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turtlespeed

So . . .

By turtlespeed, in The Bonfire

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Thanatos340    1

Thanatos340
The really important thing about her is that she liked to lick assholes.

"You don't really know uncomfortable until you're on your back, legs in the air, with a woman licking your anus. There's no activity, sexual or otherwise, more awkward for all involved. I guess it's not all that awkward for the person licking the asshole, but then, nothing's awkward to her. For the recipient, the male recipient, it's a total reversal of the sex roles. You're "catching" - exposed, open, invaded, suddenly the woman in the exchange. This isn't God/Grandma/Apple Pie oral sex. Barry White isn't playing in the background. They don't really do this in porn. How does it even end? Are you expected to give some unholy form of a money shot? The feeling of a tongue rolling around those parts is unlike any other.

You're spread wide, like a gynecological exam, and somebody's eye to eye with your most private of orifices. You're thinking about perineal hygiene, hearing tampon commercial dialogue in your mind. Are you fresh? You find yourself trying to recall your last constitutional. How many wipes was it? Was it a clean and solid? Did you christen a perfect, near wipe-free Chocolate Submarine? Or was it a loose beer and nacho explosion? The fact is, you can wipe and buff it more than the average shoe shine - it'll never be clean enough. It's exceedingly difficult, even if you're the Earthiest naturist alive, to feel good about the aesthetics of your asshole. It's flat out impossible to feel confident about it when someone's sniffing your "body" the same way Paul Giamatti did glasses of pinot noir in "Sideways." You barely know what it looks like at a distance, let alone up close... And what little you've seen hasn't been good.

I was too drunk to realize what she intended when she pushed me onto my back. I assumed a blow job. But her tongue started inching lower. I thought she was going to lick my testicles, which was relieving, considering the mouthful of raggedly assorted horse teeth she'd otherwise run up and down the length of my penis. But then, suddenly, without warning, she grabbed my legs and thrust them upward, pushing my asshole front and center below her face. I was startled, powerless and confused. She stared up at me for a second, grinned, then plunged her head between my legs, forcing her tongue inside me as you might slurp an oyster.

I'd like to say I enjoyed it, that I handled it like an old pro, or that I discovered some new, intense form of orgasm as a result of the experience. The truth is, nobody handles a woman spit-shining his sphincter with casual aplomb. You can't play James Bond in the situation, not even Timothy Dalton's shitty, flustered Bond. You're a fumbling, self-conscious fool. Receiving a rim job - from a random girl, your wife, or Heidi Klum - is unnerving... disturbing. Every man attempts anal sex on his girlfriend sooner or later, and every woman expects it at some point during the relationship. The anus screams for exploration. It taunts you when you take a woman from behind, a cold mocking eye - sneering, winking with contempt... "You're a big man in the front door. But you haven't brought that game into my house. You're a chickenshit motherfucker is what you are." No self-respecting man takes that kind of shit-talking from an orifice. One way or another, no matter how much of a prude she is, you're going to go in the backdoor. But licking, sucking, tasting the anus? You just don't do that, no matter how hot she is, no matter how drunk you are.

That said, I'd lick a thousand women's assholes before I'd lick one man's. I've owned a male anus for decades. Without exception, be it maintained by a manicured metrosexual with a waxed taint, or a toothless swamp cretin out of "Deliverance," the male anus is Three Mile Island toxic - a cavern of festering bacteria knotted into dreadlocks of the filthiest hair on planet Earth. It has no competition in the pantheon of grotesque body parts, holding the number one slot on that countdown since man first walked upright. One hundred stinking armpits don't equal one sweaty male asshole. That she had spent several minutes licking mine dropped her from lamentable default fuck to carnival freak in an instant.

As soon as the sex was over, I bolted for the shower, after which I sunk into the couch with five fingers of Knob Creek. I gulped it furiously, praying I'd pass out on the couch before she awoke and dragged me back into the bedroom. Certainly, she knew better than to ask for "cuddling." She had to realize by the way that I'd pulled out, snapped when she tried to kiss me, chucked the condom in the garbage and ran for the door in one fluid motion that I had no intention of being anywhere near her for another moment. I'd have barely run quicker from a rabid German Shepherd.

Whatever the reason, when you have access to willing women, you make the most of it. The opportunity's fleeting by design. Sex comes in waves - massive tidal force monsters, leaving barren shore in their wake. Women sense which men are having sex and which aren't, and they only fuck those who are already getting fucked. I don't know if this is instinctual, or if it derives from the fact that men who are already having regular sex are calmer and therefore more attractive to women. Whatever the reason, when you're in the midst of a hot streak, you're at the peak of your attractiveness to women. You take advantage of the situation, no questions asked. The wave will peak and crash. You'll inevitably find yourself in a trough again, fucking your hand and cursing your luck. When nature offers you the wave, you grab it and ride the fucker into the rocks.

Edit: Stolen from some website somewhere.

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turtlespeed    226

turtlespeed
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Edit: Stolen from some website somewhere.




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Yeah....RIGHT!:P



. . . like his "My Space" page.:D:D
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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turtlespeed    226

turtlespeed
Hmmm interesting - as of right now . . .

Only 1 out of 10 people don't like their salad tossed and 4 would like to at least try it. . .

5 a full 50% of the voting public would DEFINATELY like their salad tossed.

So to recap - 9 out of 10 skyjumpers would like too hav etheir bunghole licked.

Cool.:)
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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turtlespeed    226

turtlespeed
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9 out of 10 sky-jumpers would like too have their bunghole licked.



And that Surprises you?!? :o



No - Confirms suspicion - not surprises.

I - AM - a little perplexed by the 10% no salad tossing answer - I guess there has to be a wierdo in every crowd.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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turtlespeed    226

turtlespeed
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I'm all for anal play, but the tossing of the salad is not necessary.



Not even with a dental dam?
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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turtlespeed    226

turtlespeed
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I'm all for anal play, but the tossing of the salad is not necessary.



Not even with a dental dam?

Ok... I meant for my pleasure... I'll all for it if the guy wants it.



So what your saying is that you don't want me to lick your ass.:|
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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