jumper03 0 #1 February 14, 2006 or do a trick..I don't care. Scars remind us that the past is real Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #2 February 14, 2006 Quoteor do a trick..I don't care. I happen to know the funniest joke of all time. Here it is and it's the only clean joke that I know: Q: why are turds tapered on the ends? A: so your asshole won't slam shut!!! Shit that always cracks me up! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vallerina 2 #3 February 14, 2006 You asked for it... QuoteA squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him. "Whatcha doin' here?" asks the squirrel. "I'm here to eat some apples." "But this is a pine tree!" "I know. I brought my own apples." QuoteThere is a fly over the river. There is a fish in the river. The fish says, "if the fly drops six inches, I'll jump and grab it." There is a bear behind a tree. The bear says, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump and grab the fly and I'll catch the fish." There is a hunter on the other bank. The hunter says, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump and grab the fly, the bear will come from behind the tree and catch the fish and I will shoot the bear." There is a mouse behind the hunter. The mouse says, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will grab the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and I will eat the hunter's sandwich." There is a cat in the bush behind the mouse. The cat says, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will grab the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will eat the hunter's sandwich and I will catch the mouse." The fly drops six inches. The fish jumps and grabs the fly. The bear comes from behind the tree and catches the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse eats the hunter's sandwich. The cat jumps, misses the mouse and falls into the river. MORAL: When a fly drops six inches, a pussy is bound to get wet! I bet you learned your lesson!There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Icon134 0 #4 February 14, 2006 I just juggled my torches (they weren't lit...cause I was inside...) too bad you weren't here to see it... I think I'll go pratice in the dark so I can be ready for dublin. Livin' on the Edge... sleeping with my rigger's wife... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GiaKrembs 0 #5 February 14, 2006 A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? ... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way" The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; .... an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She says: "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies: "Look at this, still in the CRATE! g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NWFlyer 2 #6 February 14, 2006 Two boys are playing in a yard in the Triangle. Suddenly, the neighbor's dog jumps the fence and starts attacking one of the boys. His friend grabs a baseball bat from the garage and beats the dog off, killing the dog and saving his friend's life. The story attracts the attention of the local newspaper. The reporter interviews the boy, and says "Here's the headline. What do you think?" It reads: "Heroic Tarheel Fan Saves Best Friend's Life." The boy says, "Well, the story looks accurate, but the headline is wrong. I'm not a Tarheel fan." The reporter rewrites it and shows it to the boy. "Wolfpack Supporter Is Hero of the Day." The boy reviews this headline and says, "Well, it's still not right. I'm not an NC State fan, either." The reporter is puzzled. He asks "Wait, if you're not a UNC fan... and you're not an NC State fan, who *do* you follow?" The boy sais, proudly, "I'm a Duke fan!" The next day, the headline reads "Yankee Bastard Slays Beloved Family Pet." Yes, we can poke fun at ourselves, too."There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
unformed 0 #7 February 14, 2006 so there's this one-legged pirate, and he has a pet parrot .... nevermind, i forgot the rest ...This ad space for sale. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumper03 0 #8 February 14, 2006 that was a good one.... I feel better now. Scars remind us that the past is real Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skybytch 273 #9 February 14, 2006 Have you heard Wingie's duck joke? I'd tell it to you but it wouldn't be the same. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vallerina 2 #10 February 14, 2006 Oh! I know what you need...PIRATE JOKES! Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr how much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? a buccaneer What has 8 arms and 8 legs? 8 Pirates!There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jimmytavino 16 #11 February 14, 2006 A woman races into her home all excited.... She enters and yells out.... "Pack the bags,,, I 've won the lottery.." !!! A mans voice, replies,, "great,, should I pack for the mountains, or pack for the beaches"???.. She replies,,, "I don't care,,, Just get the hell Out !!!! "... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Dougiefresh 0 #12 February 14, 2006 What is brown and sticky and lies on the ground? A stick. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. Sorry, those 2 lameass jokes are the only two I can ever remember for some reason. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites jumper03 0 #13 February 14, 2006 QuoteA woman races into her home all excited.... She enters and yells out.... "Pack the bags,,, I 've won the lottery.." !!! A mans voice, replies,, "great,, should I pack for the mountains, or pack for the beaches"???.. She replies,,, "I don't care,,, Just get the hell Out !!!! "... BWHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAScars remind us that the past is real Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites unformed 0 #14 February 14, 2006 So this restaurant has a sign that says "We make all kinds of sandwiches." So this woman walks in, and says, "I want an alligator sandwich and I want it fast." And you know why that's funny? 'Cuz alligators are slow.This ad space for sale. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites The_Don 0 #15 February 14, 2006 What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball??I am NOT being loud. I'm being enthusiastic! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites waltappel 1 #16 February 14, 2006 Ok, so a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew were discussing when life began.... Oh shit, sorry, I was thinking this was Speakers Corner! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites The_Don 0 #17 February 14, 2006 Choked ! I am NOT being loud. I'm being enthusiastic! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites unformed 0 #18 February 14, 2006 Gagged?This ad space for sale. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites MrBrant 0 #19 February 14, 2006 QuoteOh! I know what you need...PIRATE JOKES! A pirate walkes into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants. The bartender asks "What's with the steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate goes "Yarr. It's drivin' me nuts" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites sunshine 2 #20 February 14, 2006 No joke here, just a big giant HUG!! ___________________________________________ meow I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Mayberry 0 #21 February 14, 2006 QuoteOh! I know what you need...PIRATE JOKES! Why did the pirate go to prison? He was convicted of AAAAARRRRson. Don Here's to friends! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites cameramonkey 0 #22 February 14, 2006 I'll do my best... but since somebody beat me to my crowd pleaser (the steering wheel).... Monica Lewensky... so she's been out of the news for a while... She takes a dress into the dry cleaner's and says she needs her dress dry cleaned. Now the owner of the place is a bit hard of hearing so he says "come again?" She says, "Nope. its orange juice!" a guy is down to his last $5,000. He goes to church and God says "go to Vegas!". He goes to the Blackjack tables and god says "bet it all. He does and gets a 5 and a 3.. 8. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a 5... 13. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a 4... 17. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets an ace... 18. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a deuce... 20. God says "take... a.... hit...." he does, and gets another ace... 21!!! God says "UNBELEIVABLE!!!!!" (ok, that one is a bit subtle, and probably loses a bit by not being able to actually TELL the joke. an old (105 years old) retired british army officer is being visited by some people, who ask him to tell them a story of his military days. He said "We were deep in the african jungle, and the natives that were carrying our belongings were getting tired, so we took a rest." " Just then, a tiger jumped out of the bushes.... RAAAAAAWRRRRR!... I shit myself!" One of the people listening said "Gee sir, I cant say I blame you for doing that. I would have done that too if a tiger jumped out at me!" So the old man said "No, not back then... just now when i went RAAAAWR!"Two wrongs don't make a right, however three lefts DO! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Mayberry 0 #23 February 14, 2006 QuoteSo the old man said "No, not back then... just now when i went RAAAAWR!" Don Here's to friends! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites wildWilly 0 #24 February 14, 2006 Q; What the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? A; Position of the dirt bag. Q; What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea A; One shucks between fitsgrowing old is inevitable, growing up is optional. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites thepollster 0 #25 February 14, 2006 Quotea guy is down to his last $5,000. He goes to church and God says "go to Vegas!". He goes to the Blackjack tables and god says "bet it all. He does and gets a 5 and a 3.. 8. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a 5... 13. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a 4... 17. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets an ace... 18. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a deuce... 20. God says "take... a.... hit...." he does, and gets another ace... 21!!! God says "UNBELEIVABLE!!!!!" (ok, that one is a bit subtle, and probably loses a bit by not being able to actually TELL the joke. I don't get it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible. Reply to this topic... × Pasted as rich text. Paste as plain text instead Only 75 emoji are allowed. × Your link has been automatically embedded. Display as a link instead × Your previous content has been restored. Clear editor × You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL. Insert image from URL × Desktop Tablet Phone Submit Reply 0
Dougiefresh 0 #12 February 14, 2006 What is brown and sticky and lies on the ground? A stick. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. Sorry, those 2 lameass jokes are the only two I can ever remember for some reason. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumper03 0 #13 February 14, 2006 QuoteA woman races into her home all excited.... She enters and yells out.... "Pack the bags,,, I 've won the lottery.." !!! A mans voice, replies,, "great,, should I pack for the mountains, or pack for the beaches"???.. She replies,,, "I don't care,,, Just get the hell Out !!!! "... BWHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAScars remind us that the past is real Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
unformed 0 #14 February 14, 2006 So this restaurant has a sign that says "We make all kinds of sandwiches." So this woman walks in, and says, "I want an alligator sandwich and I want it fast." And you know why that's funny? 'Cuz alligators are slow.This ad space for sale. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The_Don 0 #15 February 14, 2006 What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball??I am NOT being loud. I'm being enthusiastic! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #16 February 14, 2006 Ok, so a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew were discussing when life began.... Oh shit, sorry, I was thinking this was Speakers Corner! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The_Don 0 #17 February 14, 2006 Choked ! I am NOT being loud. I'm being enthusiastic! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
unformed 0 #18 February 14, 2006 Gagged?This ad space for sale. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MrBrant 0 #19 February 14, 2006 QuoteOh! I know what you need...PIRATE JOKES! A pirate walkes into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants. The bartender asks "What's with the steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate goes "Yarr. It's drivin' me nuts" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine 2 #20 February 14, 2006 No joke here, just a big giant HUG!! ___________________________________________ meow I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mayberry 0 #21 February 14, 2006 QuoteOh! I know what you need...PIRATE JOKES! Why did the pirate go to prison? He was convicted of AAAAARRRRson. Don Here's to friends! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cameramonkey 0 #22 February 14, 2006 I'll do my best... but since somebody beat me to my crowd pleaser (the steering wheel).... Monica Lewensky... so she's been out of the news for a while... She takes a dress into the dry cleaner's and says she needs her dress dry cleaned. Now the owner of the place is a bit hard of hearing so he says "come again?" She says, "Nope. its orange juice!" a guy is down to his last $5,000. He goes to church and God says "go to Vegas!". He goes to the Blackjack tables and god says "bet it all. He does and gets a 5 and a 3.. 8. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a 5... 13. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a 4... 17. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets an ace... 18. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a deuce... 20. God says "take... a.... hit...." he does, and gets another ace... 21!!! God says "UNBELEIVABLE!!!!!" (ok, that one is a bit subtle, and probably loses a bit by not being able to actually TELL the joke. an old (105 years old) retired british army officer is being visited by some people, who ask him to tell them a story of his military days. He said "We were deep in the african jungle, and the natives that were carrying our belongings were getting tired, so we took a rest." " Just then, a tiger jumped out of the bushes.... RAAAAAAWRRRRR!... I shit myself!" One of the people listening said "Gee sir, I cant say I blame you for doing that. I would have done that too if a tiger jumped out at me!" So the old man said "No, not back then... just now when i went RAAAAWR!"Two wrongs don't make a right, however three lefts DO! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mayberry 0 #23 February 14, 2006 QuoteSo the old man said "No, not back then... just now when i went RAAAAWR!" Don Here's to friends! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildWilly 0 #24 February 14, 2006 Q; What the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? A; Position of the dirt bag. Q; What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea A; One shucks between fitsgrowing old is inevitable, growing up is optional. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
thepollster 0 #25 February 14, 2006 Quotea guy is down to his last $5,000. He goes to church and God says "go to Vegas!". He goes to the Blackjack tables and god says "bet it all. He does and gets a 5 and a 3.. 8. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a 5... 13. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a 4... 17. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets an ace... 18. God says "take a hit" he does, and gets a deuce... 20. God says "take... a.... hit...." he does, and gets another ace... 21!!! God says "UNBELEIVABLE!!!!!" (ok, that one is a bit subtle, and probably loses a bit by not being able to actually TELL the joke. I don't get it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
