Animal story

[kallend 2,151]

Got this from a pilot friend...

In 1970, while finishing up in Animal Science, College of
Agriculture, Louisiana State University, I was taking Beef
Production, Pork Production, and Horse production (vernacular
terms
for the classes) as part of my last semester for my B.S. in
preparation for attending Veterinary School.

Each class sorta paralleled one another and you could see the
differences in methods of handling each class of animal as the
semester proceeded. Well, we got to the semen
collection/artificial
insemination lab work and things got interesting. First, we
observed
sperm collection from a boar. Yuk. It was, to be blunt, a
hand-job.
"I'm *not* raising pigs," I think to myself.

Next we learned how to collect from the bull. Much more civilized.
The bull is strapped to a large "wall" made out of 2x6s which is
rotated 90 degrees until he is laying down on his side--all
strapped
down with big leather straps. The electro-ejaculation machine is
placed next to the bull. A stainless steel probe is placed in his
rectum and the electro-ejaculation machine is dialed in slowly
until-- voila!--mega sperm is deposited into a huge test-tube.
Nothing to it.
Clean, easy; at least *this* bull didn't seem to mind.

Lastly, we headed over to the horse barn. There stands a dummy
horse-- a poor example at that--and a fully adrenalized stallion
which was
snorting and stomping up a BIG cloud of dust--I mean this guy is
planning on getting laid and I don't want to be anywhere near that
y, stuffed horse over there in the middle of the corral. Out comes
the professor all dressed for the occasion, holding a HUGE pipe
(artificial horse vagina) and a test tube (large variety) hanging
down from the end of it. He was wearing an L.S.& U. football
helmet
and shoulder pads, shin-guards like we wore in soccer on his
forearms
and thick padding around his legs. BIG, heavy gloves. The stallion
is
working himself up into a powerful frenzy of passion. The stallion
mounts the dummy mare and the professor runs into the frenzy of
thrashing fore-legs, BIG hooves, and snorting and reaching into
the
frenzy, he grabbed the stallion's penis and directed it into the
artificial vagina--all of this while the stallion kicked the ever-

living crap out of him as he's working over this stuffed mare. In
moments, the whole thing is over and the stallion is heading back
to
his stall. There are BIG hoof-scratches on the football helmet.

My lab partner and I are standing there knowing that WE have to
collect sperm from each of these classes of animals to pass the
course. "Bull...shit!" , (or horsepucky as the case may be).

In the coming week we accomplished the above with the exception of
the Stallion. We couldn't bring ourselves to get the crap beat out
of
us by a passionate, pissed-off, 2000 pound hunk of muscle with a
brain the size of a walnut. We decided we were too smart for that
(being city boys and all) and that there had to be a better way.
We
decided on adapting the electro-ejaculator method for the
stallion!
After all, we were smarter than *any* of those Country YoYos who
were
teaching us, right?

After dark, we *borrowed* the electro-ejaculating machine and we
headed to the horse barn. We held up traffic on Highland Road and
led
the stallion across the street and tied him next to the big swivel
table where the bull had been tied down. We strapped that
snorting,
stomping sucker to the table with the huge leather straps we had
used
on the bull. In one felt swoop we cranked the table horizontal and
now we have one really pissed-off horse on our hands. Picture
this.
It's after mid-night. We've stolen the machine, stolen the horse,
it's dark as nine feet up a bull's butt; we're making a LOT of
noise.
Campus Security is patrolling the area. I held the stallion's tail
up
and Robert shoved the stainless steel electronic probe up the
horse's
rectum. I went over to the control panel and flicked the switch.
It
was dark and I couldn't see very well; it musta been set on HIGH.
At
that instant there was a nuclear explosion of some description and
the whole damned barn began to implode. There was a huge cloud of
dust and flying splinters of 2x6 and pieces of leather rained down
around us.

The last we saw of that horse, he was hauling ass down Nicholson
Drive toward Ascencion Parish with the Animal Science Department's
electro-ejaculator probe's wires streaming out of his ass.

There was an investigation as to what had happen to the barn and
what
could have torn up the collection table and a curious professor
wanted to know who had his stainless steel butt probe.

I gave up on Vet school.

...

The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one.