grannyinthesky 0 #1 January 2, 2008 My niece shared this with me earlier and I thougt it might get a smile or two. An old man is sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walks up and sits down on the bench. The young man has spiked hair in many different colors: Red, blue, green, purple, pink, and orange. The old man just stared at the young man. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer? Never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replied," Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, just wondering if you were my son...""safety first... and What the hell..... safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy POPS #10490 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
d_squared431 0 #2 January 2, 2008 That is cute... TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1 I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
iluvtofly 0 #3 January 2, 2008 LMAO...that was great. I needed a good laugh. Thank you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jimmytavino 16 #4 January 2, 2008 hahaha very good... j Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beerlight 0 #5 January 3, 2008 Here's one for ya..... HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY Today I shot the worst round of golf in my life. At least I got laid. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grannyinthesky 0 #6 January 3, 2008 LOLI always thought that golf was a waste of time and money and now I know it's even worse than I thought!! "safety first... and What the hell..... safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy POPS #10490 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
galvar2439 0 #7 January 3, 2008 Come on now!, golf was my first passion for years, i even got good enough to qualify for the US open in 04. I love the game, it takes skill and nerves to be good at it. But since i found skydiving, i quit my country club after 15 years so i would jump more. Now golf is my second favorite sport. Heres a good golf joke, A forsome tees off during light rain, by the second hole it is a full storm. Lightning strikes killing all 4. They get to the pearly gates and Gabriel tells them there has been a mistake! the four golfers infront of them were suppose to die, not them. But they cant go back as themselves so Gabriel tells them to decide what they want to go back as and he will make it happen. The 4 talk it over and tell Gabriel, We want to go back as Lebians, so we can play from the red tees and still lick pussy!So i just broke up with this woman who wasn't even my girlfriend! Hellfish #782, POPS #10664 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grannyinthesky 0 #8 January 3, 2008 Ok, maybe golf isn't all bad. I tried it this last fall during our in-service and decided it was one whole hell of a lot harder to hit that little bitty ball than I ever imagined. It's supposed to become an annual event, so I'll probably give it another try. It sure can't compare to skydiving though and if the weather is good enough for golf, it would have to be good enough for jumping!!"safety first... and What the hell..... safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy POPS #10490 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TrophyHusband 0 #9 January 3, 2008 try getting drunk first. the guy a play golf with gives me shit for being so bad, but i get to play twice as much as him for the same price. "Your scrotum is quite nice" - Skymama www.kjandmegan.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zing 2 #10 January 3, 2008 A serious golfer is on a business trip to the home city of the Master's Tournament and heads to the course to play a round. He insists that he is real serious about his game and does not want to be paired up with any duffers. The reservations clerk points out the window near the first tee, where the most beautiful woman the golfer has ever seen is warming up. "She said the same thing about her game, how about you play a round with her?" says the clerk. The golfer agrees and strolls out to meet the woman. They agree that the winner after 18 holes gets treated to dinner at the restaurant of their choice by the loser, and off they go for 18 holes. Its a tight battle as the round progresses, he plays from the men's tees and she plays from the ladies. After 17 holes, the score is tied and both of them are sitting on the green after two strokes on a par 4 hole. He putts from 25 feet away and leaves his ball just short of the cup, but the woman sinks her 15 foot putt to win by one stroke. He takes her to dinner, then drives her back to her hotel, where they arrange for a rematch the following day, and then to his great pleasure, the beautiful lady golfer gives him the best blowjob he's ever had. She then jumps out of the car and heads for the front door, promising him her best in the rematch the next day. They meet as planned, and once again, its a seesaw round with both of them taking and losing the advantage until once again they arrive on the 18th tee tied. His second shot on the par 4 hole lands on the green and rolls right up to within two feet of the pin, a certain birdie for him, but her second shot lands on the green bounces twice and rolls into the cup for a second win. Once again, he takes the beautiful woman to a fancy restaurant for dinner and drinks, on him, and once again he drives her to her hotel where he gets another great blowjob. As she starts to get out of the car, he takes hold of her hand and says, "please, don't go. I've had the most incredible time with you for the past two days, and I'd really like to get to know you better." To his surprise, the lovely woman begins to cry and sobs inconsolably. "What's wrong?" he asks, "are you married or something?" "No," she says, "the truth is, I'm a transexual and I haven't had the final surgical treatments that will make me a real woman." She looks at him and can see that he is stunned, but his bewilderment quickly turns to anger and he says ... "I can't believe you would deceive me like this," he says. "If you'd been honest with me you'd have played from the men's tees and I'd have won both of those matches!"Zing Lurks Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grannyinthesky 0 #11 January 3, 2008 Quotetry getting drunk first. the guy a play golf with gives me shit for being so bad, but i get to play twice as much as him for the same price. We wanted drinks, but they wouldn't bring the drink cart out. I guess we need to drink first and then play. I was already getting 3 or 4 times the swings as other golfers and that's only counting the ones where I actually hit the ball. By about the 8th hole, I was hitting the ball a lot more often."safety first... and What the hell..... safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy POPS #10490 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
galvar2439 0 #12 January 3, 2008 This year i am working in the players locker room at thte 2008 PGA Championship held at Oakland Hills Country Club here in West Bloomfield Michigan. So i will be able to speak to all the players. In one of the threads earlier, someone thought Tiger had about 35 jumps, I will ask if it is true. I think he did his with the Golden Knights. Tiger woods is in the deep south and walks into a golf course pro shop and says i dont have a tee time but i want to play today. The good old boy behind the counter says, we dont allow your kind on this course, but there is a course that does about a three wood shot down the road. Tiger looks at the man in shock and says, do you know who i am, i'm Tiger Woods!. The good old boy says, well i guess that would be about a 7 iron shot down the road for you then.So i just broke up with this woman who wasn't even my girlfriend! Hellfish #782, POPS #10664 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grannyinthesky 0 #13 January 3, 2008 QuoteThis year i am working in the players locker room at thte 2008 PGA Championship held at Oakland Hills Country Club here in West Bloomfield Michigan. So i will be able to speak to all the players. In one of the threads earlier, someone thought Tiger had about 35 jumps, I will ask if it is true. I think he did his with the Golden Knights. Be sure and let us know what hapens. The only celebrity type I have met was Jake Plummer. He was a really nice guy. We ran in to him at a bowling alley in Boise and he took time to just chat with my grandson. Oh, one ohter one----Marilyn Chambers from Behind the Green Door fame. Whe looked so sweet in person that you would never guess what she did for a living. Quote Tiger woods is in the deep south and walks into a golf course pro shop and says i dont have a tee time but i want to play today. The good old boy behind the counter says, we dont allow your kind on this course, but there is a course that does about a three wood shot down the road. Tiger looks at the man in shock and says, do you know who i am, i'm Tiger Woods!. The good old boy says, well i guess that would be about a 7 iron shot down the road for you then. This kind of attitude really pisses me off. I'm usually pretty easy going, but there are things that will get me riled."safety first... and What the hell..... safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy POPS #10490 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mamajumps 0 #14 January 3, 2008 I heard that in a comedy club, except it was a parrot. I seriously envisioned my dad as the old man, he would so do that! I laughed so hard that night!!! That is so so so funny! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grannyinthesky 0 #15 January 3, 2008 As a joke, I'll generally laugh, but, although it's been a while, I have seen that kind of behavior in person. That's what gets me riled. And, there are some, mostly in northern Idaho, that still act that way, unfortunately."safety first... and What the hell..... safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy POPS #10490 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 35 #16 January 3, 2008 QuoteAs a joke, I'll generally laugh, but, although it's been a while, I have seen that kind of behavior in person. That's what gets me riled. And, there are some, mostly in northern Idaho, that still act that way, unfortunately. Yep, I know the history. Unfortunate, though."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
galvar2439 0 #17 January 3, 2008 It is just a joke i heard, obviously being a golfer he is one of my heroes. I am Mexican American and was one of the first to join the country club i belong to. It was funny the first time i went to dinner at the club, an older gentleman was trying to park his very large, old Lincoln Continental (beautiful car). He could not get in the space. He got out of the car and looked around and saw me, he threw the keys at me and said, "park my car". He did not say it mean, just frustrated. So i parked the car. When i got out he gave me five bucks and said "i know you people work hard here". When i told him i was a new member he didn't know what to say. No i did not keep the $5.00 He was so embarrased he bought my dinner that night. That is a true story. My point is, it is a thought process learned. I did not hold it against him.So i just broke up with this woman who wasn't even my girlfriend! Hellfish #782, POPS #10664 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grannyinthesky 0 #18 January 3, 2008 Quote It is just a joke i heard, obviously being a golfer he is one of my heroes. I am Mexican American and was one of the first to join the country club i belong to. It was funny the first time i went to dinner at the club, an older gentleman was trying to park his very large, old Lincoln Continental (beautiful car). He could not get in the space. He got out of the car and looked around and saw me, he threw the keys at me and said, "park my car". He did not say it mean, just frustrated. So i parked the car. When i got out he gave me five bucks and said "i know you people work hard here". When i told him i was a new member he didn't know what to say. No i did not keep the $5.00 He was so embarrased he bought my dinner that night. That is a true story. My point is, it is a thought process learned. I did not hold it against him. I do appreciate the humor, honest AS someone whose social conscience developed in the xcivil rights era, it's just one of those things that can once in a while spark a little blaze. If I ever seem to be upset when Ishouldn't be, feel lfree to tell me to lighten up. Oh, by the way, I like how you dealt with the gentleman at the club. That shows a lot of class on your part."safety first... and What the hell..... safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy POPS #10490 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The_Don 0 #19 January 4, 2008 This one's for you granny! A man & woman were debating about who gets more pleasure from sex. The man says " We want it all the time, so we must enjoy it more". The woman says " Well think about this. When your ear itches & you put your finger in there & wiggle it around.. what feels better, your finger or your ear? " I am NOT being loud. I'm being enthusiastic! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grannyinthesky 0 #20 January 4, 2008 Thanks"safety first... and What the hell..... safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy POPS #10490 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gene03 0 #21 January 4, 2008 That was a magnificent reply and demonstrates a lot of class on your part, not to mention a great story. "you people" uhm, okay.“The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him. Stanislaw Jerzy Lec quotes (Polish writer, poet and satirist 1906-1966) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #22 January 4, 2008 A man is standing on a street corner when a pickup truck stops in front of him. All of a sudden, a pig runs out of the bushes and jumps into the back of the truck. The farmer asks the man what he should do. Being that it is in the city, he suggest that he take the pig to the zoo. Six days later, the man is standing on the same corner and the truck pulls up, but the pig is in the front seat wearing a big pink ribbon tied in a bow. He asks the farmer what is going on. "I took your advice and went to the zoo. We had such a great time, we're going to the beach today." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grannyinthesky 0 #23 January 4, 2008 "safety first... and What the hell..... safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy POPS #10490 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
