What am I doing wrong?! Teacher point of view would be nice...hint hint parents too!!

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

Ok, my oldest son really struggles in Math. MY SON IS A PERFECTIONIST!!
I have been working with him at home nightly, per his teacher. My son goes to see a counselor for some anger issues which I believe really stem from his frustration with Math. Math is the first subject of the day, if Math class goes to shit, his whole day can go down the tubes (he has been sent down to the Principals office twice now for fighting). His father and I never ever pressure him to do more then he can do, meaning if he gets a 76 on a test we don't ask for an 85 next time. We just ask him to do the best he can. We give him oodles of reassance that we don't care what the grade is just try your best. My sons confidence level in the class is totally in the shitter and he broke down in the therapists office last night. She is really afraid that he will start to hate school in general and the rest of his school career will be lost. This is how bad it is getting. He needs a tutor she said. Well I walk him into class this morning and talk to his teacher. He said that he can see a huge improvement in my sons work. That my son is doing better, he is NOT failing the class as of right now and that my sons biggest problem is that when he does get a passing grade that it is just not good enough for him WTF?? I mean we stress to my son that we just want him to try, that if he gets a 76 on a test so be it. At this point my son is terrified that he is going to fail and that he will go to summer school. He has only been in school for just about 9 weeks. Its gonna be along school year if he doesn't feel confident about Math. I showed him his grade he is passing with a 74 (huge relief for me and I am thrilled). I don't know what else I can say to him to make him believe in himself and let him know that we don't care what he gets in this class!! Oooh and it's not like we talk about this struggle day in and day out. We realize that this is a stressful situation on him and don't want to keep stirring the pot. He absolutely hates Math, thinks he is the only one that is struggling and feels like a failure. All of his other class grades are superb. And the thing is, the way they teach Math here in our state is NOT the same way they taught Math when I was a kid.So to help him at home with any kind of indepth study is pointless on my part, cause I don't freakin get it either!! They make getting the answer to the problem harder then it has to be.

What can I do for him and his self confidence?? We give him praise all the time we spend time with him. Is there any way to squeeze this perfectionist side out of him!!!!!!!?????????

Thanks for letting me vent. I am really upset about this. I feel really bad for him.

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[Lindsey 0]

A tutor sounds like a great idea. He should see some more improvement in his grades AND learn that working/studying even harder can pay off. :)

Is this the first time he's even had problems with anger?

linz

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail

[monkycndo 0]

A tutor is a good idea. Improvement is great reassurence. Someone that is not related can be a big help, since he might be feeling stress, even though you are giving encouragement while tutoring. Maybe rearranging his class schedule with math at the end of the day, so he leaves school and can blow off whatever steam/stress he might be feeling some other way than fighting.

50 donations so far. Give it a try.

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[SkydiveStMarys 0]

"Maybe rearranging his class schedule with math at the end of the day, so he leaves school and can blow off whatever steam/stress he might be feeling some other way than fighting."

Nope can't do that. The class as a whole rotates thru out the day. He doesn't want to be moved from his home room.

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[normiss 874]

Reminds me of my middle daughter's struggles with reading at an early age...frustrated me and her mother too. Tutor worked miraculously for my daughter - non-fmily member so there was no pressure - intended or implied. It was amazing, she had such self confidence after the tutor to the point she loved and excelled in every part of school.
Best of luck!

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[SkydiveStMarys 0]

No it is not the first time with these anger "isssues". I truly think that the whole perfectionist "thing" feeds into the anger issues. If he tries something and fails, it crushes him. I do not pressure this kid to be the best at anything. My parents did that to me and it nearly killed me. I'm really over the whole perfectionsit thing though, it is very tiring.

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

How long was she tutored??

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[StreetScooby 5]

A couple of things leap to mind:

1) Are you reviewing the mistakes he made on his test? That way, he can rework them to see what he did wrong and know that he can get them right.

2) Not sure if this applies, but recently found out the my youngest daughter is mildly dyslexic. I simply thought she was playing dumb from watching too many Disney channel shows. She was very frustrated with reading, and was basically quiting. That now seems to be under control.

Definitely work through his mistakes and let him do them again. That should boost his confidence.

We are all engines of karma

[Thanatos340 1]

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The class as a whole rotates thru out the day. He doesn't want to be moved from his home room.

If this is causing so many problems (ie.. Fighting, Stress, Interference with other subjects), it may be a good time for him to learn you cant always "Have you cake and eat it too".

If the problems continue, His Homeroom preference should be the least of the considerations.

Maybe you should also raise your expectations of him. He obviously feels he can do better, your acceptance of marginal results could also be adding to his frustration. Saying a 74 is just fine if that is the best you can do could be sending a very different message than you think.

Math is hard for many people. He is now facing a Challenge. How he learns to deal with this challenge could set the stage for how he deals with problems in the future.

[ntrprnr 0]

Welcome to me, 20 years ago. PM sent.

_______________
"Why'd you track away at 7,000 feet?"
"Even in freefall, I have commitment issues."

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

We think the biggest problem he had was not learning the "basics" (meaning adding, subtracting, multiplying) We have since got him over that little hurdle. I'm not so sure about reasing our expectations for him when it comes to math. I mean he puts so much pressure on him self that I would think he doesn't need any other pressure heaved on top of him. Everything he does he sees as a challenge becau he is such a perfectionist! Everything from video games to skate boarding. He has got to be the best and he is for the most part, he pretty good at all of it, I think that is why he gets so fucked up when it comes to Math that he can't master it. It just blows him away that he can't be good at it so he would rather just give up, and as you and I know that is not an option.

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

Yes the teacher goes over with him the mistakes step by step. Nope, no learning disabilities, if anything he tests high on almost everything or right at school grade level.

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[d_squared431 0]

Sometimes it isn't just getting a tutor. What you might try is a different teacher(just for math). Maybe there is something with the way he is being taught math and by who is teaching it. That was a large part for me when I was younger. As soon as I had a different teacher I went form C's to A'S.

TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1
I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH
You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly

[Thanatos340 1]

I didnt say more pressure.. But positive reassurance that he CAN do better. He believes it, So should you.

He has to know that you believe in him.

I have had this same struggle with my daughter for years. The only grade she has ever received that wasn’t an A was a C in math. She took it very hard. Now our nightly conversation are always reviewing her math homework. Focusing on improvement.

It is not about pressure but about support and helping them achieve their goals.

Ask him what he thinks he can get in math. let him set the goal then help him get there.

[skymama 37]

If you can afford it, I highly recommend one of the learning centers Like Sylvan or Huntington. Both my daughter and my nephew went to the Huntington in my area and it really helped both of them. They started out by taking a long test to see where their weaknesses were, and then a program was designed specifically for their needs. They got one-on-one tutoring and also did computer programs for "work". If there was specific homework that she was having trouble with, she was allowed to bring that in too.

At first my daughter didn't want to go and she felt like she was being punished. Then, she got to be really friendly with the teachers and saw that there were other kids from her school going there, which made her feel much more comfortable. It is a fun learning environment for the kids and a real positive experience because it boosts their self-esteem when they start doing well on tests and homework. She finished her program and then about a year later asked us if she could go back for SAT prep. She finished that program too and did good enough on her first try at the SAT's to meet the minimum requirement that most universities in the state have.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[JENNR8R 0]

I feel your pain. My youngest son was in learning disabled classes the whole time he was in public school. The fact is that he wasn't disabled. He had a different learning style from the way they taught. He didn't learn from 'hearing' the information. He was placed in classes full of kids with behavior problems. All they did was require that he learn less material with fewer students in the classroom and more teachers. He was an angry young man.

It turned around for him when he found a passion. He joined the rifle club and excelled. He ended up competing at the Junior Olympics and set a National record. His self esteem soared.

He went on to graduate from "computer college" with honors. He would not have succeeded in the traditional college lecture-type of classes.

Bottom line... The tutor sounds like the answer if you can find one that will gear their instruction to his learning style. A good tutor will know how to determine that with a few questions. It will be a waste of time and money otherwise.

What do you call a beautiful, sunny day that comes after two cloudy, rainy
ones? -- Monday.

[lisamariewillbe 1]

Bobbi,

Besides the tutor theres nothing else you can do that you arent doing. Ive seen you with your kids. You are one of those moms and they are lucky monsters. Your active in their life in and out of school and say the right things, and you mean those words to. This might just be his battle. Being a perfectionist may just be the standards he wants, regardless of what anyone else does or says. I wonder if the college will help you find a tutor? Its such a small town I doubt the yellow pages has a listing but you should try CGCC and see if they can point you to something. Or maybe the teacher is willing to spend some time tutoring him after class or something. Good luck, I know this has got to be killing you inside.

Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this
Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this

[normiss 874]

DAMN!
Smart and sexy all in one package!!!

My daughter went to Sylvan for her tutoring....and her experience sounds exactly like Skymama's daughter's experience. It took mine about 6-8 months as I recall.
I wonder if they could help me with my memory...!

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

No can do. Only one Math teacher. I know, I know...

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

Thank you, you made me cry! I called the HS, spoke with the guidance center, they have tutors thru the National Honor Society. Now if the tutor is a cute girl this may have Toms world looking a little brighter in his eyes!

Thanks again for the kind words. You are not the only one this morning, that said that to me, it helps me feel better but it still is killing me.

Bobbi

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

"I didnt say more pressure.. But positive reassurance that he CAN do better. He believes it, So should you."

I am afraid to do that. Tom has a way of turning things like reassurance around to something that is not "constructive". One of those..."but you said.." type deals.

I try to give him oodles of support, high fives, hugs, etc.


"Ask him what he thinks he can get in math. let him set the goal then help him get there"

This maybe the key right here.

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[lisamariewillbe 1]

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Now if the tutor is a cute girl this may have Toms world looking a little brighter in his eyes

Maybe you can request on. Hes such a playboy.... to darn cute for his own good.

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Thanks again for the kind words. You are not the only one this morning, that said that to me, it helps me feel better but it still is killing me.

Makes the world of difference to hear that from someone who has seen you interact with them on many occasions. Your kids are funny and down to earth and hopefully the tutor will work. Now go make some mac and cheese

Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this
Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

"Sylvan or Huntington"

I checked...the closest one is like 45 miles away in downtown Jacksonville which would mean a very loooooong drive in heavy traffic. I talk to his therapist about this and she said its alot of money for not being a guaranteed outcome.

Thanks for the input though, I appreciate it.

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

"mac and cheese"

Girl! Dontcha know it!!??

My kids are good kids. I would do anything for them. I just wish I could "fix" this for Tom.

Thanks.

Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[NWFlyer 2]

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I just wish I could "fix" this for Tom.

I am not a parent, and you have gotten what seems to be some great advice from folks who are, so take this or leave it, and I'm not sure how old your son is so this may not be appropriate ...

Maybe this is a learning experience for both mom and son. Maybe this is the thing he needs to figure out how to "fix" on his own, or live with the consequences (grades). Maybe it's an early lesson that he is not necessarily going to be perfect at everything. I can only imagine that if he holds himself to such a high standard at a young age, that there are going to continue to be things that he struggles at that will cause him even greater stress down the road.

Maybe you offer him some options: 1) work with a tutor 2) do a study group with some classmates or 3) struggle through it on his own till he gets it - maybe you buy him supplemental workbooks or something.

Learning how to learn is pretty critical. I know that I didn't really get that till I got to graduate school. Pretty much everything came easy enough to me through high school, but I also did the bare minimum to get the grades I wanted.

In college, if I wasn't good at a subject I just avoided it or blew it off. It was finally in grad school that I learned different ways to learn. I learned that it was okay to ask for help (I took my mother's "be independent" message a bit too far). I learned that study groups are a good thing. I learned that sometimes I wasn't going to learn intuitively, that if I didn't understand it, I'd have to learn by brute force - repeating problem sets over and over again till I got them.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke