Guy walks into a bar...

[NWFlyer 2]

If there are any left that aren't on this list, post up!

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and he disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?" The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money."

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.

A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible--the three wise men came from afar."

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him. "I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the peanuts--they're complimentary."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today."

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[legalart 0]

Thank you Krisanne for posting intelligent and amusing things in the bonfire. No more sip and post for me.

[shermanator 4]

a priest, a rabbie, and a 'father' walk into a bar. the bartender says, "what is this, a joke?"

CLICK HERE! new blog posted 9/21/08
CSA #720

[JohnMitchell 16]

Thanks, those are great.

[Baksteen 84]

A guy walks into a bar - "Ouch!"

"That formation-stuff in freefall is just fun and games but with an open parachute it's starting to sound like, you know, an extreme sport."
~mom

[popsjumper 2]

...with a little man on his shoulder and orders drinks for the house. Everybody cheers! Bartender pours all the drinks and the little man, about a foot tall, hops off the shoulder, runs down the bar and kicks over all the drinks.

"Oh, sorry guys....set 'em up again bartender."
...the little guy hops off the shoulder, runs down the bar and kicks over all the drinks.

After several times, everybody is getting pissed so the bartender asks, "So what's up with the little man?"

"Sorry, man. It's like this. I found a magic lamp and rubbed it and a genie cames out. I wished for a 12-inch prick and this is what I got."







Did you ever hear about the two Irishmen who walked out of a bar?

No, I never heard of such a thing either.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[flyhi 24]

and says, "Give me a Charles Dickens martini."

Bartender says, "Olive or twist?"

Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics.

[SpeedRacer 1]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?"

And the grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink "Bob?"

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

[kallend 2,151]

...with a little man on his shoulder and orders drinks for the house. Everybody cheers! Bartender pours all the drinks and the little man, about a foot tall, hops off the shoulder, runs down the bar to the piano and starts playing.

"What's this" says the bartender.

"Well", says the man, "a genie granted me a wish, but he was a little deaf and all I got was this 12 inch pianist".

...

The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one.

[PLFXpert 0]

This is the only one I know:

A guy walks into a bar carrying a duck under his arm. The bartender says, "What are you doing in here with that pig?" And the guy replies, "It's not a pig, you idiot; it's a duck." Bartender says, "I know. I was talking to the duck."

Paint me in a corner, but my color comes back.

[PLFXpert 0]

P.S. Honor System. I'll buy a jump to the first person who replies with the correct movie I heard that joke. (Unless too much time has passed and/or too many incorrect answers that I give the correct answer myself.)

Paint me in a corner, but my color comes back.

[masterrig 1]

After all those, I think, I'm gonna walk into a bar!


Chuck

[crotalus01 0]

El Mariarchi

As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD...

[PLFXpert 0]

Nope.

But, my version is not word for word from the movie.

You can guess again, though. No limit. Of course, I'm assuming someone cares right now.

Paint me in a corner, but my color comes back.

[Thanatos340 1]

This String walks into a Bar and tries to order a Drink. The barkeep says Sorry we don’t serves Strings in here. The string begs for a while but the barkeep still says no.
The String goes outside and balls himself up and rolls around for a while. He then goes back into the bar and Orders a Drink. The Barkeep says Hey aren’t you that String that was just in here?
The String Replies, "NO, I am Afraid Not".


This Mushroom walks into a Bar. He starts Buying Round after Round of Drinks for everyone in the bar. Finally someone walks up to the mushroom and says You are a Nice Guy.
The Mushroom replies, "No, I am Not a Nice Guy... I am a Fun Guy!!"


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

[UDSkyJunkie 0]

Quote

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

I prefer:

"A baby seal walks into a club."

best joke ever!

"Some people follow their dreams, others hunt them down and beat them mercilessly into submission."

[PLFKING 4]

.....and orders a drink. While he's relaxing, he notices the piano player has a pet monkey who carries the tip jar around to the patrons, waits until they put some cash in, then goes to the next customer. When the monkey finally arrives at his table, he drops the jar, jumps up on the table, urinates in the guy's beer, then runs back to the piano. Enraged, the man storms up to the piano player, and says "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer ?"

The pianist says "No, but hum a few bars, and I'll fake it."


Don

"When in doubt I whip it out,
I got me a rock-and-roll band.
It's a free-for-all."

[csubl 0]

One Friday evening, a guy walks into a bar, orders three beers at once, and proceeds to drink them. The bartender asks if there's a story involved.

Turns out the guy's name is Fred, and he and his two brothers used to get together for a beer on Friday night. They now live far apart, so Fred drinks three beers each Friday night, to maintain a sense of connection between the three brothers.

This goes on for several months, and by now everyone in the bar knows the story. One night, Fred comes in, orders two beers, and starts to drink.

The bar is respectfully silent until, as Fred is draining the second beer, one of the patrons approaches and says "I just wanted to let you know that we're all very sorry for your loss".

Fred looks confused, then looks at the two glasses and smiles. "No, no, everyone's fine. It's just that the doctor told me that I had to quit drinking".