fantomas08 0 #1 August 8, 2009 Simple situation really: a female friend I've had feelings for the last 3 years or so, and we've known each other for 9 years. We're the type of friends that know almost everything about each other, can read each other well, will go see each other at 3am is there's an emergency of some sort, etc. She's been with the same guy for about 5 years, and while she's been mostly happy they've had some rocky times on and off. They were not married, just living together. So, because of my developing feelings as of late, I really considered simply...going all out, telling her how I feel, and seeing her reaction (which, had I said something back then, would've been good...and she probably would've been with me now.) Well we haven't spoken at length for the last 3 months simply because we've busy. I'm job searching, and she's going to school and working full time. Other than a quick phone call or text to say hello, neither had time to talk a lot. Today I stop by her work, since she was working, and I simply wanted to see her. I find out that...a. she's 3 months pregnant and b. they went to the town hall and exchanged vows. Maybe it's a childish reaction, but it hurts like all hell, and I'm pretty much heartbroken. I realize that I missed an opportunity to be with a fantastic girl, that is almost every bit like me in what she wants, what she's looking for in a relationship, etc. Had i said something 3 years ago, i guarantee I would've been married to her by now: back then, there was no child in the making, no marriage plans, nothing. The worst part is? This is the second heartbreak of this magnitude for me, and this one hurts even more. The first was years ago when I meant a woman from another country who was here visiting for a bit. Fell in love, feelings were 1000% mutual, she had to leave due to visa issues, found out through a 3rd party that she was engaged to be married. Broke my heart once. This situation? Broke my heart again...even moreso, because I realize what a great fit my friend would be for me, how I would be a great fit for her, and what I missed. This one hurts...a lot. ps. If anyone suspects who I am, i would appreciate not letting the cat out of the bag. I'd also appreciate serious comments rather then wiseass skydiver-typical remarks but i realize that's probably impossible. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nataly 38 #2 August 8, 2009 Ok first of all, I have suspicions of who you might be, but for the purposes of this thread, I will take what you say at face value. 1 - My sympathies really go out to you.. Feeling heartbroken is painful regardless of circumstances. 2 - If it didn't happen for all this time, perhaps it wasn't meant to be. I'm sure that doesn't make you feel any better, but there is a very slim chance that some day you'll see this and it just *might* make things kind of ok. 3 - Whatever you do to mourn your "loss" is right for you, so just ignore anyone who judges by making comments like "you should be over it by now", or "shut up about it already".. Although in fairness, when I was feeling in a total rut Andy908 pretty much told me to "shut up already", and ironically enough it's just the kick in the ass I needed to stop feeling so sorry for myself!! Dunno.. Do what feels right for you. Maybe try writing everything down on paper? For fuck's sake, though, don't write an email - it's too tempting to send Good luck, and keep your chin up.. "There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse." - Chris Hadfield « Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. » - my boss Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
warpedskydiver 0 #3 August 8, 2009 Live on and remain friends, things happen. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fantomas08 0 #4 August 8, 2009 QuoteLive on and remain friends, things happen. That's a lot easier said then done. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #5 August 8, 2009 I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish I could just give you a big hug and tell you everything's going to be okay. How do I deal with heartbreak? Please don't think I'm being a smartass but the last time I had a parting of ways with someone I was seeing, I found the best way to "get over" them (I wasn't in love with them or anything like that - just very casual, more companionship than anything) was to "get under someone else". Worked like a freakin' charm - the sexy times were great. Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #6 August 8, 2009 QuoteQuoteLive on and remain friends, things happen. That's a lot easier said then done. Do you think she knows how you *really* feel about her??Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fantomas08 0 #7 August 9, 2009 QuoteQuoteQuoteLive on and remain friends, things happen. That's a lot easier said then done. Do you think she knows how you *really* feel about her?? she might suspect it but doubt she knows how I really feel about her Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #8 August 9, 2009 QuoteQuoteQuoteQuoteLive on and remain friends, things happen. That's a lot easier said then done. Do you think she knows how you *really* feel about her?? she might suspect it but doubt she knows how I really feel about her Is she really happy or did they just get married because she's pregnant?Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fantomas08 0 #9 August 9, 2009 QuoteQuoteQuoteQuoteQuoteLive on and remain friends, things happen. That's a lot easier said then done. Do you think she knows how you *really* feel about her?? she might suspect it but doubt she knows how I really feel about her Is she really happy or did they just get married because she's pregnant? happy aboutthe baby but getting married wasn't that important to her. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
d_squared431 0 #10 August 9, 2009 I am sorry you are going through this and you will think I am mean but damn dude, move on! Stop whining about a girl you never had anything with besides a friendship. Be a man for once and tell her how you feel. Sometimes feelings are not mutual, sometimes they are. I can tell you, you will not get anywhere by posting about this here.TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1 I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fantomas08 0 #11 August 9, 2009 QuoteI am sorry you are going through this and you will think I am mean but damn dude, move on! Stop whining about a girl you never had anything with besides a friendship. Be a man for once and tell her how you feel. Sometimes feelings are not mutual, sometimes they are. I can tell you, you will not get anywhere by posting about this here. I don't think you're being mean ...just honest But....what's the point of telling her NOW? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
d_squared431 0 #12 August 9, 2009 The point would be you can move on and heal. You will never get to that point unless you face your feelings and get them out in the open. How else are you going to give all of your heart the someone else when the time comes.TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1 I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fantomas08 0 #13 August 9, 2009 QuoteThe point would be you can move on and heal. You will never get to that point unless you face your feelings and get them out in the open. How else are you going to give all of your heart the someone else when the time comes. even at the risk of altering or ruining our friendship? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nanook 1 #14 August 9, 2009 Quoteeven at the risk of altering or ruining our friendship? Your friendship has been altered the moment you have fallen in love with her. I hate the be the bearer of things you may not want to hear, but her issues are way more problemsome and important than your simple loss of love. She's going to be a mom and she's gonna be married. Her emotions shes experiencing is more legitimate than yours. Professing your love to help yourself will not contribute to her future and is a very selfish and wrong. So. . .you have a choice here. You can rise above what is really a one-sided feeling and support her, or you can move on. Either way, It's way too late to profess your crush. The other guy was more important to her emotionally. He took her out, had a relationship, had sex, broke up and got back together with her, ect. ect. He put up the effort and he went forward with it. He deserves her more than you do. Whether she deserves him is an opinion best left up to her. You screwed the pooch, brother. Live with it and move on. You deserve this pain. I don't wish this on you, but you deserve it. A lot of us guys have fucked up like this. You are not alone._____________________________ "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #15 August 9, 2009 Quote even at the risk of altering or ruining our friendship? How about talking with a therapist so a professional can help you come to an informed decision? Maybe a therapist can help you with feelings or issues that you haven't shared or maybe you're not even aware of yet... I don't know what else to tell you. Cyndi (ILuvToFly) had a good point in the "Unrequited Love" thread and I agreed with her... She said, "I would rather have their friendship then risk trying for more and ruining everything." Since marriage wasn't a primary issue for her, who knows, maybe it won't work out and you'll get your chance down the road. But please make sure you live your life, don't wait around... If you were a girl I would tell you "Don't waste the pretty". Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
npgraphicdesign 3 #16 August 9, 2009 Quote Quote even at the risk of altering or ruining our friendship? How about talking with a therapist so a professional can help you come to an informed decision? Maybe a therapist can help you with feelings or issues that you haven't shared or maybe you're not even aware of yet... I don't know what else to tell you. Cyndi (ILuvToFly) had a good point in the "Unrequited Love" thread and I agreed with her... She said, "I would rather have their friendship then risk trying for more and ruining everything." Since marriage wasn't a primary issue for her, who knows, maybe it won't work out and you'll get your chance down the road. But please make sure you live your life, don't wait around... If you were a girl I would tell you "Don't waste the pretty". Well I'm not planning on sitting around and having life pass me by.I don't need a therapist to desk with it m, and I'll get over it. It's just at this point, it's painful. And regarding your 'pretty' comment, i am a handsome guy. Can I just 'not waste the handsome'? ;) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #17 August 9, 2009 1) You are nuts posting here. No offense to any one here but this is a very tough crowd to discuss such matters. 2) Love is like an addiction, it's purely chemical and at best you have minimal control over it. And unlike heroin it's not as if you were the one that struck your vain it was just the hand you were dealt. She was there you were there her chemicals got under you skin and the next thing you knew your brain was working out amazing story lines of the perfect life. So.....I'm sorry to say this to you my friend you are a junky. And there isn't much you can do about it. Either you find a way to get your fix....which in this case isn't going to happen or you can try and find another drug to replace it. And no time won't save you. Trust me I know, I once fell in love with this girl....god she was and is gorgeous. She had my heart, we dated for a few months and I had to leave the country. 6 months ago we bumped into each other in face book after not seeing each other for about 13 years....we are thousands of miles away but there we were...long story short it didn't go anywhere but all of the feeling and all of the high came back. Not fun! So are you screwed? I think we are all screwed. But life as always goes on, you will find a new drug a new addiction and who knows maybe the next one will work out? Till then enjoy the video http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html Till then my suggestion, get out! Nothing worse than having that super computer of your trying to work out the probability of things some how some way working out. Get up, get dressed, call a few friends and get out! There is no way you as an individual can kick this addiction. You need to get out and introduce new chemicals into your blood stream and eventually one will work.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
npgraphicdesign 3 #18 August 9, 2009 Shah I couldn't care less about the toughness of this crowd. Afterall it is an online forum, and anything I hear will be taken with a lot of salt grains. It's interesting to get different opinions regardless of whether they're positive or negative. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #19 August 9, 2009 Yeah but some times, a kind word, a bit of empathy and sympathy can go a lot further than a terse comment. We are all human we all want to love and be loved back. For some it comes easy, for others.........they have to bleed for every ounce.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
npgraphicdesign 3 #20 August 9, 2009 QuoteYeah but some times, a kind word, a bit of empathy and sympathy can go a lot further than a terse comment. We are all human we all want to love and be loved back. For some it comes easy, for others.........they have to bleed for every ounce. true....and i appreciate the kind words. If people want to be rude, I can handle it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #21 August 9, 2009 Enjoy the video...it's actually very good.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
warpedskydiver 0 #22 August 9, 2009 Quote Quote Live on and remain friends, things happen. That's a lot easier said then done. Tell me about it, I have lived it.You are not the only one in this universe. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
warpedskydiver 0 #23 August 9, 2009 Quote I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish I could just give you a big hug and tell you everything's going to be okay. How do I deal with heartbreak? Please don't think I'm being a smartass but the last time I had a parting of ways with someone I was seeing, I found the best way to "get over" them (I wasn't in love with them or anything like that - just very casual, more companionship than anything) was to "get under someone else". Worked like a freakin' charm - the sexy times were great. So you did Borat? Holy shit Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pontiacgtp00 0 #24 August 9, 2009 Quote Till then enjoy the video http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html Watched it all the way through, good video. It's great when all the magical mysteries of the way we function are unraveled. Everything in this universe can be explained. All I can say to the OP...people come...people go. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
davjohns 1 #25 August 9, 2009 My personal rule is to not interfere with someone else's relationship. In keeping with that rule, I would not tell her. If you can't do that, you might want to walk away. You said you didn't talk for three months. Go another three months. Then another. Learn from your mistake and don't let the next one slip through your fingers. There will be another one. As for dealing with heartache? No cure. You can only treat the symptoms. Get out. Have fun with friends. Even though you don't feel like it. Once you are out doing things, you will get distracted. Eventually, you will feel better. Sorry I can't offer more than that. And I'm glad the forum treated this issue respectfully.I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet.. But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
