Long-distance relationships?

[npgraphicdesign 3]

How many of you have tried it? I know it takes very special circumstances to make it work, certain types of people, etc...but how were you able to do it, how long was the distance, etc?

[NWFlyer 2]

About 800 miles, for 3+ years.

How we were able to do it... I'm not quite sure, thinking back on that time (we've lived in the same city for about 1 1/2 years now)... but I know a bunch of things worked in our favor.

1) Both of us could afford to travel with reasonable frequency (averaged out to about 1x/month, sometimes more frequent, sometimes less frequent), and I even had jobs that could flexibly be done in remote locations as needed, which gave even more flexibility in traveling. Helped that we were in the same time zone and a 2 hour flight - it made weekend trips easy and practical. We'd also do a lot of trips where we'd both fly somewhere else and meet there.

2) We were and are very independent people with our own very well-established lives. When you don't see someone for weeks at a time, your life and their life have to go on. Yes, we missed each other and enjoyed the time we spent together, but our lives didn't get put "on hold" when we weren't together.

3) What comes out of #2 is that you have to have trust. You can't wonder what the person is doing all the time or who they're doing it with. You aren't going to know. Not that you really should have an expectation of knowing when you live in the same place, but somehow the natural rhythms of life fall closer together when you live nearby. Doesn't mean we didn't talk/e-mail and share the happenings in our life, it just meant that there was no expectation of knowing every detail of every day.

4) When communication breaks down, it can break down hard ... and you have to be grown-up enough to confront it. You have to be able to pick up the phone and say "I'm [sad/angry/confused/frustrated/whatever] and here's why." There's no room for passive-aggressive games ... and when you can't always see the other person and read their face/body language, you have to be willing to be a bit more straightforward in your verbal communication because in between visits, that's all you've got.

5) And I think this is most important ... lack of drama. Our relationship is on a pretty even keel. We don't do big fights and dramatic breakup/makeup cycles, we don't play petty games, we don't measure love through possessiveness or jealousy or any kind of public drama. From an outsider's perspective it probably looks pretty boring, but it's really just being mature and respectful of each other and the relationship and not sweating the rest of it. I can flirt and joke around with other men, he can flirt and joke around with other women, as long as we don't disrespect each other or the relationship. And there's never been any debate over those boundaries, because neither one of us has ever felt the need to test/push those boundaries for validation of ourselves or of the relationship.

Come to think of it, most of these have very little to do with a successful long-distance relationship. They're more what makes a successful relationship, at least it's what works for mine.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[JerryBaumchen 1,450]

Hi np,

6,000 + miles

2 1/2 yrs

In the end it just could not work.

JerryBaumchen

[Nataly 38]

I'm currently in a distance relationship.. We skype a lot..

I guess the down side is that I really miss the physical intimacy.. Meeting up every other weekend just never seems like enough.. The plus side is that I feel like we talk more than if we lived together - precisely to make up for the lack of physical contact.. I think a lot of times when you live with someone you snuggle up to them when you're upset (for example), but you don't talk about it.. It can mean that you feel really close, but in fact you don't know about your partner's ups and downs as much as you think you do.

But it's tough.. The distance makes me feel less close to him. It *seems* like I know him less because I always see/talk to him in the same context (ie: not out and about & with friends & during different social situations). I don't know if it'll work.. Certainly I think it will eventually just become a friendship if neither one of us is able to move to be with the other..

I'm not sure I'm the best example, though, because I'm not sure how strong our connection is - it's still very early days..

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[lawrocket 3]

3000 miles. Every 4-6 weeks.

First, let me say that NW had some damned good things.

Second, with regard to intimacy, it is more intimate to me in the sense that I am far more protective of my personal feelings and thoughts than anything. I can talk WITH her - a person with whom I fell in love from the inside out.

Physical intimacy can often times get in the way. Can I talk to this person? Yes. And when I'm with her, we talk. Sometimes we don't need to say anything.

It's tough. Both sides really need to have their shit together to make it work. I know it's only temporary. She's worth it to me.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[jimjumper 25]

Me and my then fiance did it for 3 years. 2 with her in Cali and me in Okinawa and then me 1 year in New Jersey. We got married at the end of the 2 years but didn't live together till the end of 3. Make the most of any time you get together. (I flew home for 10 days every 6 months). Unlimited long distance helps a lot as does internet contact and sending each other little stuff by snail mail. We also tried to make some trips special by going to places besides home. We just celebrated our 14 anniversary! It can be done!

[JohnMitchell 16]

Quote

There's no room for passive-aggressive games ...

we don't play petty games, we don't measure love through possessiveness or jealousy or any kind of public drama.

They're more what makes a successful relationship, at least it's what works for mine.

Absolutely. And once you reach the point you're in a real relationship, and all the games fall away, it's breath taking.

For Vskydiver and me, we spent 3 months apart while engaged, and 1 month apart while married. Both times were for FAA training. No worries.

[godfrog 2]

My whole life has been a long distance relationship. my job requires me to spend vast amounts of time away.
I have gone through many relationships, and my current on is a little rocky.
I've tried to stay home and work but the $$ just aren't there. Rock and a hard spot!
To get through a long distance relation ship it takes 2 very special people.

Experience is a difficult teacher, she gives you the test first and the lesson afterward

[peachsouthern 0]

My husband and I did the long distant thing for about a year and a half. He was in Michigan and I in NY. Like everyone else has said, it is not easy at times and takes a lot of trust. The best thing that came out of it is we have a deeper understanding and foundation in our relationship than most of my friends relationships.

We bought the book IF....it is a book of questions and situations. There are many different series of IF. We would spend hours on the phone together just asking questions. I really feel that because we were able to establish such a strong non-physical relationship, we can get threw anything. Good luck with it!

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein