Not sure how to handle this...Need some input

[freefallfreak 0]

As some of ya'll know, my health failed and I kinda' need a little help these days. I hired my longest, best friends wife to help me with my house twice a month, knowing that she's on probation for drug charges and had just gotten out of a rehab center. I honestly thought she was trying to turn things around in her life and wanted to help her, as she had fines to pay and her hubby, my lifelong and best friend in this world, was making her help pay them by going to work. I am now missing a bunch of drugs, some pretty potent ones, and can't account for them. Yes, I left them out on my night stand where they could be seen, and yes, I didn't supervise her actions. In fact, I would leave the house when she was here to give her time alone to do what she had to do, thinking that if I showed trust by leaving her here by herself, that it would create a bond of trust on my part...you know, to show her that I believe in her, that she needs someone to show faith in her. I don't want to turn her in to her probation officer and I don't want to report this to the police. I can't prove that she took the drugs, either, but her and I are the only ones that have been inside this house alone in 4 months. How does one confront this situation without losing a friend or creating a problem in her life that she may not recover from? These are two people that I love dearly, with all my heart, and reporting this may put her in prison for 5 years, but may break my friendship with my very best friend of a lifetime.

TripleF

"Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up."

[lisamariewillbe 1]

Not to be a total bitch, but most of us on here tonight are grieving and in shock of the loss of the only fucking person on here who was loved by all. Last thing anyone wants to hear about tonight is your friend who is still alive making bad choices. MY friend didnt get a choice tonight , none of us got a choice and she is dead. Lifes to short, it truly is so my advice for you is do whatever the fuck you want cause ya gonna die anyways. Some die some survive. Figure out which you are doing.

And I dont want any bullshit posts about how I have no tact or Im a bitch, I dont want any pms.... I dont give a shit, no more. You fucking people get me to love you , admire you and then you die. Yes Im pissed. Im fucking pissed as hell. I read that title thinking "What has shannon done now and how much is bail" fuck this, this is why having friends sucks. Im pissed. Im pissed that I just fucking talked to her and I didnt know it was the last time.

So no pms, because I am not sorry for me telling you so the fuck what, who cares what you do because guess what, either you die or you watch your friends die , your just gonna have to do whatever you want because in the end it doesnt matter. In the end it never matters,.

Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this
Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this

[sangiro 26]

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Not to be a total bitch,

But then you went ahead an acted like one anyways.

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And I dont want any bullshit posts about how I have no tact or Im a bitch,

Well, you just got one from me.

I understand that you're grieving...many people here are. This is just not the way to do it. That was totally uncalled for. You owe FFF an apology.

Safe swoops
Sangiro

[freefallfreak 0]

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Not to be a total bitch, but most of us on here tonight are grieving and in shock of the loss of the only fucking person on here who was loved by all. Last thing anyone wants to hear about tonight is your friend who is still alive making bad choices. MY friend didnt get a choice tonight , none of us got a choice and she is dead. Lifes to short, it truly is so my advice for you is do whatever the fuck you want cause ya gonna die anyways. Some die some survive. Figure out which you are doing.

And I dont want any bullshit posts about how I have no tact or Im a bitch, I dont want any pms.... I dont give a shit, no more. You fucking people get me to love you , admire you and then you die. Yes Im pissed. Im fucking pissed as hell. I read that title thinking "What has shannon done now and how much is bail" fuck this, this is why having friends sucks. Im pissed. Im pissed that I just fucking talked to her and I didnt know it was the last time.

So no pms, because I am not sorry for me telling you so the fuck what, who cares what you do because guess what, either you die or you watch your friends die , your just gonna have to do whatever you want because in the end it doesnt matter. In the end it never matters,.

I understand mourning...maybe more than you think. That doesn't excuse your attitude or this attack. The best I can say for you is this...May you find peace somehow with yourself and grow to understand that you aren't the only person on earth with feelings.

TripleF

"Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up."

[AggieDave 6]

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Not to be a total bitch, but most of us on here tonight are grieving and in shock of the loss of the only fucking person on here who was loved by all. Last thing anyone wants to hear about tonight is your friend who is still alive making bad choices.

You know, now its my turn to be mean because that was uncalled for. It sucks you lost a friend it really does loosing friends suck, but here's a reality check. If you stick around in this sport for any amount of time, you're going to have friends die. I'm not saying that it hurts less each time, just that its something that you are going to have to come to terms with if you are going to skydive or be around skydivers.

Mourn, but there's no reason to lash out at others that weren't involved.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[Rookie120 0]

I'll respond since someone decided to slam you instead. I think you need to cut the ties. You will lose a friend out of it. But from the sounds of it someone who steals your meds instead of helping you when your in need is no friend. I have lost a friend because he couldnt lay off the dope but I am better off without him and he has hit rock bottom. Make a decision that you think is right and go with it. Best of luck to you.

If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck!

[NWFlyer 2]

It sounds like you can get her out of your life without necessarily reporting her, but tell her exactly why she's no longer working for you and that she just dodged a bullet by you not reporting her. That way you make her accountable for her actions, she can't take advantage of your kindness any more, and perhaps it'll be a wake-up call. It might not be; addiction is a wickedly powerful thing, but by allowing her to stay in your life you are enabling her addiction.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[StreetScooby 5]

I would tell her point blank - several items are missing from my house, and you're the person I suspect of taking them. Your services are no longer needed here.

Keep it short and simple. Don't debate, don't argue, say it and be done with it.

Do not tell your best friend. Let it pass. If your best friend wants to know, tell him the truth. Then, let it pass.

Don't get angry, don't raise your voice, and don't report her. Also, don't ever let her in your house again.

We are all engines of karma

[Lindsey 0]

I agree with others that you should let her go. You should discuss it with her and probably with her husband too. It's important that she's not able to be secretive about this.

BUT...leaving narcotics out when you knew she has a drug problem was kinda setting her up. Even if she is trying to do right, the most important thing for her is to stay away from drugs. You left them right under her nose. There are better ways to demonstrate trust.

linz

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail

[bloody_trauma 2]

agreed, confronation is difficult but its the very best way, if it happens again cut her loose, somepeople don't want help they are forced to seek help which only makes them worse off

Fly it like you stole it

[tigra 0]

Try to ignore the ugliness of that post if you can.

If you don't want to turn her in to the authorities, you still need to confront her and cut her loose AND tell her husbad exactly what happened. You owe him that; if she's "slipping", he needs to know.

Hindsight is 20/20 and all, but a drug addict working near narcotics is never going to be a good fit anyway. Hopefully, she'll go back into rehab, get the help she needs and you'll be able to salvage the friendship.

Good luck to you!

maura

[ladyskydiver 0]

Like others have said in this post, you need to confront her and her husband needs to know. And, definitely get someone else to help out around the house.

Hugs, FFF!

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[StreetScooby 5]

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AND tell her husbad exactly what happened...

Once the husband finds out she's no longer working there, he'll probably ask himself. That might be the best approach here.

We are all engines of karma

[jtval 0]

HEy TripleF,
I think most of us are gonna say the same thing. Confront the situation.

I know you don't wanna get your friends wife thown in the slammer but you can confront them. In fact, Think that you MUST.

don't be "confrontational" but you have to face the situation and understand that they may be totally appalled "that you would consider that she woud ever dare misuse your trust." etc

Be prepared that there may be a rift in your friendship, but if your friendship s that strong it will pass.

by reading your post I imagine the husband, won't be totally surprised, since she's been battling this addiction. I'm sure the stumble on her road to recovery can be addressed. HOPEFULLY, your friends wife will recover. but if you ignore the situation, you are only letting her betray your friendship.


Hopefully, she will come clean and hopefully that is the only thing missing from your house.

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[soulshine 0]

Put the scenario in a different light: Would you give a recovering alcoholic a job in a bar so that they could pay for their treatment and fines? No.

That is effectively what you have done. You had the best intentions and a genuine desire to do good and help a friend, but some situations are going to be too much for her to handle, regardless of intentions. It is not your fault that she has relapsed but it is your responsibility to remove her from the situation because right now her problem is stronger than your good intentions.



Now, look at this from another angle: If you continue to let her work for you, without mentioning the problem, would you feel guilty and responsible if she od's on your meds? Yes.

I know from personal experience that this type of situation is very difficult. I also know that there is not a right or wrong course of action, all of them will inevitably hurt someone. But with this you have to weigh benefit vs. risk. The risk is too great for her to continue working for you. Your friend may be angry but it will be misplaced anger and one day he may see that. He may not. That's the ugly reality when it comes to addiction and the ones we love.




Ultimately, regardless of the consequences, you have to do the right thing and hope your friend understands. You already know the right thing to do, the hard part is actually doing it. Good luck, my friend.

Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity!
~DEVIOUS BEEF~~FGF #69~

[jtval 0]

While I agree with you, the comaparison of the recovering aloholic working in a bar isn't quite the best example.

Its not like she was there to deal with meds all day. she was there to help with household chores. I may be mistaken, but I think she was just there to help him with that type of stuff, not to be his nurse.

I understand the point you were making, just wanted to make sure we both understand Triplef's thread.


Either way, she needs to be removed form the situation.

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[Royd 0]

I don't know how long yoy've been in this world, but theives are a dime a dozen, and totally opportunistic.
You might want check your other stuff.
Lock it up!

[ImGunnaJump 0]

I'm sorry you got that initial response to your post...there a lot of people grieving on the forums today, and emotions are running high, understandably.

Having had 2 family members (dad and brother) surrender the majority of their adult life to an addiction, and another brother who lived the last 10-15yrs. fairly impared, I can tell you the bottom line that you have to understand about addicts:

1. Their utmost concern is feeding their addiction.
3. You cannot fix this. Trying to fix it evidence:
-you hired her to "help" pay fines.
-you left her alone w/drugs to "build trust"
-you don't want to "tell" her husband.
-you don't want to "report" her.

These are all actions that you are taking. I'm not trying to slam you for it, only trying to point out how you may be complicet in enabling her, and I know you don't really want to do that. You are very invested in trying to help a friend, and this is very honorable, but take the advice from someone who's lived in this war zone my whole life: she has to feel the impact, the full impact of her actions. If there is one tool that I've seen have any success in stopping this freefall (absolutely no pun), it is letting the addict feel the brunt of their actions, early and hard. Just make sure that whatever help and support you offer is not trying to run interferance - it will not help, it only prolongs the agony. There is no easy way, only the best way.

IMO, you have to:
1) Confront her. If you didn't take the drugs, she did. You also have to realize that since you are sick, asking for replacement drugs from your doctor could be viewed as you having a problem coping, and could put you on "watch" by your doctor. Saying "my friend took them" is a very common phrase we hear in the medical field by those addicted to prescription drugs seeking to get more.

2) Tell her husband: you care about him so you have to let him know this event happend. Otherwise you leave him to waste time thinking things are O.K. He has to know where he stands so he can make a judgement of what to do next: either continue to help her or save himself - he can't go down with her (**Remember there is no easy way here** ). He may decide he can't take anymore, but that may be just the wake-up call she needs: it's better that she be divorced and alive; better she be in prison for a few years than dead. I hope it won't get as far as divorce and/or prison time. But the only way to stop this run-away-train is to try to hit the brakes with confrontation and the effects of consequences. With any luck, being in her face will stop this. She'll get angry at first, but in time, when clean and sober, she'll thank you. If not, then that means she still hasn't decided to take responsibility for her actions, and that is ultimately where the responsibility lies - with her.

You are a good friend...we should all be so lucky as to have one like you. Good luck and prayers for you and all the situations you face now. (sorry this is so long but I felt it necessary)

P.S. When I refered to her feeling the full consequences in a"hard" way, I don't mean to imply that this should be done in a ruthless way - you know, screaming and name-calling. To use a phrase that comes from my sunday school days, "speak the truth in love". I don't see you as an unsympathetic person, and I didn't want you to think that I was one either - it's a hard world we live in and we need each other.

"...I've learned that while the "needs" in life are important (food, water, shelter), it's the "wants" in life (ice cream, chocolate, sex) that make it worth the effort." Kbordson

[Nightingale 0]

Tell her husband your suspicion. He can look through her things if necessary. Also, go over your own home meticulously, on the off chance you did misplace the medicine. If you don't find the meds, tell her you don't require her assistance any further and leave it at that.

[Tink1717 2]

You probably don't need to do anything. If she took the drugs, she will come up dirty on the whiz quiz she has to take for her probation. The court will handle it from there. Until then, don't leave her alone in your house. Other than that, the only thing you need to do is to assure yourself that you can restore your prescriptions so that you are not compromised.

Skydivers don't knock on Death's door. They ring the bell and runaway... It really pisses him off.
-The World Famous Tink. (I never heard of you either!!)
AA #2069 ASA#33 POPS#8808 Swooo 1717

[Nightingale 0]

depending on what the drugs are, she might not test positive for them, especially if she also takes any prescription medicines, and depending on on how sensitive the test is and what it's testing for.

[wmw999 2,556]

Good post. The poster is right.
If you're friends with her husband, then you need to tell the two of them together. If you're not friends with her husband, then you need to tell her exactly why you're firing her, and if you're asked for references you owe it to her to be honest.

Not because it will make it harder for her to get the next job, but because it means that she's less likely to do something to jeopardize the next job. And by doing it this way, you're telling her that she is capable of being held to the same standards as everyone else.

It might be one of the hardest things you've ever done. So here's a hug, because if it is, it means you're a nice guy (well, OK -- I knew that one). Sometimes short term big pain is better than long-term smaller pain. Because then it's over.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[freefallfreak 0]

Ok...here's the latest. I didn't really mean to leave the drugs out. I just didn't think. I mean, who would hide their med's in their own home, especially if living alone? The thought never crossed my mind. I see now that it should have. But on to the latest.

I emptied the bottle and placed it in the middle of my dining room table. This morning she came over to finish the house. She saw the empty bottle and "hit the door". About ten minutes later my best friend showed up wanting to know why his woman came back, shaking. I showed him the bottle and the med's that were left and the date/no. of pills. He sorta' understands but was still mad and told me that he was bringing my key back. Yes, I had given her a key to my house just in case I wasn't here when she was ready to help around here.. Really naive of me, huh? He said that he had the same drugs in his house (but generic) and she hadn't touched any of them (Yes, he's a disabled veteran, too, and lives in pain as much as me.) I gently tried to tell him that she wouldn't because he'd then know that she was using. He said that she had already had a dirty urine once but it was because of an energy drink that she had drunk. I don't know if this is possible. I DO know that she went to see an old running buddy a few weeks ago, cause I saw her standing on the front porch of his house. All of this seems to be fitting in with a relapse, now that I look at it. Anyway, to make a long story short, I now am looking for someone else to help me with the house. (Volunteers, anyone? Lol.) My friend is mad at me. His wife is calling me names and their dog, who used to come down and sleep on my porch has been chained up so she can't come down. I feel like crap - like it's all my fault. Maybe I should have never hired her. It's not like I can't take care of this place by myself - it just takes a lot longer, cause I can't breathe normally and have to stop and rest after a few minutes. Hell, it takes over three hours just to wash my car and that's not doing a good job...just getting the dust off it. So....maybe someday I'll learn not to try and be a nice guy. Till then, I'm still here for anyone that needs me.

Thanks a million, people, for all the input. I kinda' knew what I was gonna' have to do. I just dreaded it so very much but reading the posts helped me more than I can tell ya'll, to do what needed to be done. Sometimes it's just hard to say "no" to people that ya' care about so much. Now, if I can just keep this attitude up and not cave in to his/her feelings, it will all be alright some day.

Maybe I should pay more attention to my own sig line...

TripleF

"Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up."

[tigra 0]

Honestly,

Don't beat yourself up too much for trusting her, OR for feeling some compassion for her and your friend. This kind of theft is REALLY common, unfortunately.

And I'm sorry your buddy is pissed, but hopefully he'll get over it, or at least not take it out on you. He needed to know. SHE needed to know that you know, and yes, they need to return the key.

Ouch---- I hope the situation gets better soon. You were a good friend to hire her and extend your trust. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

[freeflir29 0]

No worries FFF. I have a sneaking suspicion that unfortunately, your suspicions will be vindicated ALL too soon. I have been around a few addicts in my life and one thing has always held true. Just like criminals they WILL fuck up again.