The Official Cheesy Christmas jokes Thread...

[TFFTM 1]

An American couple, Hank and Kitty, and a Russian, Rudolph, were travelling by train to an international conference in Warsaw. As the weather closed in, Kitty asked: "Is it rain or sleet out there?"
"It looks like rain," said Hank.
"I agree," added Rudolph.
"Well it looks like sleet to me," insisted Kitty.
"I can assure you that it's rain," said Rudolph firmly.
"Well, I say you are wrong," snapped Kitty.










"Please," said Hank, trying to calm his wife, "surely you realize that Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear?"

BSBD
Home of the Alabama Gang

[shropshire 0]

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[NWFlyer 2]

This one's a classic ...

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet
partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an
enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank
you.

Your deeply loving Emily.

Beloved Edward, Dec 26

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing
away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and
grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily.

My darling Edward, Dec 27

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought
of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all
the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops,
but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much;
they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 28
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.
They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly -
they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect
they'll calm down when they get used to their new home.
Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 29
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold
rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A
really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which
do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived
yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid
none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants
to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a
sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I
do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you, Emily.

Dear Edward, Dec 30
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door
this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese
laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that
you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them,
and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant
well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily.

Edward, Dec 31
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to
find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our
tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to
the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to
say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please,
please, stop! Your Emily.

Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight
milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If
so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily.

Look here, Edward, Jan 2
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine
ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they
dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't
accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with
nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and
it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our
friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this
ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily.

Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing
up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the
geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of
them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties
with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to
have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily.

Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The
place has now become something between a menagerie and a
madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it
unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this
last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an
ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you
that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of
the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony
Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course
left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you
importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the
return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep Attorney at law.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[NWFlyer 2]

Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St.
Peter.

St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two
lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a
couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes
them.

"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets,
finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties.
He holds them up proudly.

Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

"They're Carol's!"

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[TFFTM 1]

Ha,ha...
Heard that one on Sirius Playboy channel the other day and could not remember it to save my life.

BSBD
Home of the Alabama Gang

[Squeak 17]

I didnt know your name was emily

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[TFFTM 1]

What does Christmas and a kitten walking in sand have in common?











Sandy Claus.

BSBD
Home of the Alabama Gang

[TFFTM 1]

Redneck Nativity Scene

An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

BSBD
Home of the Alabama Gang

[quade 4]

And now, the classic aviation Christmas joke. This joke has been in circulation from at least World War II.

---

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.

The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap.

"Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.

The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[lawrocket 3]

Dear Santa,

You might be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. Not only was I the first in my class, but also I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you; there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly across the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a goddamned yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the hell were you thinking, you fat fuck, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole ficking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree? As if you hadn't screwed me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys he can't even walk into his house.

Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up!!!! I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that freaking bike.

PISS OFF SANTA! Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT FUCK!


Sincerely,
Little Johnny

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[SkydiveStMarys 0]

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
(pick your disorder)

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the
froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle


Bobbi

A miracle is not defined by an event. A miracle is defined by gratitude.

[bluiev 0]

This is kinda old too...
-----------------------------------------------------------

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.


When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.


Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.


So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drank all the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.


Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[jheadley 0]

Why is santa's sack so big?


Because he only comes once a year.

[turtlespeed 226]

Why is Rudolph's nose so red?




















Mrs Clause was on the rag again!

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[LisaM 0]

I should NOT have read this.

~ Lisa
~ Do you Rigminder?

[JENNR8R 0]

Why are Santa's little helpers sad?




They have low-elf esteem

What do you call a beautiful, sunny day that comes after two cloudy, rainy
ones? -- Monday.

[Squeak 17]

This was a bit hit song in OZ in the Early 90s
By a Guy acalled Kevin BLOODY Wilson

Hey Santa claus you cunt!

Where's me fucking bike?

I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.

I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice

Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me fucking bike.

If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.

And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!

You've stuffed me bloody order up

It's enough to make you spew

And I'm not the only one who's snakey

Me sisters dirty too!

(female voice)
Hey santa clause you cunt!

Where's me fucking pram?

You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.

'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand

I'll give you fucking ho ho ho

You forgot me fucking pram

(male voice)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts

And I'll let your fucking reihndeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!

You just wait 'till next year, when you go to that store

And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door

And we'll say, yeah you wait for it

Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes

And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies

He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright

'Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike.

You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in

Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your fucking lights out

"I saw mummy sucking santa clause"

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?