Grief

[karenmeal 0]

Grief - has just hit me hard.

I was friends with so many people on that caravan and I just haven't been able to deal with things until now. I just started grad school and it's been a 70-80 hour a week commitment. Going to funerals for 3 out of the last 4 weekends has been a tough addition into an already stressful schedule.

Just this week, I got past mid-terms and finally got into the swing of things as far as having clients goes. The stress from school has eased off a bit, and with that the adrenaline of getting through another day has faded and I'm finally left to face my feelings.

I still can't believe we lost that many friends. In my mind I keep replaying scenarios of what the last moments have been like, I've seen the pictures of the crash sight and morbidly, I keep thinking about that.

I know some of you have lost friends in plane crashes, how do you deal with losing that many friends at once?

I'm going to a counselor on Wednesday, I didn't realize I needed it until yesterday.

I'm posting not to get the response of, "you need help," because I am getting it, but to get responses from the people who have experienced something similar. I'd love to hear from you Quantum Leap folk.

-Karen

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham

[NWFlyer 2]

I have been wondering myself how people were going to be coping after October ended ... the constant barrage of memorial events was almost like a numbing ritual that gives us all something to do and a formal structure in which to gather and grieve ... and then it's all over and you're faced with the time to actually start to process instead of going through the motions. I expect a lot of us are thinking ... "now what."

I'm glad to hear you're getting help, and I really have nothing to add since I've never been through this before, either... just wanted to send you much love up I-5.

Edited to add that Kathleen's post reminded me that sometimes, in my darkest times, doing something for others is just what I need to get out of my own head, even for a little while. I recall a volunteer project the Saturday after 9/11 ... it was such a healing experience to just throw myself into the work and know that I was making a difference in someone's life, however small. It made the world seem a little less dark even though things seemed really bleak then.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[skydivermom 0]

I'm not with the quantum leap group, but I've dealt with death more times this year than ever. One of the things that helped me cope was being there for the folks closest to those who have passed. I jumped with my first student a few months ago, and had no idea I would enjoy it so much. Well, he died tragically in a motorcycle accident just after he earned his A. I had never met (and still haven't) his mom, but I helped her sell his parachute, and I got so much out of that simple act. I also sent her pictures taken of us about a week before her son died. They were actually the last pictures taken of him

I hope this helps in some way and that I'm not just babbling. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please feel free to PM anytime.

Mrs. WaltAppel

All things work together for good to them that love God...Romans 8:28

[diverdriver 7]

Well, I'm not a Quantum Leap person but I did jump from that plane a couple of times and met the DZOs.

However, I have lost several friends and acquaintances over the years in jump plane crashes specifically. It hurts because it is such a huge, rare event. Large turbines can take out alot of people all at once. But do you linger with thoughts about skydiving fatalities? Maybe this is different because it was in the national spotlight for the time that it was. There has been an emphasis put on this event in your life. I know what it's like. It still hurts to think about my friends who died in a Cessna 206 crash in 1998. Almost 10 years ago. And it still pangs at me. But the thoughts of it do not rule my mind every day. But it still comes to mind often, especially when I write about jump planes here and elsewhere. So I never really get away from it.

For me, talking about jump plane safety is the only way for me to deal with my grief over that tragedy. I think you need to think about what you can do to take control of this situation for yourself. I can't tell you what to do. But you will find something to do that will replace the helpless feeling about the situation with something that you feel is productive. And you may not have that answer this week or next. But in time, something will come about. Talk about your friends and how they lived their lives. Remember them as something that was positive in your life and enriched your life. They obviously were or you would not have such hurt feelings about this. So honor them by keeping their memory alive.

I visited the memorial for the 1992 twin otter crash at Perris. Several trees were planted in their memory with plaques of their names. A living monument to their existence. An effort of rememberance by those that knew them while they walked the earth. You cannot change the event of this but you can certainly shape how things will be remembered. When you pass, you would want those that knew you to have felt enriched by knowing you. Do that for your friends here.

I remember those on N506SD and how each one impacted my life. Many moments of interaction that I carry forever. They are remembered by my actions now and in the future.

-- for Dave, Ken, Eric, John and Marion.

Chris Schindler
www.diverdriver.com
ATP/D-19012
FB #4125

[karenmeal 0]

I don't think it has much to do with the media attention.

It has more to do with the fact that I've known some of those folks for going on 5 years. I was really close to some of them and would have become really close to others.

A big chunk of my social network has just been taken out all at once.

It's a very different thing to when I've lost a friend at a time to skydiving when there is only one person I'm missing and thinking about.

The tough thing for this is that that I think about one person and I cycle through all of the other friends that I lost. There are so many things that could remind me of any one of them any time of the day.

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham

[diverdriver 7]

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The tough thing for this is that that I think about one person and I cycle through all of the other friends that I lost. There are so many things that could remind me of any one of them any time of the day.

I completely understand.

[Amazon 7]

I think the greatest tradgedy of this crash and the loss of the ten is how it has affected those of us left behind.

For so many of you especially those who are young .. this is the first experience of loss.... loss of friends.... loss of innocence.... loss of the immortality of the young for so many. It is always worse for those of us left behind to ponder our loss and to think of our own mortality.

[JustChuteMeNow 0]

Hey Karen,

I have lost many friends and family to premature death. I have posted something that gave me some comfort and and hopefully it will give you some comfort as well.

---

His father had been dead for fifty-three years.
Since then, Marshall had lost his wife, two siblings, and son-in-law, as well as many friends and colleagues. Even at his advanced age walking with two canes and battling cancer, he was sought after in his community for his wisdom and good humor.
He was glad to give advice to others. Yet, he told me, when he faced tough decisions himself, he’d often sit quietly in his easy chair, close his eyes,
and conjure up an image of his own father. Then he’d ask the dead man for advice.

He heard no actual voices from beyond, but when he emerged from his meditation, he’d usually have something of an answer. Marshall explained:
"The loss of cherished persons is never completely overcome. The relationships continue. They are always with us. . . .
I have my father’s value system, his frame of reference. I have preserved the father-space inside me."

-- Neil Chethik, in FatherLoss : How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads


I'll let you do your own soul searching and interpretations of what that passage means but like I said it helped me. Memories are a great but they can be powerful.

Think of how stupid the average person is and realize that statistically half of them are stupider than that.

[ACMESkydiver 0]

Glad to hear that you're getting help.

I don't let death rule the rest of my life. Joe doesn't allow it. I know that might sound cruel to those that don't know us...but it helps a lot. I'd never lost 10 friends at the same time before...and I'd never lost anyone to a plane crash before, but I have had to grieve multiple losses in a short time frame. It's tough, you're absolutely right.

My friend lost her mom and dad in a plane crash a few years ago. That was tough for her and she is still trying to deal with it. Something about losing someone to a plane crash I think makes it more difficult. I think you touched on it when you were talking about the crash site -somehow a plane crash just conjures up too many images, especially for those of us that have flown or jumped out of GA aircraft.

And just so you know that you're not alone...I had a hard time thinking about their last moments, too. Over and over for days on end, until I had to tell myself to stop doing it. Sometimes it's a blessing having so many distractions in life. It doesn't allow you to dwell as much, as you mentioned.

I know you were closer to them than I was; in fact I had never met many of them. I'm sorry I can't offer more. I think you're doing the right things. It's just going to hurt for a while. I'll give you another hug the next time I see ya...I'm sorry.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[Fozz 0]

Karen

Knowing full well we can't go back and must keep moving forward. I learned many years ago that the friends I've lost racing and riding motorcycles still leave holes in my life, BUT, if I put myself in the position of asking what my friends would want for me after their tragedy or what I'd want for my friends if it was me.

My racer friends would want me to keep racing and remember the good times. They would say “call, or get together with our mutual friends and remember the GOOD things, cherish them, tell a story about me that makes people laugh.”

If it ever happens to me I want you all to know you made my life a better place to be and that my friends are the greatest gift I've ever had, the ones I've had for 25 years, and the ones I've made in the last 10 months.

Keep doing what you love and smile for me when I cross your mind, share a happy moment remember me with a smile

Karen I can't help but think they would want this for you and all the friends who are having to process this now that the quite time and the dark are here.

Having said that I would say to all "Sometimes tomorrow never comes so be your best self today! say the things you feel to the people who matter! you may not get another chance."

John Fosgate
"In the end, its always best to choose the hard right over the easy wrong." LouDiamond
MB 4310
www.N3Racing.com

[kbordson 8]

Karen,

I haven't had the loss in numbers that you just felt, but even if I had, I still wouldn't say "I know how you feel." Because I don't. I can only look from the outside and imagine the pain that you are feeling right now.

I know that you've never met me and I'm hundreds of miles away, but I wanted to send you some comfort and support. There's nothing that I could say to ease the deep chasm that you feel - the overused "it's all God's plan" or "They're in a better place" does little to ease your heart; there's nothing that I could give you to "make this better" -but time ... hopefully, time will dull the sharpness of the loss. Not that you'll forget your pain, but rather, time will soften the edges so that your spirit can heal. It hasn't been long since the accident, your grief is still raw and hollow.... Accept the pain and realize you have great friends who will hold you dear as you recover from this. Take the time to grieve, to be angry, to scream in the midnight..... and in time you will learn to live again.

[karenmeal 0]

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Edited to add that Kathleen's post reminded me that sometimes, in my darkest times, doing something for others is just what I need to get out of my own head, even for a little while. I recall a volunteer project the Saturday after 9/11 ... it was such a healing experience to just throw myself into the work and know that I was making a difference in someone's life, however small. It made the world seem a little less dark even though things seemed really bleak then.

You know, that is a really good idea. I was just thinking about figuring out how to do something like that yesterday. Jeff and I want to have thanksgiving by ourselves and since we're doing that it'd be cool to also cook for a family that needs it.

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham