A homebrewer's Night Before Christmas

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From a homebrewer out in Redlands, CA:

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except me and my spouse.
We were in the garage and bottling beer,
To give to our guests who soon would be here.

We bottled off kegs with full carbonation,
and wonderful beers for the great celebration.
I was a-filling and wife was a-capping
We were getting real tired and ready for napping.

With the last bottle filled and the mess stowed away
We trudged off to bed and to call it a day.
When all of a sudden we heard a commotion
That kicked on the lights affected by motion.

We ran to the window and out in our yard
Was a drunken old fat man I thought crashed his car.
I grabbed me a golf club to serve as a tool
To teach a short lesson to some drunken fool.

I threw open the door and what’s this I see?
It was Santa Claus taking a leak on my tree.
Unable to speak, I just watched in dismay
As he shook it a few times and put it away.

I continued to watch as I gathered my wits
And he went to his sleigh for his bag full of gifts.
It was then that I noticed the tiny reindeer
That pulled Santa’s sleigh on this night of the year.

I saw Donder and Vixen and then realized
That Cupid was leaving my lawn fertilized.
Then Santa squeezed past me and right through the door
To lay out the gifts near the tree on the floor.

A train set for Jimmy, a dolly for Sue,
A conical fermenter for I think you know who.
A sweater for sweetie that matches her hair
Were all laid out gently with great loving care.

I offered old Santa a beer and some cheese
His eyes grew real wide and as bright as you please.
“I’m sick of those cookies and milk that they leave.
If I have to eat more, then I swear I will heave.”

He sucked down with gusto my double IPA
And nibbled some cheese as he started to say,
“This beer is real tasty, it’s malty and hoppy.
It’s much better I say, than the crap from Milwaukee”

First one beer, then two beers and then it was three.
I think it was six, then he had to go pee.
He gathered his gift bag and went on his way
He had many more stops before Christmas day.

The next thing I knew old Santa was gone
And only some droppings were left on the lawn.
I heard him pass over the roof of my house
And said “Merry f-ing Christmas!”
(I think he was soused).

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