The Lawnmower

[BillyVance 35]

Divot says this came off a hunting site he's a member of. Don't know if it's true. Some people have a sick sense of humor. Thanks Divot.

"THE LAWNMOWER"


We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all...

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let it die... Pleeeeaze let it die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow...

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[MikeJD 0]

Yep, I reckon that's all completely true.

[Misternatural 0]

HEHEHE

that was funny man, and did I ever need a laugh this morning....I have two plug in electric fence chargers for livestock- and after reading this story I would like to hook them up to some town officials here.
"What? whats that? I can't understand you- oh , oh the electricity is bothering you? yeah I'll unplug it for you.......AFTER LUNCH!!! HAHAHAHHA."

Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires.
D S #3.1415

[DJL 235]

Quote

HEHEHE

that was funny man, and did I ever need a laugh this morning....I have two plug in electric fence chargers for livestock- and after reading this story I would like to hook them up to some town officials here.
"What? whats that? I can't understand you- oh , oh the electricity is bothering you? yeah I'll unplug it for you.......AFTER LUNCH!!! HAHAHAHHA."

I use those solar zappers for sheep fencing; it just gives a little bee-sting of a hit when you're touching the fence. What's misleading is that the juice across the terminals is still enough for a good wallop and well...I didn't have a voltmeter and was trying to figure out where the short was...

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[Misternatural 0]

Hey boss
Wazzup-

Some of us are driving up to VSA in West Addison tomorrow.... it's Freefly Fridays up there and should be NICE!!- take the day off.....then we can all have a few beers an pee on the electric donkey fence there and place bets on who lights up first -women included.

Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires.
D S #3.1415

[DJL 235]

Quote

Hey boss
Wazzup-

Some of us are driving up to VSA in West Addison tomorrow.... it's Freefly Fridays up there and should be NICE!!- take the day off.....then we can all have a few beers an pee on the electric donkey fence there and place bets on who lights up first -women included.

I'd take you up on that but my gear is down at Jumptown right now. I'm still taking the day off. I'd like to get out there. I imagine you can see Champlain from freefall? Too cool.

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[Misternatural 0]

>I imagine you can see Champlain from freefall


Hell yeah!!! we get out practically right over it!!!

See ya all at JT someday then.

Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires.
D S #3.1415

[k-dubjumps 0]

Quote

The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now

Adrenaline is my crack

DPH #3
D.S. #16 FAG #12 Muff Brother #4406

[MaVriK 0]

hahaha HELLUVA story there mate! glad ya finally let go!

~MaVriK~
"The Greatest Accomplishment in life is actually Living it"