The man/woman of your dreams who turns into a monster..

[Nataly 38]

Some of the discussions (on here and at work) have made me think lately...

I've always found it odd when someone has absolutely nothing but bad things to say about an ex they were with for a very long time. I'm not talking weeks or months here, but *years*.. It just makes me wonder.. If he/she was such a monumental a-hole, why were you with him/her for so long???

It doesn't make sense to me.. The men I dated were almost all incredibly amazing people. There is only one exception, and I broke up with him because I found him rude and inconsiderate. But I still think he had *some* qualities - why else was I attracted to him in the first place??

Is it because the person hurt you so deeply that you can only remember the bad stuff?? What is it?? Could anyone explain or postulate??

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[xtravrtsoul 0]

When there is a break up and even after, everyone seems to only remember the crappy sides of the ex. Absolutley there was something that brought them together at that time and then grow apart for many reasons. Then the break up itself being it divorce or the break up of a boyfriend and girlfriend thing brings the ugly out in many people from hurt, anger, fear, and so on. And some don't let that go. Too bad.

I tend to be one to be friends with my ex's. But my last one was really a monster!! And I have the police reports what he did to me to prove it. But I can look at the side of the coin and see what he helped me learn about myself during our long relationship. It made me a stronger person and I have thanked him for that. He is still a douche bag (he and his/my son no longer speak to each other do to his dumb ass issues) and I will not be able to even be in the same 1 mile radius of him.

You create life, life does not create you.

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

Many times the monstrosity is very carefully concealed. Keep in mind that Ted Bundy (serial killer) was a very charming guy.

Other times the person has a bad case of selective perception and doesn't see how monstrous the "dream fulfiller" really is. How many times have any of us said "What can he possible see in her???" Or "Can't she see that he's a total asshole??"

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[Misternatural 0]

interesting.....I think that the throwing of another person under the bus so to speak is what some people think of as a good way to simply discredit that person, it's a form of revenge, much of the negative info is exaggerated. It's largely passive aggressive behavior- the result of getting burned somehow as you surmised.

BTW I never heard someone say "Monumental A hole" BwAHAA that's is so adorably polite.

Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires.
D S #3.1415

[shah269 0]

I don't know of any x wives who speak highly of their x husbands. He was a dog this he was a fat pig that.
I don't know if it's any different with guys. We tend to talk less about our X's. I know I do even though most of my relationships ended quietly and with out too much drama.

People are people I guess, we all have our good sides and we all have our bad sides and depending on what lens is used different sides become more visible?

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[Nataly 38]

I believe you're positively the first person to accuse me of being polite

I'm sorry to say, but I agree with what you're saying about the passive-aggressive bit.. It seems a pretty spiteful thing to completely write someone off. Especially if you cared about this person.. I can sort-of imagine that it could come out of having been hurt, but I still don't understand..

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[xtravrtsoul 0]

Quote

Many times the monstrosity is very carefully concealed. Keep in mind that Ted Bundy (serial killer) was a very charming guy.

Other times the person has a bad case of selective perception and doesn't see how monstrous the "dream fulfiller" really is. How many times have any of us said "What can he possible see in her???" Or "Can't she see that he's a total asshole??"

I hate to sat this but my monster ex was a charmer too. Scary. What he did to me could have gone really bad if I had not been strong enough to get the police involved. But yep a charmer.
Not trying to say anyone with a charm is a monster but there is a type of charmer (I know it well and can see and smell it a mile away) that are the sociopaths. Sp?

You create life, life does not create you.

[Nataly 38]

See, but I think maybe you're talking about something a bit different.. You've just told me your ex was a charmer. That alone is an obvious reason you would have cared for him. If he turned out to be manipulative/abusive, well, that's a horrible attribute that can in many ways override the positive feelings you once had for him.

You haven't really fallen into the category of people who have *nothing* good to say about their ex - you've just said he was a charmer.. So maybe there was a whole ugly side of him you didn't see at first, but it doesn't seem like you're dismissing him 100%.. Am I making sense??

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[downwardspiral 0]

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Is it because the person hurt you so deeply that you can only remember the bad stuff?? What is it?? Could anyone explain or postulate??

I'd take it to mean they're not over their ex yet.

www.FourWheelerHB.com

[wmw999 2,589]

Here's an ex wife who speaks highly of her ex husband. Obviously he wasn't perfect for me, but he has a whole lot of admirable qualities. We just spoke yesterday.

I'd hope I wouldn't have such awful taste as to select someone with no redeeming features. I might have picked the wrong features to focus on.

But unless it's someone who changed dramatically (e.g. became an addict) or who was, in fact, a sociable psychopath (really quite rare), the good qualities probably didn't go away with the breakup.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Nataly 38]

Quote

I don't know of any x wives who speak highly of their x husbands. He was a dog this he was a fat pig that.
I don't know if it's any different with guys. We tend to talk less about our X's. I know I do even though most of my relationships ended quietly and with out too much drama.

Umm.. Can't say I agree with you on this.. I know plenty of men who call their ex wives "that bitch" or "that whore" or "that gold-digger" etc., etc.. I also know women who keep apologising for their jerk ex-boyfriends because "he was confused" or "he was going through a rough time" etc..

I'm not sure either sex has the monopoly on saying nasty things about their ex..

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[ryoder 1,590]

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If he/she was such a monumental a-hole, why were you with him/her for so long???

If you are a chick, it is because you thought you could change him.

If you are a guy, it's because she was hot.

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Nataly 38]

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If he/she was such a monumental a-hole, why were you with him/her for so long???

If you are a chick, it is because you thought you could change him.

If you are a guy, it's because she was hot.

Ok.. This isn't exactly a serious response, but funny as it is (I certainly laughed out loud!!) I think you might have something here!!

So what you're saying is you imagined qualities because of some impression the person made on you?! But would a relationship based only on this last years?? Seems unlikely..

(Point for making me laugh, anyway )

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[bluepill 0]

There are probably a whole lot of different reasons all mashed in together:

By not having anything good to say about an ex it may make you feel better and convince yourself and others that they were no good for you.

It's kind of like implying that you seen them for what they really are and that your now wiser. And it's also washing your own hands of any resposibility of the failure of the relationship.

Sometimes it's simply about anger, rejection and pain and trying to regain some self worth... Which can be easier to do by blaming it all on the ex.

Personally, I'm with you... I don't have all bad things to say about exes... Although that may change in a few months when the divorce papers come through.

BP

[xtravrtsoul 0]

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See, but I think maybe you're talking about something a bit different.. You've just told me your ex was a charmer. That alone is an obvious reason you would have cared for him. If he turned out to be manipulative/abusive, well, that's a horrible attribute that can in many ways override the positive feelings you once had for him.

You haven't really fallen into the category of people who have *nothing* good to say about their ex - you've just said he was a charmer.. So maybe there was a whole ugly side of him you didn't see at first, but it doesn't seem like you're dismissing him 100%.. Am I making sense??

No I am not dismissing him 100% because if it was not for him I would not have got through my codependent issues or even seen I had these issues.
He was a charmer and fantastic in bed (lol, that would be one reason why I liked him for sure). That was the good part. He can be a good guy if he let himself be but he has that dark side to him. He was a big part of my life and once I knew he was the type of guy he was, it was my own dumbass that stuck it out and then some. Fear of not being able to take care of myself.
I guess I am saying, most speak ill of there ex's because they don't admit to who they are and what they themselves brought to the table of the relationship. It takes someone to be true to themselves to know it was not just the other person's issues that caused a break up; it was their own as well. Owning up and being responsible for their own actions. So, they just blame other.

My situation was not my fault of how he treated me but because of my own issues, I let it get as far as it did. If I were a stronger person at the time, I would have left him long before.

You create life, life does not create you.

[Nataly 38]

xtravsoul: Wow.. That has just given me such a different perspective, thank you for sharing.

BP: Sorry to hear about the divorce.. That's painful and upsetting no matter how amicable the split was..

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[tigra 0]

Maybe its as simple as the person needing to remind him or herself why he or she can't go back. If you say it out loud often enough, maybe you'll convince yourself too? I don't know- I have always managed to stay friends with my exes and I don't talk sh*t about them, especially when there are mutual friends involved. Why drag them into your breakup drama?

[Nightingale 0]

It doesn't make sense to me either. All of my ex boyfriends were wonderful people. We just weren't wonderful together for one reason or another. I wish all of them the best, and I really hope that they find happiness.

[Nataly 38]

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It doesn't make sense to me either. All of my ex boyfriends were wonderful people. We just weren't wonderful together for one reason or another. I wish all of them the best, and I really hope that they find happiness.

I feel pretty much the same. You know.. Over time, you get to know someone, and you may find that for one reason or another they're not quite what you expected.. Some surprise you and amaze you in ways you never imagine; some disappoint far more than you thought possible.. But it's all part of the journey.. If in getting to know someone you realise you don't work well together, it doesn't make the other person "bad" in my book.. Just not the right person for me.

I have to say - I really admire people who stay friends with exes. I still haven't managed to retain any exes as friends. None of them are "enemies" - I just haven't kept in touch with any of them.. To be fair, I'm generally pretty bad at keeping in touch anyway..

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[Snowwhite 0]

Quote

Quote

If he/she was such a monumental a-hole, why were you with him/her for so long???

If you are a chick, it is because you thought you could change him.

If you are a guy, it's because she was hot. enough to have sex with until someone hotter came along or until he sobered up

There, fixed it for you

skydiveTaylorville.org
freefallbeth@yahoo.com

[Nightingale 0]

One of my exes is one of my closest friends, but he and I were good friends before we started dating. We broke up, he went to boot camp, and when he came back, we were able to be friends. I think this was for a couple of reasons:

1. We had a really strong friendship beforehand.
2. We already knew how to be "just friends"; we'd done it for years.
3. His boot camp gave us some time and distance to heal from the hurt feelings and to realize that while we weren't "in love" anymore, if we ever were, we did love each other and genuinely missed our friendship.

[LyraM45 0]

Quote

Some of the discussions (on here and at work) have made me think lately...

I've always found it odd when someone has absolutely nothing but bad things to say about an ex they were with for a very long time. I'm not talking weeks or months here, but *years*.. It just makes me wonder.. If he/she was such a monumental a-hole, why were you with him/her for so long???

It doesn't make sense to me.. The men I dated were almost all incredibly amazing people. There is only one exception, and I broke up with him because I found him rude and inconsiderate. But I still think he had *some* qualities - why else was I attracted to him in the first place??

Is it because the person hurt you so deeply that you can only remember the bad stuff?? What is it?? Could anyone explain or postulate??

The first man I ever really felt I could say I was "in love" with did exactly this to me. I am a pretty strong girl. Strong enough to keep up with the boys and smart enough to not let a guy in that I know is going to crap on me, hence why it wasn't until I was 22 until I met and felt for said man above. So, he met me at a boogie while he was in the states on vacay from overseas. Text book perfect. Text book prince charming. Was too good to be true until I went to stay with him over the summer between semesters. The second I got off of the plane, it was somebody I didn't know. He became very verbally and emotionally abusive, and it started almost the moment he picked me up at the airport. Just like he knew he had me trapped over there, 5000 miles from home, and he flipped the prince charming switch off and showed his true colors.

So, anywho... I remember the good stuff, the price charming stuff, which is what really makes me miss him in a way. At the same time, I remember the bad stuff and also remember that I was extremely hurt and troubled by my experience with this man. It was the first and only time I was ever that wrong about somebody. They put on such a good act and I was really mad at myself or a long time that I didn't see through that. It is the only man that I have ever dated in my entire adult life that I am not now good friends with. All of my ex SO's became people that I can talk to and go out and catch up with without it being weird. I love being able to do that. I don't like it when things are weird between people or when there is friction. I guess I am a natural libra when it comes to that stuff.

This wasn't a terribly long situation, about 6 months, so that is a little aside from what the OP was asking for. I am glad I had the experience to learn from and grow from, and it's silly to say I should thank him for that, but at the same time, yea-- no so much.

Apologies for the spelling (and grammar).... I got a B.S, not a B.A. :)

[skyrider 0]

Even the worse I have been with, (she cheated on me with 7 of my friends while I was doing 30 days in jail) ((another story)) I still after a few weeks to calm down, remained friends with, and still am to this day!

Hell we were young, harmons were going nuts, it was the 70's and everyone was fucking everyone anyway...

[cocheese 0]

Love can distort perception. Take away the love, then the reality appears to be undesirable.
Unconditional love overrides reality in order to perpetuate itself.

Cut me off.

[CSpenceFLY 1]

Just remember,male or female, no matter how hot they are someone somewhere is sick of their shit.