A few jokes

[nigel99 616]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my p****s one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my p****s......fifty times."

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed,
“Look lady!
My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.
He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"

Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

[shropshire 0]

A bloke and his wife have a stop over in Bangok on the fligh back from Oz. The lady goes shoping but the chap doesn't fancy that so goes for a walk.
He comes across a massage parlour over the street from his hotel, so walks in. The madam asks what he wants. He blushes and points at one of the pretty young things..."That's £1000" says the madam.. but the man says that he doesn't want to pay that much, and was thinking more along the lines of £200. The madam laughs and tells him to sod off.

The next day the couple are coming out of the hotel to get a taxi to the airport when the madam from over the road sees them and shouts at the bloke "See, that's what you get for £200".

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[happythoughts 0]

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For hells sake, Johnny, can't you play something this damn dog doesn't know?"

[headoverheels 334]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his motor cycle, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, " Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times , you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

" A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. " The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[BillyVance 35]

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[vortexring 0]

A teacher asks her class to tell a story that includes a moral. Johnny's hand shoots up, but she avoids him - he's too rude.

Jenny has her hand up, so she asks her her story: 'At the weekend I went to my Grans farm, and she asked me to collect some eggs. I put all my eggs in the basket, ran back and tripped - smashing all the eggs. She told me not to put all my eggs in one basket.'

'Excellent!' announces the teacher. 'Anyone else?' knowing fine well little Johnny is literally reaching up to the tropopause.

Nobody else has a story. 'Go on then Johnny, lets hear your story...'

'Well! During the 2nd World War my Granda was in the Para's. They dropped him behind enemy lines and he ended up seperated from his platoon and all his equipment. All he landed with was a bayonet and a bottle of whisky. He soon found himself surrounded by a patrol of 20 Germans!'

'Incredible!' said the teacher, 'What happened next!?'

'Well, he drank all the whisky then killed all the Germans with the bayonet!'

'That really is a most incredible tale Johnny!' cries the teacher, 'But what's the moral?'

'Don't fuck with my Granda when he's pissed...'

'for it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "chuck 'im out, the brute!" But it's "saviour of 'is country" when the guns begin to shoot.'

[wmw999 2,588]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit te Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again; he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..



(Are you ready for this?)




(Are you sure?)




(You know you're gonna be sorry)





(Last chance)





(OK, here it is)





It says,


Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)