bloody_trauma 2 #1 August 18, 2008 My wife and I have been together for about 8 years, and have been married for almost 6 of those years. her sister and a friend of mine cornered me in my bedroom and coerced me to date her... soon after we started seeing each other my father passed away who was my only guardian when i was 17... so begins our life together I had to move in with her and her parents into a run down apartment, they fought alot so i moved in with my brother, and his fiancee, who treated me like crap and took every penny i had... so i moved back in with my then girlfriend at the time, he parents had aqcuired a run down house that hadnt had the taxes paid on it... trying to acquire the deed... anyways thier fighting got so bad that i said enough and moved us into our first apartment...for three years i tried to make it through highschool and hold down a job... highschool lost out to surviving so we got married and i enlisted in the military... i'm slowly starting to realize that i didnt marry to woman i was supposed to... i'm so torn, i'm thinking about seperation/divorce for a while, i need to get away... I'm just not feeling it anymore and i'm weary of dealing with all of the idiocyncrasies that she brings... theres alot... i'm just tired of repeating myself and trying to get her to act right... i've given just about ill can give, and i think ive taken enough heat from our relationship... I'm so bumed, this will hurt her so bad, but i just cant see mself being here anmore in this way... dammitFly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
virgin-burner 1 #2 August 18, 2008 have you told her in that way about how you feel!? you cant really change someone, unless they want it themselves. if it will hurt her as bad as you say it would, maybe that would be the start of that process? oh, and dont try to get her to "act right", that is not only belittling someone, its also insulting and usually only enforces their negative behaviour. tell her about how you feel, do not value her (in)actions, just what it triggers in you. people act better upon that, as its easier to adapt and understand. if you confront someone with their faults and quirks, it automatically puts them in the defensive. this is not constructive.. good luck man!“Some may never live, but the crazy never die.” -Hunter S. Thompson "No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try." -Yoda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SBS 0 #3 August 18, 2008 Couple of things: 1) Married people could speak to this better than I can, but based on observation, it seems common to have negative thoughts around 8 years into a relationship/marriage. 2) My grandparents were married for about 55 years. My grandma was talking to my exgirlfriend one time, and said to her, "you know, people always told us that in marriage there would be hard days. Nobody ever mentioned the hard years." I guess I just want to say exactly what I am sure you have thought...make sure that this is really what you want before you make a move to the definitive end. Good luck. -S_____________ I'm not conceited...I'm just realistic about my awesomeness... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #4 August 18, 2008 Quote 2) My grandparents were married for about 55 years. My grandma was talking to my exgirlfriend one time, and said to her, "you know, people always told us that in marriage there would be hard days. Nobody ever mentioned the hard years." Bingo.Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #5 August 18, 2008 i'm just tired of repeating myself and trying to get her to act right... Quote That statement says several things, none of which are good. KaChink... ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Squeak 17 #6 August 18, 2008 Quote 2) My grandparents were married for about 55 years. My grandma was talking to my exgirlfriend one time, and said to her, "you know, people always told us that in marriage there would be hard days. Nobody ever mentioned the hard years." -SDid she mention if the hard years were worth it?You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky) My Life ROCKS! How's yours doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites peregrinerose 0 #7 August 18, 2008 Getting her to 'act right'? Damn, that's harsh. You can only change yourself and communicate with her. If you aren't looking at your own actions in the marriage and communicating well with her, you are just as much of the problem as she is. Have you considered marriage counselling? If your first instinct is to bail out rather than putting a lot of effort into saving your marriage, you're being a little hasty.... and that speaks volumes regarding your character. Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Nightingale 0 #8 August 18, 2008 Have you tried marriage counseling? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites bloody_trauma 2 #9 August 18, 2008 scheduled for this thursday. i'm unsure if it should just be me going or both of us... shes going to be devastated when i come full out on this... i've told her that i am unhappy, and that i'm just not feeling it anymore, but thats about the gist of it, tonight im going to sit her down and tell her all the reasons i no longer want to be married... it's just not what i want anymore... and when i say wont get right... i mean just that... i should have seen it coming, shes not very organized, so when i first met her there were clothes and junk stremn all over the floor, literally covering the floor, i wrote it off as they moved in and didnt have a place to put everything... so when i moved into the house with them... same thing the house was always filthy so between the fighting and the state of the house... we left... both of the apartments we lived in were perpetually trashed unless i cleaned it... when i left for basic training, i thoroughly cleaned the house, when i came back it was trashed again... so i cleaned it again... I flew to germany and got us a place while she had movers come and pick our stuff up so she could come join me... the movers refused to enter the property from the stench of cats... so she had to reschedule and when the second set of movers came they refused as well, so they made a deal and my wife and her sister and mom had to carry everything out of the house so the movers could pack it up on the balcony... I left to iraq before my stuff got to germany... when i came home from deployment the house again was trashed and on subsequent deployments upon coming back same thing, and during the time in between whne i was there she would do nothing, just hang out and let stuff pile up... when i want to have friends over i clean the house completely and she just sits around like a deer in the headlights... I've tried to get her to take college courses and she wont cop to it, says she doesnt have time... we dont share any of the same interests, i kayak, i skydive, i hike, i run, I'm active and she just sits around and gets bigger and bigger... her family is fuckin crazy... moms an alcoholic, and everytime she gets drunk she slanders my name, calls me a peice of shit, falls down, busts her head open and doesnt remember shit... two faced bitch... she smoke around my child, demands to hold him when she s drunk and thinks she has some sort of right to my child... her fathers not around but hes a peice of work, always asking me for money and making lewd comments, i'm pretty sure he has AIDS, he shoots dope, and steals shit from people, between the two of them in the past year i've lost at least 1000 dollars due to thier incompetence... at least once a year if not more my wife gets in a wreck... the last time was a rental that got totalled, and she got cited for it and then didnt show up to court, so the cost between the deductable, and the no show, and the removal of the warrant, i almost shit... she doesnt take proper care of her body(hygienically) and those are just the ones to start with, I made a list of things i liked/disliked about her and the dislike is extremely longer than the likes, same thing for reasons to stay/leave, disproportionate on the leave side... i'm sure i have my flaws too but i can't stand it anymore, i dont feel compatible with her, and i'm tired of trying to change her, knowing that you can't people... Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites LisaH 0 #10 August 18, 2008 Sounds like she just wants to be taken care of and not put forth any effort towards having a meaningful and successful marraige. Good luck with this.Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites guppie01 0 #11 August 18, 2008 Wow! I have to agree with Lisa. Be careful with a divorce.... you think you've lost out in the past, what till she takes you to the cleaners for the rest of your life! Get a good lawyer! Good luck!!! g"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites DavidB 0 #12 August 18, 2008 Might I suggest you talk to a divorce lawyer BEFORE confronting your other half, especially if there is a child involved? No matter how bad she may be, her lawyer WILL make it worse if you don't proceed with due caution!When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Shell666 0 #13 August 18, 2008 What David B said ... and I'd be careful what you post here. It may come back to bite you in the ass. AND Good luck to you. My brother is going through something similar. 'Shell Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites grimmie 186 #14 August 18, 2008 Forget the lawyer. It's time for a "boating accident"... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites bloody_trauma 2 #15 August 18, 2008 Quote If your first instinct is to bail out rather than putting a lot of effort into saving your marriage, you're being a little hasty.... and that speaks volumes regarding your character. you know this isnt a switch i just flipped on, i've tried to make it work, but i'm through being miserable... as far as my character goes, you don't know me well enough to make that judgement, I've made more sacrifices in my short 26 years on this earth, than most people ever will... I don't think this is going to be a crazy divorce, more civil i think, i don't really want any of the stuff i have, maybe the TV, my cedar chest, and some other stuff, the cars are both in my name, but for all i care she can take my hybrid... just want outFly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites porpoishead 8 #16 August 18, 2008 just beat her, she'll act right if you want a friend feed any animal Perry Farrell Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites LuckyMcSwervy 0 #17 August 18, 2008 QuoteMight I suggest you talk to a divorce lawyer BEFORE confronting your other half, especially if there is a child involved? No matter how bad she may be, her lawyer WILL make it worse if you don't proceed with due caution! I totally agree. Consult an attorney before you confront her, you'll have a better idea where you stand with everything. Personally, I would take pictures of the domestic conditions, take pics of your child, etc., keep them somewhere she can't access them. I see you're in the military? Isn't there someone on base or some kind of social worker who probably has experience with these types of domestic issues? I remember when I was going through my separation and divorce, I belonged to a betrayed spouses message board. There were some military wives and husbands who spoke of some kind of assistance. Whatever happens, stay strong. It sounds like you've already made up your mind, but remember to take the high road so she doesn't try to stick it up your ass later.Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites ghost47 18 #18 August 19, 2008 Quotescheduled for this thursday. i'm unsure if it should just be me going or both of us... shes going to be devastated when i come full out on this... i've told her that i am unhappy, and that i'm just not feeling it anymore, but thats about the gist of it, tonight im going to sit her down and tell her all the reasons i no longer want to be married... I would tell her that you've signed up with a marriage counselor and that you'd like her to come with you (if you do want that). Tell her that (as you already have) you're not happy anymore, and not feeling it, but before giving up completely, you'd like to see if things can be made to work, and you think a counselor might help. I'm sure her reaction is going to be to cry, but if she truly wants to stay married, I'd think she'd go with you on Thursday. If she just gets mad, or refuses to go, then I think you've done what you could, and will just have to do what you feel is best for you and your kid. Some relationships are just not fixable, but others might be with some professional help. Good luck! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites bloody_trauma 2 #19 August 19, 2008 i'm not doing anything right now, i just told her how i felt and shes taking it pretty hard, she's never been on her own, so that makes me feel bad, but i know she'll do fine, this is never an easy thing, the biggest thing is i'm doing her a disservice by staying around when i just dont feel it anymore, what good is a marrige if one one you doesnt love the other, and it just seems like this was gona happen whether it was now, or a year from now or whenever. I'm going to inquire about legal seperation tomorrow. Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Beerlight 0 #20 August 19, 2008 She doesn't respect you. How long until she does? Tough decision on your part but I think you've already made it. Go with your gut. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites guppie01 0 #21 August 19, 2008 Good luck again.... this thing is never easy - you've got to do whats right for you.... in the long run it'll be best for both of you! g"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites bloody_trauma 2 #22 August 19, 2008 its hard to imagine life being different, i'm not sure if i can go through with it... i need that counseling... i totally talked myself into it but i want whats best for my son Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. 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Squeak 17 #6 August 18, 2008 Quote 2) My grandparents were married for about 55 years. My grandma was talking to my exgirlfriend one time, and said to her, "you know, people always told us that in marriage there would be hard days. Nobody ever mentioned the hard years." -SDid she mention if the hard years were worth it?You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky) My Life ROCKS! How's yours doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peregrinerose 0 #7 August 18, 2008 Getting her to 'act right'? Damn, that's harsh. You can only change yourself and communicate with her. If you aren't looking at your own actions in the marriage and communicating well with her, you are just as much of the problem as she is. Have you considered marriage counselling? If your first instinct is to bail out rather than putting a lot of effort into saving your marriage, you're being a little hasty.... and that speaks volumes regarding your character. Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nightingale 0 #8 August 18, 2008 Have you tried marriage counseling? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #9 August 18, 2008 scheduled for this thursday. i'm unsure if it should just be me going or both of us... shes going to be devastated when i come full out on this... i've told her that i am unhappy, and that i'm just not feeling it anymore, but thats about the gist of it, tonight im going to sit her down and tell her all the reasons i no longer want to be married... it's just not what i want anymore... and when i say wont get right... i mean just that... i should have seen it coming, shes not very organized, so when i first met her there were clothes and junk stremn all over the floor, literally covering the floor, i wrote it off as they moved in and didnt have a place to put everything... so when i moved into the house with them... same thing the house was always filthy so between the fighting and the state of the house... we left... both of the apartments we lived in were perpetually trashed unless i cleaned it... when i left for basic training, i thoroughly cleaned the house, when i came back it was trashed again... so i cleaned it again... I flew to germany and got us a place while she had movers come and pick our stuff up so she could come join me... the movers refused to enter the property from the stench of cats... so she had to reschedule and when the second set of movers came they refused as well, so they made a deal and my wife and her sister and mom had to carry everything out of the house so the movers could pack it up on the balcony... I left to iraq before my stuff got to germany... when i came home from deployment the house again was trashed and on subsequent deployments upon coming back same thing, and during the time in between whne i was there she would do nothing, just hang out and let stuff pile up... when i want to have friends over i clean the house completely and she just sits around like a deer in the headlights... I've tried to get her to take college courses and she wont cop to it, says she doesnt have time... we dont share any of the same interests, i kayak, i skydive, i hike, i run, I'm active and she just sits around and gets bigger and bigger... her family is fuckin crazy... moms an alcoholic, and everytime she gets drunk she slanders my name, calls me a peice of shit, falls down, busts her head open and doesnt remember shit... two faced bitch... she smoke around my child, demands to hold him when she s drunk and thinks she has some sort of right to my child... her fathers not around but hes a peice of work, always asking me for money and making lewd comments, i'm pretty sure he has AIDS, he shoots dope, and steals shit from people, between the two of them in the past year i've lost at least 1000 dollars due to thier incompetence... at least once a year if not more my wife gets in a wreck... the last time was a rental that got totalled, and she got cited for it and then didnt show up to court, so the cost between the deductable, and the no show, and the removal of the warrant, i almost shit... she doesnt take proper care of her body(hygienically) and those are just the ones to start with, I made a list of things i liked/disliked about her and the dislike is extremely longer than the likes, same thing for reasons to stay/leave, disproportionate on the leave side... i'm sure i have my flaws too but i can't stand it anymore, i dont feel compatible with her, and i'm tired of trying to change her, knowing that you can't people... Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LisaH 0 #10 August 18, 2008 Sounds like she just wants to be taken care of and not put forth any effort towards having a meaningful and successful marraige. Good luck with this.Be yourself! MooOOooOoo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
guppie01 0 #11 August 18, 2008 Wow! I have to agree with Lisa. Be careful with a divorce.... you think you've lost out in the past, what till she takes you to the cleaners for the rest of your life! Get a good lawyer! Good luck!!! g"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DavidB 0 #12 August 18, 2008 Might I suggest you talk to a divorce lawyer BEFORE confronting your other half, especially if there is a child involved? No matter how bad she may be, her lawyer WILL make it worse if you don't proceed with due caution!When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shell666 0 #13 August 18, 2008 What David B said ... and I'd be careful what you post here. It may come back to bite you in the ass. AND Good luck to you. My brother is going through something similar. 'Shell Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grimmie 186 #14 August 18, 2008 Forget the lawyer. It's time for a "boating accident"... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #15 August 18, 2008 Quote If your first instinct is to bail out rather than putting a lot of effort into saving your marriage, you're being a little hasty.... and that speaks volumes regarding your character. you know this isnt a switch i just flipped on, i've tried to make it work, but i'm through being miserable... as far as my character goes, you don't know me well enough to make that judgement, I've made more sacrifices in my short 26 years on this earth, than most people ever will... I don't think this is going to be a crazy divorce, more civil i think, i don't really want any of the stuff i have, maybe the TV, my cedar chest, and some other stuff, the cars are both in my name, but for all i care she can take my hybrid... just want outFly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
porpoishead 8 #16 August 18, 2008 just beat her, she'll act right if you want a friend feed any animal Perry Farrell Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #17 August 18, 2008 QuoteMight I suggest you talk to a divorce lawyer BEFORE confronting your other half, especially if there is a child involved? No matter how bad she may be, her lawyer WILL make it worse if you don't proceed with due caution! I totally agree. Consult an attorney before you confront her, you'll have a better idea where you stand with everything. Personally, I would take pictures of the domestic conditions, take pics of your child, etc., keep them somewhere she can't access them. I see you're in the military? Isn't there someone on base or some kind of social worker who probably has experience with these types of domestic issues? I remember when I was going through my separation and divorce, I belonged to a betrayed spouses message board. There were some military wives and husbands who spoke of some kind of assistance. Whatever happens, stay strong. It sounds like you've already made up your mind, but remember to take the high road so she doesn't try to stick it up your ass later.Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ghost47 18 #18 August 19, 2008 Quotescheduled for this thursday. i'm unsure if it should just be me going or both of us... shes going to be devastated when i come full out on this... i've told her that i am unhappy, and that i'm just not feeling it anymore, but thats about the gist of it, tonight im going to sit her down and tell her all the reasons i no longer want to be married... I would tell her that you've signed up with a marriage counselor and that you'd like her to come with you (if you do want that). Tell her that (as you already have) you're not happy anymore, and not feeling it, but before giving up completely, you'd like to see if things can be made to work, and you think a counselor might help. I'm sure her reaction is going to be to cry, but if she truly wants to stay married, I'd think she'd go with you on Thursday. If she just gets mad, or refuses to go, then I think you've done what you could, and will just have to do what you feel is best for you and your kid. Some relationships are just not fixable, but others might be with some professional help. Good luck! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #19 August 19, 2008 i'm not doing anything right now, i just told her how i felt and shes taking it pretty hard, she's never been on her own, so that makes me feel bad, but i know she'll do fine, this is never an easy thing, the biggest thing is i'm doing her a disservice by staying around when i just dont feel it anymore, what good is a marrige if one one you doesnt love the other, and it just seems like this was gona happen whether it was now, or a year from now or whenever. I'm going to inquire about legal seperation tomorrow. Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beerlight 0 #20 August 19, 2008 She doesn't respect you. How long until she does? Tough decision on your part but I think you've already made it. Go with your gut. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
guppie01 0 #21 August 19, 2008 Good luck again.... this thing is never easy - you've got to do whats right for you.... in the long run it'll be best for both of you! g"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?" Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU OMG, is she okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bloody_trauma 2 #22 August 19, 2008 its hard to imagine life being different, i'm not sure if i can go through with it... i need that counseling... i totally talked myself into it but i want whats best for my son Fly it like you stole it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
