I am a bad man when I get bored (long)

[waltappel 1]

So I said I was done with the confessional theme, but I just can’t resist putting another one or two out there.

This one is about something most jumpers can relate to—doing weird things when we get bored. It’s kind of a universal trait among jumpers, and I am no different. Well maybe a little different at times.

If there is a God and a Heaven and a Hell, and a Judgement Day when I will have to answer for my sins, I have a strategy mapped out.

"Lord, I know I must go to Hell. I deserve it--I can't argue that. But let's at least talk mitigating factors here. I've been really nice to animals. And as for my many sins, if you don't count the ones that I did when I was bored, I'm not such a bad guy. Boredom is a powerful force you created. I was weak and unable to resist its siren song. So please, how a little compassion? Can I please at least get one of the least unpleasant sections of Hell?"

So, back to the boredom thing.

It all started one Sunday morning when I was living in Austin, TX in the Hyde Park neighborhood. Hyde Park is a very old neighborhood with old homes, wide streets, and tall trees. Anyway, I was walking out to my car, which was parked on the street that Sunday morning, and there was this guy standing in the middle of the street looking at me.

He was one of those people who seem to have kind of an aura around them. You see them occasionally. They just have this presence that really projects.

This guy had that. Something else that really projected was the really loud plaid sport jacket he was wearing. I kind of wondered if it was nuclear powered. It was a real assault on the eyes early in the morning.

“Hi”, he said.

“Shit,” I thought, “this guy must be a Jesus freak who wants to spend his Sunday morning converting heathens like me.”

“Hi,” I said, while I was moving very, very quickly toward my car so Jesus boy wouldn’t have the opportunity to try and save my wretched soul.

Then, from his mouth came the last thing I would have expected.

“I like girls….Do you like girls?”

“What?!!!!!!!”

“I like girls….Do *you* like girls?”, he repeated.

“What in the FUCK are you talking about?!!!! Get your fucking weird ass out of here!!!!”

I chased him down the street for a couple of blocks, hoping that would clue him in to head to happier hunting grounds. At the time, there was a state mental hospital bordering on the neighborhood. I figured it was one of the patients.

At the time, it didn't seem like any kind of big deal, which seems odd to me now. I assume it was from all the time I spent with other jumpers. There were definitely women in the sport at that time, but nowhere near as many as there are now. That was a bad thing.

There's a weird group dynamic that seems to exist among adrenalized men when we hangout together. At times, we turn into these knuckle-dragging Neanderthals who function at an amazingly low mental level. I had protected my territory by chasing off the enemy. Time to go back to normal and forget about the incident.

Fast-forward to a year and a half later.

I had moved out of the neighborhood and was working full time at the state mental hospital that bordered on Hyde Park plus I was a part-time student. That can make for a pretty odd schedule. It was during mid-terms, I think, that I found myself having to go to the laundromat at around three in the morning.

I walked in with my baskets full of laundry and saw that there was only one other person in there--a wino passed out on the floor. Ok by me. After loading the machines and getting the laundry started, I leaned back in a chair and let my eyes start to glaze over.

Then he walked in.

It was the same guy I had chased down the street that Sunday morning. He wasn't dressed like a sleazy used car salesman this time, but it was him. It took less than 10 seconds for the magic words to come out of his mouth.

"Hi. I like girls. Do you like girls?"

This time, I had a completely different reaction.

Having worked at the state mental hospital for a while, I was quite accustomed to being around some very weird behaviors on a daily basis. I was comfortable with it--even a bit curious. This time, I wanted to see just how weird this guy was.

"Yes I do. I like girls a lot. And do you know what I like to do with them?"

I don't remember what list of kinky acts I described, but as I recall, it was something that the average pervert could relate to.

"How about you", I asked. "What do you like to do with girls?"

What followed was the guy describing the experience he had in his bedroom listening to his parents have wild sex in their bedroom, which shared a common wall with his. He obviously was getting a bit turned on thinking and talking about this wondrous part of his life.

I waited for a slight lull and asked him what he liked to do with his mother. You don't have to tell me that I am truly the lowest kind of vermin imagineable for asking this kind of question. I am scum for even thinking of it, but I do think weird thoughts when I get bored.

Let me tell you, he started to get excited! He went into some real detail about the seriously kinky love life that he shared with his mother! Was I repulsed by all this? Of course not. I was bored and more than willing...hell, I was EAGER to see just how weird this guy's ideations were! Then, I sunk to a new low.

"Do you have any sisters?", I asked casually.

It takes a certain kind of twisted mind to even think of asking a drooling pervert that kind of question. I plead guilty. I mean bored. Oh hell, I might as well admit it. I'm that twisted all the time.

Then, it started to get funny. If you've ever been in a commercial laundromat in the US, chances are overwhelming that you've had the pleasure of sitting in on of those rows of fiberglass seats that are attached to a metal framework. You've seen 'em--about 5 or 6 seats next to each other all mounted on a white metal frame.

So the guy is getting so turned on that he is laying across one of those rows of seats dry humping the seats as he is talking.

Was it weird enough for me yet? Oh HELL NO!!!!

I started unloading laundry from one of the dryers even though it was still wet. Anything so I could keep my back turned to the guy. I knew I couldn't look at him without totally losing it and laughing myself into a convulsion, so I unloaded some laundry and kept egging him on with more perverse comments and questions.

Then I saw a bit of movement in my peripheral vision.

He had arisen from his favorite dry-humping chairs and was standed up at the end of a row of washing machines and was OBVIOUSLY jerking off. Not just a little bit, we're talking working it like there was no tomorrow!

THAT is when I lost it. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to crack ribs!!! I know it's a real mood killer to laugh at someone while they are jerking off, but I just couldn't help it.

Apparently it did kill his mood and he quickly left the laundromat.

After I regained my composure, I had the weirdest question pop into my mind.

"Did he, uh......you know....well did he?"

I walked over to where he had been standing and looked at the side of the washing machine. Yes, it was COVERED with... It's such a fucked up picture I don't even want to say it. You know what it was covered with.

"Walt", I thought, "maybe encouraging pervs to express themselves is not such a good thing."

Yuk!!!

Fast forward a couple of years.

I was working at an institution for mentally retarded people and a co-worker said to me, "Man, I had the weirdest experience in the laundromat today!!!"

"Don't tell me," I said. "This guy comes in and goes, "I like girls. Do YOU like girls?"

"Yeah!!! How did you know?!!!"

I told him the whole story. Oddly, he knew where the perv guy lived. He was a retarded guy living in a halfway house and he seemed to have a habit of walking around asking that question.

As I said, boredom is a bad thing.

Walt

[Tenshi 0]

After this story I'm surprised you didn't go for the B&D Party

[waltappel 1]

Quote

After this story I'm surprised you didn't go for the B&D Party

What do you think I am? A perv?!!!!

Walt

[ReBirth 0]

Isn't city life great?

[Kimblair13 0]

That's probably the most f**k*d up story I've ever read.
But...I must say, quite entertaining.

[highfly 0]

I havent read it yet, but Walt you must stop taking all the bandwidth with these huge posts.
You planning on getting a book published?

"The life and Times of Waltappel."

I cant read them at work due to the huge amount of time it takes

www.myspace.com/durtymac

[Guest 1010]

Hi. I like girls. Do you like girls?

You can have it good, fast, or cheap: pick two.

[Broke 0]

ROTFLMAO

You know there is just no way to make something like that up no matter how bored you are. The only thing I have to ask is do you have enough of these stories to write a book?

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[waltappel 1]

Quote

ROTFLMAO

You know there is just no way to make something like that up no matter how bored you are. The only thing I have to ask is do you have enough of these stories to write a book?

Waaaaaaaaaaaay more than enough. Many of them are a bit too over-the-top to make public, though.

Walt

[waltappel 1]

Quote

That's probably the most f**k*d up story I've ever read.
But...I must say, quite entertaining.

If you think reading about it is f**k*ed up, you should have been there!!!

Glad you enjoyed it.

Walt

[waltappel 1]

Quote

I havent read it yet, but Walt you must stop taking all the bandwidth with these huge posts.
You planning on getting a book published?

"The life and Times of Waltappel."

I cant read them at work due to the huge amount of time it takes

Ok, I can take a hint--I'll write about some experiences that I can describe with fewer words!

Walt

[Guest 1010]

Quote

Waaaaaaaaaaaay more than enough. Many of them are a bit too over-the-top to make public, though.

'come on, just us skydivers here! Change a name or two, and write-on

You can have it good, fast, or cheap: pick two.

[waltappel 1]

Quote

Quote

Waaaaaaaaaaaay more than enough. Many of them are a bit too over-the-top to make public, though.

'come on, just us skydivers here! Change a name or two, and write-on

It ain't the names that are the problem. The problem is that some of my experiences were just so damn gross that I just don't want to post them.

Consider. As "out there" as the stories I have already posted are, try and imagine experiences so bizarre that I won't post them!!!

Walt

[Guest 1010]

Quote

Consider. As "out there" as the stories I have already posted are, try and imagine experiences so bizarre that I won't post them!!!

Wow!

[shaolin voice] ::bows head:: This young grasshopper bows to you, Master. [/shaolin]

Alcohol! Post em late on a Saturday night

You can have it good, fast, or cheap: pick two.

[waltappel 1]

Quote

Quote

Consider. As "out there" as the stories I have already posted are, try and imagine experiences so bizarre that I won't post them!!!

Wow!

[shaolin voice] ::bows head:: This young grasshopper bows to you, Master. [/shaolin]

Alcohol! Post em late on a Saturday night

...and besides, I think I have gotten myself into a situation where NO dz.com chick will ever even think about dating me--EVER!!!

It's probably time for some damage control so one or two may still be willing to at least jump with me on occasion!

Walt

[skydivermom 0]

If I ever have to use a laundrymat, I'll be sure to bring a couple of cans of lysol!

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[waltappel 1]

Quote

If I ever have to use a laundrymat, I'll be sure to bring a couple of cans of lysol!

If something like that experience doesn't make a convincing case for buying your own washer and dryer, I don't know what does!!!

Walt

[Lindercles 0]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I KNEW you couldn't stay away from the stories! And keep 'em long, they're entertaining as hell.

btw, i lived in hyde park for a short while, and i'm pretty sure i know that guy

[leroydb 0]

you owe me a new keyboard...

Leroy


..I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio...

[waltappel 1]

Quote

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I KNEW you couldn't stay away from the stories! And keep 'em long, they're entertaining as hell.

btw, i lived in hyde park for a short while, and i'm pretty sure i know that guy

Well, since you are familiar with the area, I lived at 4207 Ave H, just off of 43rd and Ave H.

The laundromat was not in Hyde Park, though. It was (I'm going from very old memory here) just off Guadalupe on 29th. Close to where the old Rome Inn used to be.

One of the weird parts was that there was a porno shop right across the street. I'm not sure why he didn't go there. Maybe he did, I don't know, but getting one's rocks off in a laundromat around three in the morning is a really funky kind of choice.

Walt

[waltappel 1]

Quote

you owe me a new keyboard...

I am afraid to ask why, but let me guess.

I'm thinkin' you puked on your keyboard, and that is understandable.

Walt

[Lindercles 0]

Quote

Well, since you are familiar with the area, I lived at 4207 Ave H, just off of 43rd and Ave H.

The laundromat was not in Hyde Park, though. It was (I'm going from very old memory here) just off Guadalupe on 29th. Close to where the old Rome Inn used to be.

One of the weird parts was that there was a porno shop right across the street. I'm not sure why he didn't go there. Maybe he did, I don't know, but getting one's rocks off in a laundromat around three in the morning is a really funky kind of choice.

Walt

the porn shop is called pleasure land, and it's still there. it's in the same little strip center with a head shop, a sheet music store, an indy video store, and a pizza joint. god i love austin.
and the mental hospital is still there too....not that i'd have any reason to know that.

there's also a toy store (seriously, a for real toy store, not an adult toy store) on the corner called "toy joy." one time my parents came into town and we happened to drive by that corner and my mom looks at toy joy and says "is that an adult store?"
i loled.

[waltappel 1]

Good ol' Austin!

Walt

[yamtx73 0]

Quote

Consider. As "out there" as the stories I have already posted are, try and imagine experiences so bizarre that I won't post them!!!

Walt

I can just imagine... c'mon.. post them!!

The only naturals in this sport shit thru feathers...

[Broke 0]

I just had to dig this one up

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192