Men vs. Women oil change

[sdctlc 0]

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull up to Wal Mart when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00, Coffee $1.00, Total $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for
$20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide
old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental
penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil change tomorrow so you can
go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking
it back to AutoZone to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard-along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids
sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental
penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter in to eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug.
Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles
on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December(1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00, DUI $2500.00, Impound fee $75.00, Bail
$1500.00. Beer $40.00, Total -
$4165.00
-- Knowing the job was "done right" - Priceless!!

"He who Hesitates Shall Inherit the Earth!"

[ACMESkydiver 0]

Scotty, Scotty, Scotty....



PS, you do hate it when women call you 'Scotty', don't you? I'd hate to break my record and have someone actually enjoy the taunting nickname I have given them...I think the funniest part is when, upon partaking in much drink, said party politely requests that I don't call him or her 'that' any more because they don't like it....BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAA!!! Well DUH!!!!

My usual response is something like, "Sure thing, Andrew." (<--my ex-boss Andy whom I just love to pieces)


-sorry. It springs from about 25 years of mindless abuse from classmates and peers, and I just can't...break...the...cycle!!!

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[PLFXpert 0]

Not true!

I was required, despite the fact that I bought my first car at 15 on my own, to change the oil & change a tire before I was allowed to drive it. It's not that hard--and a lot of women can do it.

But, it reminds me of my favorite story--This is how you can tell a good guy from a bad:

In high school, I had a flat tire in the senior parking lot. A really good guy friend of mine was pissed at me, and had been for about a week---hadn't spoken to me---ignored me.

I was trying to change the flat in the parking lot, but I'd misplaced the lug-nut remover (OK, so I don't know the proper name for the tool thingy) and was trying to use my resources to remove it.

My friend (who mind you, wasn't speaking to me) drove by and saw my predicament. Without saying a word, he pulled over, got out his lug-nut remover thingy, and proceeded to change my tire. Then got back in his car and left. He never once said a word.

But, he obviously still *loved* me. Ha!

Eventually he got over his ridiculous reason for not speaking to me/ignoring me, but I LOVE that story and even 8 years later, still measure-a-man by how he shows you he cares by that gesture.

Even when my boy-toy is pissed or vice versa, we're there for one another. I wish ya'll the same

And that's my sappy moment for the day. I know, I know...few and far between.

Paint me in a corner, but my color comes back.

[Broke 0]

I don't need to jack up my truck to do my oil changes I don't drink to do oil changes. I only use a 1/2 inch wrench

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[diablopilot 2]

Wal-Mart will probably fuck up the oil change anyway.

----------------------------------------------
You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously.

[Elisha 1]

Quote

I was trying to change the flat in the parking lot, but I'd misplaced the lug-nut remover (OK, so I don't know the proper name for the tool thingy)

I think it's called a wrench.

[Icon134 0]

I don't drink generally... let alone when I change my oil...

and It only costs me more then $20 because I used synthetic oils...

Livin' on the Edge... sleeping with my rigger's wife...

[ViperPilot 0]

Why in God's name would people take their cars to Walmart for an oil change? What happened to people's ability to do the simplist of tasks? I'm just gonna put this out here...if you take your car to Walmart to get an oil change, you're either stupid, lazy or a combination of the two. Now if it comes up and you're way too busy to do it yourself (I still question this, but I'll give you it), then at least take it to a "real" car place, such as Jiffy Lube.

[PLFXpert 0]

Is it really?

I'm handy with a set of tools, but I think it's a special wrench; ie: has a special name. B/c mine has that extension on it you just stick this tube over the whole lug nut----WAIT, I'VE GOT IT!!! IT'S A SOCKET WRENCH!!! Just came to me

Paint me in a corner, but my color comes back.

[L.O. 0]

Tire iron.

HPDBs, I hate those guys.
AFB, charter member.

[justinb138 0]

Quote

Wal-Mart will probably fuck up the oil change anyway.

I've seen them fail to tighten a drain plug which burned up a guy's engine in a PT crusier about 2 or 3 miles away from the store.

[bazelos 0]

Funny, funny

Well I had to change a tyre once, I was having my driving lessons...but he night before I got hammered, proper hammered, I was having pints for 60p! Anyway I was still drunk when he rung me to come to the parking lot and get on with the lesson. So we went off, on one long curve I didn't see the kerb and managed to slice his tyre neatly We then spend a good ten minutes chaning the tyre, then we continued the lesson

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

[Douva 0]

Quote

Why in God's name would people take their cars to Walmart for an oil change? What happened to people's ability to do the simplist of tasks? I'm just gonna put this out here...if you take your car to Walmart to get an oil change, you're either stupid, lazy or a combination of the two. Now if it comes up and you're way too busy to do it yourself (I still question this, but I'll give you it), then at least take it to a "real" car place, such as Jiffy Lube.

I'll grant you that there might be better choices than Wal-Mart, but I don't think everyone who pays to get their oil changed is lazy. My dad owned a quicklube for 18 years. It was my first job out of high school. And I can tell you that even with a pit to stand in and a rack full of every tool you could possibly need, it's still a major pain in the ass to change the oil on some cars (think small and foreign). Even if you've got a Chevy or Ford truck (easiest vehicles to change the oil on), it's still not worth the $15 (roughly) savings to most people to spend a dirty hour in the driveway changing the oil. I haven't changed oil on a car or truck (motorcycles are a different story) since I quit that job.

I don't have an M.D. or a law degree. I have bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

[livendive 8]

Quote

Quote

Why in God's name would people take their cars to Walmart for an oil change? What happened to people's ability to do the simplist of tasks? I'm just gonna put this out here...if you take your car to Walmart to get an oil change, you're either stupid, lazy or a combination of the two. Now if it comes up and you're way too busy to do it yourself (I still question this, but I'll give you it), then at least take it to a "real" car place, such as Jiffy Lube.

I'll grant you that there might be better choices than Wal-Mart, but I don't think everyone who pays to get their oil changed is lazy. My dad owned a quicklube for 18 years. It was my first job out of high school. And I can tell you that even with a pit to stand in and a rack full of every tool you could possibly need, it's still a major pain in the ass to change the oil on some cars (think small and foreign). Even if you've got a Chevy or Ford truck (easiest vehicles to change the oil on), it's still not worth the $15 (roughly) savings to most people to spend a dirty hour in the driveway changing the oil. I haven't changed oil on a car or truck (motorcycles are a different story) since I quit that job.

Exactly. It takes me like an hour to pull out the required tools, jack up the truck, change the oil, and put everything away, and then I'm dirty (unless I remove the skid plate below the filter) and I still have the oil to dispose of. A shop will do the same job in half an hour, with no mess for me to take care of, for less than I make per hour. Such a shop is right across the street from my office, so when I need an oil change I just park there at lunchtime, tell 'em what to do, and pick up my truck after work. It's not laziness, it's just realizing that it's neither cost-effective nor an efficient use of my time to do it myself.

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[airtwardo 7]

It's not laziness, it's just realizing that it's neither cost-effective nor an efficient use of my time to do it myself.


***


YUP!

And at the place I go, they vacuum the car and wash it too...all for under 25 bucks.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[livendive 8]

Quote

YUP!

And at the place I go, they vacuum the car and wash it too...all for under 25 bucks.

They don't wash my truck, but they do vacuum it and wash the windows, plus check coolant, brake, tranny, wiper, and power steering fluids, as well as all the lights and tire pressures. Trucks cost a little more than cars, but it's still a deal I can't beat on my own.

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[wmw999 2,600]

I did a lot of my own car work for about 10 years. Your story reminds me of when I was changing a tire (I'd bought some cheap retreads -- big mistake), and a nice guy came up and did the "here little lady, let me help you with that" thing. I didn't need the help, but when you're in your early 20's, attention is rarely turned down.

So he finishes the job, and I thank him, and drive off. Only to have my wheel fall off about 1/4 mile later. He'd barely tightened the lug nuts, apparently. Fortunately, there was no permanent damage to my $300 car .

After that, I did my own tire changes. I also quit buying cheap retreads.

And these days, my oil changes are done by shops. It takes me a long time and oily hands, because I do it every few thousand miles/3 months/whatever, and they do it all the time.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[MF42 0]

I make my living as an aircraft mechanic, so I spend my fair share of time lying flat on my back on the frozen ground with my hands up inside the guts of some machine.
I aint gonna do it on my day off if $15 gets me out of it.

Matt

[PLFXpert 0]

I dont' change my own oil, either. But, I could if I wanted to

I have a friend that owns a Tune-Up shop. I've taken my car to him since I could drive. He does it for free--synthetic oils and all.

Paint me in a corner, but my color comes back.

[kallend 2,174]

It has to be true to be funny.

Not all men are incompetent mechanics. I can change oil in my MG in 10 minutes without getting my hands (or any other part) dirty at all.

Last Jiffy Lube oil change I had cost more like $40 than $20

...

The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one.

[Thanatos340 1]

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Last Jiffy Lube oil change I had cost more like $40 than $20

Lee me guess... You bought the Air Filter.

I use Jiffy Lube or Equivalent whenever I get my Oil Changed. Usually less than $25 total. When I drop the car off I tell them in advance.,... NO, I dont want a new Air Filter. NO, I dont need my Coolant Flushed, NO, I dont want my Brake Fluid Changed. Oil Change and That is it. Jiffy Lube loves the up sale.

For you 3-month/3000 mile people... RTFM!!
Most cars are good for 7500 miles easily before an oil Change should even be considered. The entire 3000 Mile thing is just pushed by people selling oil changes. Read Your owners manual (NO.. Dont go by what the Dealer says.. They sell Oil Changes too) and see what they suggest. You will be surprised.

[mr2mk1g 10]

I can't buy the oil from the motor parts shop for the price I pay for an oil change at the garage I use (with the same brand oil).

Besides I'm just way way too busy to be fannying around under my car these days. I used to do all of my own car maintenance, (and wore my sliced up knuckles with pride), but I simply can't justify the time anymore.

[Douva 0]

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Last Jiffy Lube oil change I had cost more like $40 than $20

Lee me guess... You bought the Air Filter.

When I used to work at my dad's quicklube, we sold the filters for about $7-$15 each. I went ahead and got the air filter the last time I got my oil changed in Austin (it had been a while since I'd changed it), and they charged me $30 for the damned thing. Needless to say, I'll be changing my own air filter from now on.

I don't have an M.D. or a law degree. I have bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.