Jokes

[Niki1 2]

Quote

Two guys walk into a bar... The third one ducks.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

Two electrons come out of a bar. One says, "Hey! I left my wallet in there." The other electron says, "Are you sure?" The first electron says, "Yes. I'm positeve."

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[Shell666 0]

A man was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

He went back to packing, looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

'Shell

[rehmwa 2]

an electron is negative

Two hydrogen atoms come out of a bar. One says, "Hey! I left my electron in there." The other atoms says, "Are you sure?" The first one replies, "Yes. I'm positeve."

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[Niki1 2]

Quote

an electron is negative

Two hydrogen atoms come out of a bar. One says, "Hey! I left my electron in there." The other atoms says, "Are you sure?" The first one replies, "Yes. I'm positeve."

DAMN!! I heard that joke on NPR and saw it again on a list of MENSA jokes. (I don't need to tell you I'm not a member

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[Niki1 2]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands'.
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[happythoughts 0]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

[jono 0]

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that ...."

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

This guy decides to go to the zoo one day. But when he gets there, it's just one dog.






It was a shitzu.

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at the party they were at the night before.

1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!

3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!

1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[Squeak 17]

Quote

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that ...."

side splitting

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[airtwardo 7]

Difference between a porcupine and a Porshe?




Porcupine has the prick on the OUTSIDE....

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[jono 0]

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

Should I keep going or is that enough??

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[airtwardo 7]

Quote

Should I keep going or is that enough??

yes

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[JohnnyMarko 1]

What is Terri Schiavo's favorite cereal?






LIFE

[CMiller 1]

A blonde walks into a bank in Manhattan. She goes to the teller and asks "Can I take out a loan for 2 thousand dollars? I'm going to Europe for two weeks."

The teller says 'Do you have an account at this bank?" The blonde replies, "No, I don't".

"Okay," says the teller, "Do you have any ID?" Again the blonde replies "No I don't." The teller then tells the Blonde she won;t be able to take out a loan. The blonde asks for the manager.

The manager asks her the same set of questions, to which the blonde answers the same way.

"Tell me then," he says, "Why should I just give you 2 grand?"

"Well, I have a ferrari I can put up as collateral"

This intrigued the manager, so the blonde walked him outside and showed him her new bright red ferrari parked on the curb.

"Wow, that's got to be a $250,000 car!" said the manager. "Of course you can put that as collateral!"

The manager takes the ferrari, drives it into the lot underneath the bank, and give the blonde the loan.

2 Weeks later the Blonde comes back and repays the loan in full, with interest running to about 16 dollars. The bank manager then opens the lot and drives her car out for her, and as she is about to leave, asks her:

"You know, we ran the plate on that car, and it turns out you and your husband are Rich! Why on Earth would you need to take out a loan for 2 grand with all the money you had?"

"Where else could I park my Ferrari for 2 weeks for 16 bucks in Manhattan?"

[Nataly 38]

Quote

How to Make a Woman Happy

Sounds about right!

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[Jumpdude 0]

What is America's number one sexual deterrent food product?
















Wedding Cake!!!

Refuse to Lose!!!
Failure is NOT an option!
1800skyrideripoff.com
Nashvilleskydiving.org

[jono 0]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.


Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'


THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'



IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE ....

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"


"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.


"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

A bit of Aussie humour here.....

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga
is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on
the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling
down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do
before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves
to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot
water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steak or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.
The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do
is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own
cartridges they come in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo
shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not
like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been
beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across
the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the
other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.








Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[happythoughts 0]

Quote

Please tell me your best joke. Ive been challenged to a joke-off and need some new material. Thanks .

You're sure they said "joke", right?

[Nataly 38]

Quote

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Ha ha!! Thought it was funny the whole way through but laughed OUT LOUD at the punch-line!! Good one!

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss