lilDevil 2 #1 March 12, 2008 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? _________________________________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.``````````````````````````````````` " Cant keep a good woman down " Angels have wings, but devils can fly ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
longtall 0 #2 March 12, 2008 Cathy ; Where are you...........................J..........." 90 right, five miles then cut."---Pukin Buzzards Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sartre 0 #3 March 12, 2008 Pretty funny! But I am grateful that the lawyers I know are all much, much smarter than that. Love you Jewels and Lawrocket Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
futuredivot 0 #4 March 12, 2008 Aw, quit sucking up. Are you about to get busted or something? You are only as strong as the prey you devour Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sartre 0 #5 March 12, 2008 Well, considering that I've had a sleepover with Jewels during which she wore my lingerie, I want to stay in her good graces. She looks HOT in slinky underwear!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cocheese 0 #6 March 12, 2008 Jewels will always be hot because she has a big heart. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #7 March 12, 2008 Quote Well, considering that I've had a sleepover with Jewels during which she wore my lingerie, I want to stay in her good graces. She looks HOT in slinky underwear!! Pictures, dammit! We...need...PICTURES!!!"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jewels 0 #8 March 12, 2008 Quote Quote Well, considering that I've had a sleepover with Jewels during which she wore my lingerie, I want to stay in her good graces. She looks HOT in slinky underwear!! Pictures, dammit! We...need...PICTURES!!! How did this thread take this turn--and so fast?! Nobody's asking to see Lawrocket's pics. . . . I mean, really . . . let's be fair! TPM Sister #102 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Royd 0 #9 March 12, 2008 Reply To -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, considering that I've had a sleepover with Jewels during which she wore my lingerie, I want to stay in her good graces. She looks HOT in slinky underwear!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pictures, dammit! We...need...PICTURES!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QuoteHow did this thread take this turn--and so fast?! Nobody's asking to see Lawrocket's pics. . . . I mean, really . . . let's be fair! Just be glad you're not running for gubner or sumthin'. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #10 March 12, 2008 Quote WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? My favorite comebacker. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sartre 0 #11 March 12, 2008 Quote Jewels will always be hot because she has a big heart. Yep. She'll even be nice to the likes of you. You gotta have a big heart for that to work. I, obviously, do not. Tiny, tiny heart. I'm good with that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cocheese 0 #12 March 12, 2008 You have a big heart too. I know it's in there. Don't know why you try to make it appear smaller than it is. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sartre 0 #13 March 12, 2008 Nah, pretty sure my heart's about the size of your.... I don't suffer fools silently. At least not on dizzy. I tend to let a lot more shit roll off my back in real life. This isn't real life. Am I one of the fools on dizzy? Absa-fucking-lutely. Gives me great fun, as a matter of fact.Now, back on topic, I believe we were discussing my favorite lawyer wearing lingerie. Along with my favorite tunnel coach's wife. And yes, Ryoder, I DID get pictures. Why do you suppose Jewels and I are now BFF? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #14 March 12, 2008 Quote Why do you suppose Jewels and I are now BFF? Lesbian Three Way?I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sartre 0 #15 March 12, 2008 Well, not strictly lesbian three way. We like men too. They're fun to play with. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveJack 1 #16 March 13, 2008 Thanks lilDevil! I laughed my ass off! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
