-And She Used to Babysit My Kids...

[ACMESkydiver 0]

The sh*t you find out about your babysitters sometimes...

This gal that was recommended to me by my friend, who had met her through church. She seemed on the up and up. Very pleasant. She's a young gal and is married. She did mention that she was on disability from the VA so she'd prefer if we just make arrangements for pay rather than form 1099 and report as income...blah blah blah. Disability was manic-depression, I asked her if she was being treated and if there was any reason why she could see it affecting her ability to watch kids...she had said that her medication was just help to keep her moods a little more even, and that there was nothing that would interfere with watching the kids.

-Everyone knows that the army hands out disability for tons of things, full or partial. I could have received a disability percentage for my broken feet, but i didn't take it. This is not uncommon, especially in a state that has such a military presence. And try to find somebody in Washington state that has NOT been on Prozac or some sh*t at some point in their lives...it just was not something that jumped out at me as being a problem.

I wasn't leaving her with JUST our non-verbal twins; she had our daughter who is the big helper with her -and I get good feedback from my daughter on how she thinks the caregivers are performing. We also have a 'nanny cam' in place that my friend (incidentally, the same one that referred this gal) gave me a few months back. She was a very nice gal, no problems, daughter liked her a lot...


Yesterday she tells my friend that she couldn't come to her house to work for her because her husband just called the police on her for hitting him. They got in a fight, she hit him somehow on his arm, he called the cops, but then she told my friend she was crying when they came so he didn't press charges. She told my friend that she was going in to see her doctor to increase her medication.

Ok that's the red light right there obviously, and my friend is now only hiring her to clean her house while she is there with her. But it gets better...

Apparently she went on to tell my friend that many of her mental challenges stem from being raised in a 'sex cult' as a child. She was passed around from man to man as a kid within this cult, and sex was just the thing they did...she didn't realize that you weren't supposed to have sex with multiple partners as a child until she became an adult...




Um, holy sh*t.

If it sounds like I'm justifying in the beginning of this post, well no sh*t. -how would you feel if you just found out you let a psycho watch your babies?

I saw her today at my friend's house cleaning...she was asking my friend why I never hire her any more. -Well, I have a good regular nanny-girl that we use always unless she has something booked in the first place, but with this new info -I don't think we'll be seeing her ever again.

I'm kind of concerned because she kept telling my friend how much she loves my kids. -now I know I'm probably over reacting by taking concern with that statement, but...



Edit to highlight the important stuff...I know few want to wade through my babbling.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[Lindercles 0]

Check out http://www.myfreebabysitterbackgroundcheck.com

[2fat2fly 0]

It's a tough position to be in-you want to help and be supportive to people who are working their way through issues---but, your first job is to be a parent and protect your kids. Stick to your guns

I am not the man. But the man knows my name...and he's worried

[ACMESkydiver 0]

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Check out http://www.myfreebabysitterbackgroundcheck.com

Goddam you, Lindercles! This was a serious post!

You dork.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[ACMESkydiver 0]

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It's a tough position to be in-you want to help and be supportive to people who are working their way through issues---but, your first job is to be a parent and protect your kids. Stick to your guns

Amen, brotha. I just feel like such an idiot for missing this...

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[Lindercles 0]

[GrabGrass 0]

2 questions;

What does she charge, and is she free on Friday?

~ "Pack Fast, Pull Low... and Date Your Riggers WIFE!" ~

[JENNR8R 0]

Apparently she went on to tell my friend that many of her mental challenges stem from being raised in a 'sex cult' as a child. She was passed around from man to man as a kid within this cult, and sex was just the thing they did...she didn't realize that you weren't supposed to have sex with multiple partners as a child until she became an adult...

Um, holy sh*t.

If it sounds like I'm justifying in the beginning of this post, well no sh*t. -how would you feel if you just found out you let a psycho watch your babies?

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Not everyone who was sexually abused as children are psycho. We are legion, and I know of many who are valuable members of society who do not abuse children as adults. That's a pretty big leap to assume that someone who had a fight with her husband that got out of hand and having a background of sexual abuse would make her a psycho. She may be, but those things don't necessarily make her so.

What do you call a beautiful, sunny day that comes after two cloudy, rainy
ones? -- Monday.

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[Tonto 1]

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She may be, but those things don't necessarily make her so.

The man in me says "I agree."

The parent in me says "I'm too scared to fuck up on this one, so I'll take my kids out of the situation."

I hate doing things because I'm scared - but there are some things that are not worth gambling your principles on.

t

It's the year of the Pig.

[JENNR8R 0]

The parent in me says "I'm too scared to fuck up on this one, so I'll take my kids out of the situation."

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I don't know that I wouldn't opt to take my children out of the situation too. It's just a shame that adult children must suffer for the sins of their fathers. They get raped again through no fault of their own.

When my children were small, I wouldn't let them near anyone with AIDS. The person with AIDS may have contracted the disease through a blood transfusion. That was no fault of their own either, but I couldn't risk letting my children get infected accidentally. It's the same thing.

If we knew everything about everyone's background, we probably wouldn't have any babysitters at all.

BTW - Don't let me near your children. I'm a survivor of 11 years of incest. A recovery slogan I learned is that "You're only as sick as your secrets." It hasn't been my secret for decades.

What do you call a beautiful, sunny day that comes after two cloudy, rainy
ones? -- Monday.

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[turtlespeed 226]

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Check out http://www.myfreebabysitterbackgroundcheck.com

Goddam you, Lindercles! This was a serious post!

You dork.

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she didn't realize that you weren't supposed to have sex with multiple partners as a child until she became an adult...

I'm confused . . .

Not supposed to have multiple partners?

What am I going to do NOW?

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[jonstark 8]

There is no shame in being picky about who you hire to watch your kids. No explaination is due ANYBODY. If it don't feel right it ain't.

jon

[popsjumper 2]

good move not hiring her again...better safe than sorry, I always say.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[ACMESkydiver 0]

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Not everyone who was sexually abused as children are psycho. We are legion, and I know of many who are valuable members of society who do not abuse children as adults.

I agree with you. My decision to fire her was after I was told that she was nearly arrested for domestic violence. The facts that she started rambling on about having sex as a child was disturbing to me, but she was ALREADY FIRED.

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That's a pretty big leap to assume that someone who had a fight with her husband that got out of hand and having a background of sexual abuse would make her a psycho.

Ok you're right, I used 'un-PC' terminology there. Whether or not she is psycho would determine where the woman gets locked up for abusing her husband. If you will excuse her for domestic violence, what else would you excuse? She doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions now because of her past? Oh HELL no. For the love of Pete the police were called by her husband to get her off of him. People that accept domestic violence FLOOR me. -Especially since you had said that you were a victim in the past...

Look, I'm not saying people that were abused can't become great people! -But someone that has ADMITTED TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is DONE. TOAST. FINITO. NO WAY are they getting around my kids.

If you think that's acceptable behavior, you could have been a choir girl at church and a perfect angel all your life, but you are NOT welcome in my home. Period. Ever.

Ok I think I repeated myself enough times. I'm done.


Edit to add: I am truly very sorry to hear that you were a victim of this stuff as a child. It sounds like you are working through that pain, and I'm proud of you for that.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[jshatzkin 0]

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When my children were small, I wouldn't let them near anyone with AIDS. The person with AIDS may have contracted the disease through a blood transfusion. That was no fault of their own either, but I couldn't risk letting my children get infected accidentally. It's the same thing.

I would say that having AIDS and being mentally unstable, using violence is NOT the same thing.

I would also like to add that being a psychotherapist, I have had a few cases of women with severe personality disorders who had the same story "I was raised in a cult and passed around for sex". I am not saying it didn't happen, but in many cases these stories are made up and exaggerated for sympathy effect and attention (part of the personality disorder). Being that she brought it up AFTER being fired makes it that much more suspicious to me.

Jen

[Shell666 0]

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The parent in me says "I'm too scared to fuck up on this one, so I'll take my kids out of the situation."

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I don't know that I wouldn't opt to take my children out of the situation too. It's just a shame that adult children must suffer for the sins of their fathers. They get raped again through no fault of their own.

When my children were small, I wouldn't let them near anyone with AIDS. The person with AIDS may have contracted the disease through a blood transfusion. That was no fault of their own either, but I couldn't risk letting my children get infected accidentally. It's the same thing.

That analogy is hardly the same thing. Your child CAN'T get AIDS from just being around someone who has it. Period.

Your child CAN get hurt by someone that has a mental illness, regardless of what it stemmed from.

'Shell

'Shell

[ACMESkydiver 0]

-I think some people are trying to comment on 'fault'.

I don't blame the woman for what happened to her in the past. And if she is truly mentally ill, then I guess I shouldn't blame her for lashing out violently at her husband (although she still must face the consequences of her actions; through the penal system if she is 'sane', or through medical treatment/facilities if she is 'not sane').

We have family that lives not far from us that I will not allow to be alone with any of my kids due to mental illness. -We still love them, but no matter how much they scream and hollar, they are NEVER to be alone with the kids.

Similarly I don't blame an epileptic for having seizures, or a paraplegic from being confined to a wheel chair, but it still doesn't mean any of them should ever be left alone with my boys because it's 'not their fault'. To do so would be asinine and question my judgement as a mother providing for the safety of her kids.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[Shell666 0]

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-I think some people are trying to comment on 'fault'.

I don't blame the woman for what happened to her in the past. And if she is truly mentally ill, then I guess I shouldn't blame her for lashing out violently at her husband (although she still must face the consequences of her actions; through the penal system if she is 'sane', or through medical treatment/facilities if she is 'not sane').

We have family that lives not far from us that I will not allow to be alone with any of my kids due to mental illness. -We still love them, but no matter how much they scream and hollar, they are NEVER to be alone with the kids.

Similarly I don't blame an epileptic for having seizures, or a paraplegic from being confined to a wheel chair, but it still doesn't mean any of them should ever be left alone with my boys because it's 'not their fault'. To do so would be asinine and question my judgement as a mother providing for the safety of her kids.

That's exactly how I feel too. It's the analogy that didn't make sense to me.

Do what's best for your kids. And trust your gut. Or "women's intuition" as the boys would say.

Best of luck with your kids!! And I hope you find a wonderful care-giver for them. I'm sure you will!

'Shell

'Shell

[JENNR8R 0]

You wrote a thread about a woman who you were happy with as a babysitter until you heard a second-hand story about an incident with the police and subsequently the woman's past sexual abuse as a child. Your conclusion is that the incident was domestic violence and the cause and effect of her instability was the sexual abuse. You are concerned that the woman has the desire to sexually abuse your children.

My reading of your third-hand account is that the police being called was probably not domestic violence on her part since the police would have arrested her if it were. I don’t believe that the police would be swayed by the woman’s tears. My guess would be that the police were called because of an argument between the husband and wife. She could have been acting unstable because of alcohol or a chemical imbalance (manic-depression). But I don’t know what really happened. I wouldn’t assume that it was domestic violence from what you wrote. I wouldn’t excuse her domestic violence if it were. Our conclusions are just different.

You are absolutely correct in not hiring someone to watch your children who you have doubts about. That’s just being a good parent. It’s just unfortunate that you are promoting the stereotype that sexually-abused children become pedophiles as adults.

***Edit to add: I am truly very sorry to hear that you were a victim of this stuff as a child. It sounds like you are working through that pain, and I'm proud of you for that.

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Thank you for your kind words. I spent many years feeling like a victim, and that wasn’t getting me anywhere. I now consider myself a survivor of the abuse and a strong woman as a result.

What do you call a beautiful, sunny day that comes after two cloudy, rainy
ones? -- Monday.

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[JENNR8R 0]

I would say that having AIDS and being mentally unstable, using violence is NOT the same thing.

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I didn’t say that it was. What is the same thing is discriminating against someone because they may have AIDS, through no fault of their own, and discriminating against someone who was abused sexually as a child. I wasn’t speaking about domestic violence or mental instability.

What do you call a beautiful, sunny day that comes after two cloudy, rainy
ones? -- Monday.

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[JENNR8R 0]

Your child CAN'T get AIDS from just being around someone who has it. Period.

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My understanding is that AIDS is transmitting by comingling blood. I can see where it's possible for my child and an AIDS carrier to be bleeding at the same time. I wasn't willing to knowingly expose my children to that remote danger.

What do you call a beautiful, sunny day that comes after two cloudy, rainy
ones? -- Monday.

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[Shell666 0]

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Your child CAN'T get AIDS from just being around someone who has it. Period.

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My understanding is that AIDS is transmitting by comingling blood. I can see where it's possible for my child and an AIDS carrier to be bleeding at the same time. I wasn't willing to knowingly expose my children to that remote danger.

Fair enough. A stretch, in my eyes, but fair enough.

I think we're getting a little off topic here. Maybe we should leave it alone and let comments regarding Acme's original post keep coming.

BTW, you're a brave, strong woman. Kudos to you.


'Shell

'Shell

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[ACMESkydiver 0]

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You wrote a thread about a woman who you were happy with as a babysitter until you heard a second-hand story about an incident with the police and subsequently the woman's past sexual abuse as a child. Your conclusion is that the incident was domestic violence and the cause and effect of her instability was the sexual abuse. You are concerned that the woman has the desire to sexually abuse your children.

Hold up here Jen...I said NOTHING about worrying that she would sexually abuse the kids. I was concerned with violence. I was particularly concerned about an admittedly unstable, violent woman that has made mention many times of loving my kids tremendously. I am concerned with this woman, as I unfortunately have to be concerned with certain mentally ill members of our extended family, about kidnapping and 'flying off the handle' errupting in violence at my very challenging children.

I am not 'new' to mental illnesses. I have had to take steps in the recent past to ban family members from being alone with the kids; that I could not see the same problems in this woman makes me feel STUPID.

The fact that she thought she needed to elaborate about an inappropriate sexual experience in her past with her employer, though clearly a rape situation and not her fault, also led me to wonder about her mental state further. -I mean for Crikey's sake why would you go into detail about a past rape with an employer to try to explain away why your husband called the cops on you beating him to explain why you missed showing up to your scheduled 2 hours to clean the client's garage? -who brings up your sexual past with an employer of any type as an excuse? Especially one that you're entrusted with watching children? Poor judgement. I need people with excellent judgement to trust with Autistic children.


Again, you seem to be dealing with your past in a positive way, good for you! This woman has a lot to sort out. My friend and I haven't written her off as a person. I honestly do hope things get better for her. My friend still uses her for housecleaning only. I say my sincere 'hi' and 'hope all is well with you' when I see her, but the gal is in no state to watch any of our kids, and I admit that I am no judge as to whether it was sanity or insanity that caused her to beat on her husband.

Edit: one more edit here ...I haven't a problem with someone that genuinely has a medical situation under control. The trick to that is knowing when someone *is* truly in control, as this woman said she was but obviously is not, and someone that genuinely is.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[JENNR8R 0]

Hold up here Jen...I said NOTHING about worrying that she would sexually abuse the kids.

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I apologize if I misunderstood your meaning. When you wrote:

***I'm kind of concerned because she kept telling my friend how much she loves my kids. -now I know I'm probably over reacting by taking concern with that statement, but...

I took that to mean you assumed she was a pedophile because of her background. That was the whole point of my replies. Thank you for clarifying what you intended to say. I have a better understanding of the situation. Phew... I feel better now.
Who knows, maybe it’s all part of a personality disorder and these stories are made up and exaggerated for sympathy effect and attention like jshatzkin said. Sharing those things to an employer does seem inappropriate.

What do you call a beautiful, sunny day that comes after two cloudy, rainy
ones? -- Monday.

[masterrig 1]

I think, you did the right thing. If, you can't feel 'comfortable' with the person caring for your kiddoes, find someone else... as you did. You are a responsible, caring mom who looks-out for her children's best welfare. You don't owe that gal a thing. Better this way than having to worry.


Chuck