Crappy Corporate Lingo

[bluepill 0]

Im in work.

I work for a finance company.

A senior manager has just asked me to "get Drains up" on one of our processes but not to do a "Deep Dive" on it.

What a twat.

Why is he using stupid arse corporate lingo?

Anyone got any gems that I can trump him with. Once I produce my "drains up" but not "deep dive" report ?

[Stumpy 284]

Put some stuff in about "sweating the assets" "building a straw man" (people say that one when they really don't know what it means) some blue sky/ green field thinking, and then tell him the work you are being given is non pro-social

Never try to eat more than you can lift

[shropshire 0]

You are clearly out of the loop too far left of field. I think that he just wants to touch base with you and that you need to reflect on your intra-personal skills. You should see this as an opportunity to develope new solutions and take the helicopter view viz-a vis the global situation so that you can bring to the table new ideas and this will take it to the next level.

Get all of your ducks in a row and ensure that all of the boxes are ticked before your next face-2-face interface.




<> - because he's a twat.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[Stumpy 284]

Oh yes, and remember, its not a piece of the pie, its the whole pie

Never try to eat more than you can lift

[squirrel 0]

ummmmm, yeah...did you get the memo about the TPS cover sheet on your reports?

________________________________
Where is Darwin when you need him?

[mr2mk1g 10]

Try working in law.

Your client may be required to accept primary liability based on an argument of rais ipsa loquitur though they do dispute causation as well as run an argument in con-neg even though the Protocol Period has now expired because the LOC was sent in Feb and never responded to by AXA, although to be fair the triennium period is still a long way off so Limitation's not a worry. So you send out an FOA and register the matter with the CRU of the DWP. You then receive a medical report indicating spondylolisthesis and spondylolysis in L4/L5 but not spondylosis or any facet joint weakness leading you to decide to put P35 Q's to the FRCOG as to why they're trespassing into the remit of a someone with an FRCS(Orth), followed up with a P36 to the TPR for 10k in respect of GD only, (not SD in general, LoE, LoU, or PAV mind you), to cover your back in case of costs consequences pursuant to the CPR.

I could give you worse but that's what I was doing this morning.

[ryoder 1,590]

You just gave me an overwhelming urge to strangle you.

One of my big pet peeves is corporate morons who always insert the phrase "best in class" into the requirements of every damn project! That is so asinine!!!

The purpose of every business project should be to meet the needs of the business at minimum cost. When you go out to buy a car, do you look for:
a) The best deal on a car that will meet your needs.
b) The "best in class" car.

If I was going with "b", then if I was going buy a sports car, then obviously it would need to be a Ferrari. And if I was going to buy a 4-door passenger car, the obviously nothing less that a Mercedes would do.

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[shropshire 0]

>

It worked then?


These people are dick-heads eh?

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[shropshire 0]

I do not envy you and your job..... the pay cheque, possibly but not the BS.... Have a jolly nice day.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[ryoder 1,590]

Quote

These people are dick-heads eh?

After 16 years of dealing with corporate bullshit, I realize that any any time profit or efficiency occurs, it is purely by accident.

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[bluepill 0]

Quote

Try working in law.

I work with accountants all day and that offer makes me want to stangle myself.

One I heard earlier this year, relating to loss of jobs by transferring some of our work to another country was:

"most of the FTE reduction will come from natural wastage"

Grrrr, I got some natural wastage for their in-tray.

BP

[bozo 0]

Lets not forget...."try to think outside the box"

When I hear that is when my strangler gene comes out.

bozo
Pain is fleeting. Glory lasts forever. Chicks dig scars.

[Programmer 0]

Have you ever played "BullShit" ? Before a meeting, you give each attendee a page containing about a dozen bullshit phrases like "synergy", "best of breed", "paradigm shift", etc. When the presenter uses one of the phrases, you cross it off. When all the phrases on your page are crossed off, you yell "BULLSHIT" and wave the page in the air like you've won a bingo game. Don't do this if the presenter is your boss, but it can make an otherwise dull meeting fun and exciting.

[peek 21]

I'll initiate an action item on that. (What someone actually said to me with a straight face.)

"This is just the kind of syner-gistic, customer-centric, upsell-driven, churn-reducing, outside the box, customizable, strategically tactical, best-of-breed, seamlessly integrated, multi-channel thought leadership that will help our clients track to true north. Let's fly this up the flagpole and see where the pushback is." (Source forgotten.)

Searching for "corporatespeak" will get you some more.

[masterblaster72 0]

Quote

Im in work.

I work for a finance company.

A senior manager has just asked me to "get Drains up" on one of our processes but not to do a "Deep Dive" on it.

What a twat.

Why is he using stupid arse corporate lingo?

Anyone got any gems that I can trump him with. Once I produce my "drains up" but not "deep dive" report ?

If his corporate lingo bothers you, then I suggest that you take it offline and get some face time wtih him and discuss the matter. Maybe you can leverage the opportunity to do some synergying with him and correct his verbiage.

If no solution comes of it, maybe you can run it up the flagpole if other workers have the bandwidth to put the issue in the pipeline. Just remember to keep others in the loop, always with the big picture in mind. Your colleagues will appreciate you for pushing the envelope.

Be humble, ask questions, listen, learn, follow the golden rule, talk when necessary, and know when to shut the fuck up.

[normiss 898]

You're clearly not using best practice then.

Perhaps you should submit a white paper covering the entire process so we can identify the workflow and processess required to improve the ROI.


I almost had a client convinced for the best practice DR preparations, we would all need Cadillac Escallades with On-star...at the time Chevy had not deployed On-star to the rest of the product line and that was one of the few working means of communication during the hurricanes....

almost.....effing bean counters..

[NWFlyer 2]

Just invent more TLAs. It'll confuse them but they'll think you're really smart.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[BIGUN 1,488]

While I agree with the rest of the Core Value Corporate Speak of which Peek speaks...

Action Item - comes from the project management cycle and has been around for a long time. Taking ownership of an action item is someone having the responsbility for a task that has to reach a critical milestone where there is probably finish to start subtask. Course, it does irritate me when corporate types use it, but now that I'm one of "them;" my roots will always be operations and project management. Perhaps I shoud say, when those corporate types who haven't come up through the ranks use it....

"Oooooooooooh, so you have an MBA?!?!??!? OK, I'll go over it r-e-a-l slooooowww." --FedEx Commercial.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[ltdiver 3]

Quote

You then receive a medical report indicating spondylolisthesis and spondylolysis in L4/L5 but not spondylosis or any facet joint weakness

This is the only part of your tirade that I understood. The rest just gave me a headache.

ltdiver

Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon

[mktoson 0]

Quote

If his corporate lingo bothers you, then I suggest that you take it offline and get some face time wtih him and discuss the matter. Maybe you can leverage the opportunity to do some synergying with him and correct his verbiage.

If no solution comes of it, maybe you can run it up the flagpole if other workers have the bandwidth to put the issue in the pipeline. Just remember to keep others in the loop, always with the big picture in mind. Your colleagues will appreciate you for pushing the envelope.

We have a winner!!!!!!!

So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.

[freeflybella 0]

Quote

...other workers have the bandwidth...

OMFG - I hate that one.

I'm an old school art director (read: no internet) and was interviewing for a freelance gig at a digital agency that wanted classically trained print ADs.

At the end of the interview, the dude said he would in touch shortly and asked me about my bandwidth...

(Since I was at a digital agency, I thought it was weirdly relevant question)

"uh...I have comcast high-speed internet..."

blink. blink.

Action expresses priority. - Mahatma Ghandi

[shropshire 0]

I read a funny one today...


Some tosser was speaking corporate shite, when some one else said "You have an MBA dont't you?"

"Yes"


" O.K I'll speak very slowly then."

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[pmw515 0]

>>After 16 years of dealing with corporate bullshit, I realize that any any time profit or efficiency occurs, it is purely by accident.>>>


That's an awesome quote for corperate America; I think I'll steal it, or do you have a trademark on it?