Talking to kids about separation and moving...

[jumpjunkie2004 0]

This week, I have to talk to my daughter about getting separated from her father and moving out (she and her brother will be moving with me).

She's 8 and I'm sure she is going to have a bunch of questions. I've talked to the school counselor and I've gotten some advice from her, but I was wondering if anyone has going through this and had any suggestions.

Thanks in advance for any help you can provide.

Jump, Land, Pack, Repeat...

[lawrocket 3]

I think the best thing to do this is for both you and the other parent to talk to the children together. It shows that the both of you can unite for them with things like this. Neither of you should speak badly about the other parent and should praise the other parent and the children to the children.

Still, I have a couple of pointers:

1) Kids are perceptive. Don't talk down to them.
2) Recognize that they are at an entirely different stage in the coping process. Life as they know it is about to change, and they are likely scared and confused.
3) Kids are perceptive. They have likely known that this could be coming. They sense tension and other qualities, and maybe this is something that they can see will help them with their stress. Problem is, kids feel badly and don't want to say it. Let them know it's okay.
4) Kids are perceptive - don't say anything that isn't the absolute truth. That means don't tell little untruths to deflect issues. If they have questions or concerns, they have the absolute right to an honest answer. Just do so kindly.
5) Let them know that both of you are available for them. Then, stand by the promise that you are available to them.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[wmw999 2,573]

This is good advice. Our son was 11 when my now-ex-husband and I separated. We knew it would hurt, but that it would hurt more if we lied or made stuff up.

Spending enough time with both parents is very important, as is being able to talk to your children's other parent regularly and cordially about your children. It's huge (and my son will confirm that; he's 23 now).

Good luck. It's not an easy thing. But your kids are probably already suspicious that things aren't rosy. If you acknowledge that, it will show that you respect them.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[JohnMitchell 16]

Nice advice, Lawrocket. It's especially poignant with your sig line.

I wish more families would/could stick together.

[beowulf 1]

I have plenty of experience with what not to do. My parents were divorced when I was 5. Don't talk shit about your ex to your kids. It creates conflicted feelings in the kids.

[ntrprnr 0]

I will say that Lawrocket says some of the most profound things on DZ.com. No question.

_______________
"Why'd you track away at 7,000 feet?"
"Even in freefall, I have commitment issues."

[jumpjunkie2004 0]

thanks lawrocket for the great advice : )

Jump, Land, Pack, Repeat...

[airtwardo 7]

I know it's a decision you've been weighing for some time now.

I also know that you are a smart, strong woman and that you are doing what is best for everyone involved.

As long as YOU know that too, everyone will be fine.

Although any change from a routine is stressful for kids,
if you stay positive, calm, and keep the lines of communication wide open with them, the transition might be smoother that you expect.

Kids are very perceptive and know 'something' isn't right, explain things thoroughly in a positive and compassionate manner on a level they understand.

Try to anticipate their questions and concerns and lay out what is happening with detail.

At you daughter age, kids are often concerned primarily with 'what will happen' more than 'why' it's happening...

Reaffirm to them both that they are still loved, and secure and that will never change.


Also keep in mind you are shouldering quite a load and it's okay to lean on family and friends to help you get through this time.

Good luck, be strong!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[rehmwa 2]

I think this is great that if you feel the need to ask for advice about doing the right thing for your kids, you posted it in the general bonfire rather than the women's only forum.

Is your son too young at this point? I notice you are focusing on the 8 year old. Good advice up above.

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[skymama 37]

You MUST keep things civil between the two of you in front of the kids and make sure your husband is on the same page. Believe me, if your husband has faults, your kids already know them or they will figure them out on their own as they get older, you don't need to point them out to them or complain.

The kids need to know that even though you won't live in the same house anymore, it doesn't mean that you love them any less. They need to be shown that and told that repeatedly in the beginning. If you need to cry, do it in the shower or after they've gone to bed. Don't let them overhear you talking on the phone to your friends or family about the situation. Your son may feel like he needs to be the man of the house for you now. Don't let him step into that role, let him continue to be a kid. Keep your composure, after all, how can they think that everything will be ok if you don't?

My ex and I separated 5 years ago and he is remarried now. We are quite often commended on how smoothly things run in our situation. We have joint custody, the kids spend a week at each home and we switch every Friday afternoon. Until he got married, we even shared all of the gifts that they got and everything was signed "love mom and dad". We often still sit with each other at soccer games. We cover each other's backs and help each other out of there are scheduling problems. I even spent time over the weekend taking trips to his house taking care of his dogs while he was out of town. He supports my skydiving and always tells me to be careful. I never skydive on the weekends I have my kids so they know the sport is not more important than they are.

My ex and I also talk alot about discipline and make sure the same rules are at each home. If I hear, "but Daddy lets me..." all I have to do is get on the phone and check it out. We talk about punishments before they are leveled so we are in agreement that the punishment fits the crime. Just try to keep everything the same as it always was, except there are just two households.

Of course there have been times that my ex really irritated me, but the kids never knew it. You can pm me if you have any questions, I know it's a stressful time.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[Icon134 0]

I can't help other then saying good luck...

Livin' on the Edge... sleeping with my rigger's wife...

[jumpjunkie2004 0]

I posted here because I think that getting advice from men (as well as women) might be beneficial.

My son is 15 and he already knows everything relevant. I basically said that I am not happy and I haven't been happy for a long time. Sometimes, love isn't enough to keep things together. He understood. For many years, it's was just the two of us - my husband was always off doing his own thing. So, my son have always been very close.

At 15, he still asks me to go to the movies with him and he asks me to sit down and watch TV with him. Lately, I've been impressed by his decision making skills. He was invited to smoke weed with some friends, but instead, he watched Scrubs with me. I must have done something right somewhere along the way : )

I hope the separation will be an opportunity for my husband to really get to know his children. Spending time with them without me around is very different than when I'm here with them orchestrating the relationships. I won't be pushing him to spend time with them. Hopefully, he will become involved in their lives. They are great kids. I know he loves them - now he just has to form relationships with them.

With them, I've made a huge effort to portray him in a positive light. I know he has love in his heart - he just has to let it out and share it with them. I hope he can do that for them.

Time will tell...

Jump, Land, Pack, Repeat...

[jumpjunkie2004 0]

Thanks for the great advice.

So far, things are very amicable.

I'm sure at some point, I will PM you with questions!

Thanks again.

Jump, Land, Pack, Repeat...

[rehmwa 2]

Sounds like a good kid, I didn't consider him to be older. And Scrubs is a great series.

a 15 year old boy....that's about as tough as it gets - my folks broke up when I was around that old. I turned out ok, a cousin of mine absolutely didn't in the same situation.....

and as nice a kid as he sounds, the advice out there is likely even more important for him than the 8 year old - Skymama's advice is particularly pertinent with one that age - it's a terribly important formational time in a boy's life.

good luck, congrats on being strong enough to make such a hard decision




here's something for down the road -

in a bad relationship, people need to do things in the right order (especially when kids are involved)

try to fix it
get out
get over it
start over (dating etc)

most relationships sour because one of the partners goes straight to step 4 (cheating). The get over it part is very important. The kids see this and learn from it.

but with kids, when dating, I see notes about a parent getting the kid's blessing to see someone (i.e., the kids meet the romantic interest VERY early) - I think this is a terrible practice, especially with very young kids (under 8). It's not fair to constantly rotate new people into (and then OUT of) their lives. I think one should only introduce the kids into a new relationship when that relationship is VERY serious and intending to go somewhere.

Premature advice, but it is a forum.

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[jkm2500 0]

I am going through the same thing. My kids are 6 and 1. It is extremely difficult because my soon-to-be ex just up and left the week before thanksgiving. My older son is mine from a previous marriage, and the younger is from this marriage. The older boy lives with me, and she took the younger one. My older son was devastated because he loves his younger brother. Since she isnt in town it is impossible to sit them all down together and explain what is going on. (the worst part is that I dont even know what is going on)

What Lawrocket said is absolutely correct the kids are very perceptive. My older boy knows what is going on, and I talk to him about what is going on. A while back he made a paper chain in school, in each section of the chain are the names of each member of the family. A few days ago he removed the link that said "Mommy" on it. He said that it was because he didnt like the "picture" anymore and wanted to change it.

It sucks that the kids have to go through it, but unfortunately they are in it as much as you are (if not more, they get it from both sides). your life gets to go on, but theres is stuck in between the parents.

Just be open with them, and they will be able to deal with things a whole lot better. Always keep your cool when the ex is around no matter how bad he pisses you off. Dont talk bad about him, that has the potential to taint your kids relationship with their father. In the end it will all work out for the best. You can find your happiness, and stability.

Another thing to be careful of is making sure that you arent spoiling the kids because they are going through the divorce with you. Keep the boundaries that they currently have. Make sure that your ex is on the same page so that they dont use you against him. It makes the situation worse for you if he takes them on the weekend and spoils the shit out of them and then drops them off on sunday night. It creates contention.

The primary purpose of the Armed Forces is to prepare for and to prevail in combat should the need arise.

[IanHarrop 42]

Here is a resource that has pretty good information.

I took a course related to this topic when I got divorced and I know that it has helped me be a better parent to my son as he has lived with this situation.

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/publicat/mh-sm/divorce/index.html

Edit to add: Here's the table of contents from the page above. This will get you to the information faster.

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/publicat/mh-sm/divorce/toc_e.html

"Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me" Dorothy

[freekflyguy 0]

My wife and I seperated just over a year ago.

She had moved back to the UK with the kids (10,7,1 at the time) and I had stayed in Germany until I was due to be posted back to the UK 2 mopnths later.

Whilst we were seperated I had come to the decision that we should seperate permanently and that whilst I was returning to the UK, I would not be moving in to the family home.

My wife wanted to tell the children what was happening, as my daughter the eldest knew something was up and was asking questions.

I asked her not to say anything till I returned as I wanted us to tell them together. Unfortunately it became harder for her, and we decided that she should tell the kids.

I remember to this day the most distressing phone call I have ever had, when my children rang me wanting to know why I didnt love their mummy anymore, what had they done wrong, and what could they do to make me stay at home. There were alot of tears on both ends of the phone.

I can honestly say that the temptation to stay with my wife just because I didnt want to hurt my children was very powerful, but I knew that it was not the right thing to do.

My guilt and pain was relieved somewhat the very next day when I rang the kids when they got home from school.

The oldest two were acting as if nothing had happened, they seemed happy and had accepted what the decision I had made.

A year later and although things between my wife and I deteriorated and are no longer on the same amicable terms we were initially, the kids have adjusted realy well.

The oldest two are in the top of there class, they are held in high regard by their teachers.

My eldest son does have some behavioural issue which I think are more to do with his age rather than his situation, and my daughter is now at 11 nearing those difficult teenage years.

I see my kids every other weekend, but they know that they are welcome at any time. My daughter has already stayed with me on one of the off weekends, and my son has asked if he can stay this coming off weekend.

Every second weekend my heart breaks as I drop them at their mum's, I have had to stop at the side of the road more than once, but I know that they have a much better enviorenmet now that their parents are not arguing all the time.

I get two days with them every fortnight and I make them count.

Whatever happens between you and their father, dont let it impact on them unless there are issues there.

Im sure there are times that my ex wife just wanted to punch me in the face when she saw me, but so far she hasn't.

In short, your kids will cope and adapt, they are remarkably resillient and mine continue to amaze me every time I see them. The people who will have a harder time coping are you and their father.

I hope all goes well, and im just a PM away if you want to chat.

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

[Skyrad 0]

Quote

A while back he made a paper chain in school, in each section of the chain are the names of each member of the family. A few days ago he removed the link that said "Mommy" on it.

Thats the most heart breaking thing I've read on DZ.com I really feel for you guys going through this. I hope things improve for you all.
J

When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

[Calvin19 0]

,y parents divorces when i was 16, but my pops moved out when i was 12, and then in again, and out again.

I dont think it did any wrong to my life, my parents were nice and moved a few miles apart, and sisters and me switched off, pretty much when we wnted.(rents tried to make it organised, but i told them that i get keys to both houses, and i stay wherever the hell i want)

it wasnt bad, me and siters each got new room, and it was more likely to have have a house to ourself when a rent was out on a buisness feild trip.

i dont know what i would be like or my sisters if they had stayed together. probably not much diff at all.