guppie01 0 #1 August 22, 2006 One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." ----------------------------------------------------------- "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed t he lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ----------------------------------------------------------- He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ----------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife, no w in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! ----------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. ----------------------------------------- ------------------ Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals""Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
normiss 902 #2 August 22, 2006 An Asian couple is having sex one night when the man says to his wife " I want to 69!" The wife replies " why you want a beef and broccolli NOW?" -------------------------------------------------------- What do you call an anhorexic women with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lindercles 0 #3 August 22, 2006 Am I detecting a theme here? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydemon2 0 #4 August 22, 2006 Feeling anti-man today? Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone! I like to start my day off with a little Ray of Soulshine™!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
guppie01 0 #5 August 22, 2006 QuoteFeeling anti-man today? No, not really.... I sorta like men.... or a least a few of them... g"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
guppie01 0 #6 August 22, 2006 Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin' think so."Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
normiss 902 #7 August 22, 2006 A husband comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" he asks. "I'm moving to Las Vegas! I found out I can make $500 a night doing what I do for you for free!" The husbands gets his suitcase out and starts packing. The wife screams "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING????" Husband says "I'm going to Las Vegas to see how the hell you're going to live on $500 a year?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
guppie01 0 #8 August 22, 2006 LOL That's a good one! g"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #9 August 22, 2006 A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home. Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver. "You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver. The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big. Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need. He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy. He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a blow job. "What? Get out of my cab." He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results. He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver. And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up. Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
normiss 902 #10 August 22, 2006 good one there!! So this farmer is out plowing his fields one day when a flying saucer lands right next to him. Two aliens climb out and come over and politely introduce themselves. Farmer sees they're really nice aliens so he invites them back to the ranch for dinner. So everyone has eaten, they're sitting around drinking and getting quite hammered when the male alien leans over to the farmer and says "I've been to all sorts of galaxies all over the place and met some fine specimens, but I've never experieced sex with humans...we should swap wives for some good fun!" Farmers figures what the hell! So the farmer's wife is nailing the male alien and he asks her "Well what do you think?" She says "I guess it's ok...but you're very very small" The male alien says "No problem! This ear adjusts the length and this ear adjusts the thickness!!!" So the farmers wife has a time with his ears.... Soon everyone is back in the living room drinking again...the farmer asks his wife "So what did you think of that?" The wife says "Oh my GOD that was the most awesome sex EVER!!!! How was it for you?" Farmer says..."I guess it was alright...but that bitch about tore my fucking ears off!!!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #11 August 22, 2006 What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob . . . If we don't get some support soon, people are going to thing we're nuts!I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #12 August 22, 2006 She was SO BLONDE . . . She asked me if she could meet me at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk"I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
guppie01 0 #13 August 22, 2006 QuoteShe was SO BLONDE . . . She asked me if she could meet me at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk" LOL g"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shell666 0 #14 August 22, 2006 During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, 'What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?' 'Well...' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor, with a chuckle. 'A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup. Right?' 'Noooooooo!' answered the director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.''Shell Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #15 August 22, 2006 Blonde, brunette, and red head are in a breast stroke contest . . . They dive in - race - and the the results come in . . . the gold went to the red head for a time of 3 min 18 sec- the silver went to the brunette for a time of 3 min 21 sec- the blonde took the bronze with a time of 12 min 38 sec- She walks up to the judges and says that she didn't want to be a whiner, but she thinks the other girls were using their arms.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
normiss 902 #16 August 22, 2006 So a car load of gay men are racing a car load of lesbians from NY to Miami.... who wins???? the lesbians of course...they did 69 the whole way while the guys were still packing their shit.... ba dum dum.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #17 August 22, 2006 Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and she would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
livendive 8 #18 August 22, 2006 Blues, Dave"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!" (drink Mountain Dew) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kelel01 1 #19 August 22, 2006 That was awesome! I can only hope to be that smart when I want to fuck someone over someday! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
guppie01 0 #20 August 22, 2006 Quote Blues, Dave Is that sort of like always being there to spit on me? g"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
livendive 8 #21 August 22, 2006 Quote Is that sort of like always being there to spit on me? I thought the exact same thing. Blues, Dave"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!" (drink Mountain Dew) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #22 August 22, 2006 A computer programmer is sitting by a lake and a frog starts to talk to him. "I'm really a beautiful princess. Kiss me and I'll go out with you." The guy considers it and then picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog says, "Look, if you turn me in a princess again, I'll have sex with you." The guy just walks along humming. Finally the frog says, "What is the deal? I promised you sex!" The programmer says, "Yeah, sex would be interesting, but... a talking frog is really cool." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #23 August 22, 2006 QuoteOnce upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin' think so. _____________________________ I don't care who you are... that there's funny! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudmuncher 0 #24 August 23, 2006 SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE! What is a Yankee ? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
