Advice and Thoughts on Living with the GF

[jtnesbitt 0]

So i have always been a very independent person and very big on personal space. That doesnt mean you cant get in my bubble, it just means i need a couple hours out of the day to just think.

Anyway, my girlfriend moved in with me about 9 months ago. I said this would never happen. I was always big on me having my own space i could retreat to. However, she and her old roomate had a falling out and she moved out fast and moved in with her mom. Well, he mom lives an hour away from me and her school so she started spending a lot of nights with me, then every night, and now essentially lives with me.

I would like to say i am starting to have a problem with it but it is beyond that. I really feel i am almost at the breaking point. I REALLY like this girl. After i broke up with my last Ex i was joking with friends saying I would never have another serious GF because they couldnt meet all the qualities i am looking for. Well this one came along on accident and she is all of those qualities. Unfortunately I feel smothered. She goes to school for premed but doesnt work, so all she does is go to class and study. The problem is she is at my place more than i am, which means if i am there then she is also there. I cant remember the last time I was alone in my own home.

We're not really fighting anymore although we did for a while. I got fed up and told her she wasnt pulling her weight with the chores and she eventually straightened up. I thought this would fix the issue but it hasnt. I just feel trapped, and as much as i hate to admit it, it is causing resentment. I feel like an old pissed off married couple. It is at the point to where I almost cringe when she opens her mouth to talk. My friend made fun of me today because i was bitching about my GF constantly dropping her shit on "my side" of the coffee table. I then had to explain i know coffee tables shouldnt have sides but i got tired of constantly clearing her shit off of it so now i just move it to the side. Anyway, prob a dumb example, but an example none the less.

Some friends has suggested she needs to spend more time with her friends. Well, she doesnt have any. She has one but that one is apperently REALLY good at getting pregnant which keeps her busy as you can imagine. All her friends are my friends. My friends love her and think she is great, which sucks for me because it means she also goes to every social event with me. I told her the other day I was going to be spending a lot more time at the DZ this summer and perhaps even renting a room or buying a camper. She told me the next day because of this she would also be spending her weekends at the DZ doing homework...WTF

So am I crazy? Am i an asshole? I dont want to break up with this girl as she is great, but i am worried if things continue the way they are going that we will break up anyway.

Any outside insight, thoughts, advice would be awesome.

"If this post needs to be moderated I would prefer it to be completly removed and not edited and butchered into a disney movie" - DorkZone Hero

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

Have you talked about this?

Does she know how you feel?

Does she care?
This last one is a very serious question, and probably the most important.

If you need more space than she is willing to give then it isn't going to work.

If you have said that you are going to spend more time at the DZ specifically because you need some "you" time and she says "great, I'll be there with you" then there's a big problem, because she isn't willing to respect your needs.

Good luck.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[tetra316 0]

I think you should print this and give it to her. She may not realize how you feel and that you need some alone time. Not everyone needs alone time so this might not occur to her but you need to talk about it.

[wmw999 2,558]

edit to add: the previous posters pretty much said everything, only shorter

You need more space. Nothing wrong with that -- people have different needs. If your place were big enough, I'd suggest that you have your own room (a man cave, or whatever else you want to call it).

She seems to see togetherness as a sign of closeness, and it's not the same for you.

That's hard when you have different sizes of needs. The only suggestion I have is for you to write down for yourself what you need in order to be happy -- not what you need from her, but what you need (they're different -- e.g. not "I need you to let me have time to myself" but "I need to have 2 hours a day of down time." You'll never get everything on your list (mine includes winning the lotto ), but it starts you at prioritizing, and it can give you a way to start a more productive conversation with her.

If it's about what you need, and not what you need from her, it's a much better conversation -- you're focusing on you, and not on what she's doing wrong. Big, big difference for a lot of people.

BTW -- having both been accused of smothering and having been smothered, this one is a serious toughie. Because it's all about perception. And like feelings, it's hard to say someone is wrong. They are who they are.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[skyrider 0]

Move on...before she ends up Preggers!

tell her she needs to find a place, you are obviously not ment for each other,, or her presence wouldn;t bother you...and I am a person that LOVES my alone time!

OR...Talk to her, tell her you need "Me Time" stop playing games, they lead no where!

BTW, I have been with the same woman 32 years, but she understands leaving me alone sometimes , helps that work!

[jtnesbitt 0]

Yes, and no.

She knew how I felt about marriage before we got together. She also knew how I felt about living together before we did as I was pretty vocal about it.

I think she does care, i just think she is dense sometimes with certain things. I should probably elaborate. She is crazy smart when it comes to science. However, when it comes to "street smarts" or thinking outside the box, or real life problem solving skills, ingenuity, whatever you want to call it, she has none. I see a problem, i confront it, i fix it. She see's a problem and she procrastinates or complains how unfair it is and usually takes the long hard way around to fixing it. Why am I explaining this? Well i think it is part of the issue. I am trying my hardest to be tactful and its just not working.

As far as the DZ goes i didnt tell her it was to get away from her. I said it was because i want to spend more time skydiving which is true.

"If this post needs to be moderated I would prefer it to be completly removed and not edited and butchered into a disney movie" - DorkZone Hero

[OlympiaStoica 0]

Bringing this to the forum instead of talking to her about it - yep, that will "definitely" solve the problem .

O

[skyrider 0]

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Yes, and no.

She knew how I felt about marriage before we got together. She also knew how I felt about living together before we did as I was pretty vocal about it.

I think she does care, i just think she is dense sometimes with certain things. I should probably elaborate. She is crazy smart when it comes to science. However, when it comes to "street smarts" or thinking outside the box, or real life problem solving skills, ingenuity, whatever you want to call it, she has none. I see a problem, i confront it, i fix it. She see's a problem and she procrastinates or complains how unfair it is and usually takes the long hard way around to fixing it. Why am I explaining this? Well i think it is part of the issue. I am trying my hardest to be tactful and its just not working.

As far as the DZ goes i didnt tell her it was to get away from her. I said it was because i want to spend more time skydiving which is true.

Well, sounds like you know what has to be done..SPELL it out to her....worse thing that will happen is she leaves!

[shropshire 0]

Bitching to us (strangers) before talking to her .... way to go man

Seems to me, if'n you can;t talk to her about anything ... you're not right together.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[jtnesbitt 0]

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Bringing this to the forum instead of talking to her about it - yep, that will "definitely" solve the problem .

O

I was asking for advice so i could talk to her about it further...since my previous attempts werent working. Maybe you shouldnt skim things if you plan on commenting.

Edit to add: Since apperently I wasnt clear in the first post I have tried discussing this several times with her. Not the issues as a whole but I address little things as they come up. In case anyone else missed it in my first post i did point i always try to confront problems early on.

So...so sum up AGAIN...for the skimmers....this has been discussed. Nothing changed. That is why i am looking for different approaches since mine did not work.

"If this post needs to be moderated I would prefer it to be completly removed and not edited and butchered into a disney movie" - DorkZone Hero

[skyrider 0]

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Bitching to us (strangers) before talking to her .... way to go man

Seems to me, if'n you can;t talk to her about anything ... you're not right together.

Got to be one jerk in every crowd!

[shropshire 0]

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Bitching to us (strangers) before talking to her .... way to go man

Seems to me, if'n you can;t talk to her about anything ... you're not right together.

Got to be one jerk in every crowd!

We take turns around here ... today's mine

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[skyrider 0]

[Nataly 38]

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Bringing this to the forum instead of talking to her about it - yep, that will "definitely" solve the problem .

O

I was asking for advice so i could talk to her about it further...since my previous attempts werent working. Maybe you shouldnt skim things if you plan on commenting.

Edit to add: Since apperently I wasnt clear in the first post I have tried discussing this several times with her. Not the issues as a whole but I address little things as they come up. In case anyone else missed it in my first post i did point i always try to confront problems early on.

So...so sum up AGAIN...for the skimmers....this has been discussed. Nothing changed. That is why i am looking for different approaches since mine did not work.

I don't think he's necessarily skimming.. You may have hinted, but it doesn't sound like you've really communicated how you feel to her (and yet you're being very open on here).

I'm not criticising, but certainly the way forward seems to be to talk to her..

I'm obviously only getting your side of the story, but let me just say this.. My recent ex really wanted to move in with me, but every time he was in "my space" he drove me nuts.. I lived with the guy before him for about 4 years, and we almost *never* got in each-other's nerves.. It's made me realise that some people you can live with and others you can't. Sometimes it really is that simple.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[airtwardo 7]

Repeat after me...

It rubs the lotion on itself or it gets the hose again!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[JohnMitchell 16]

Love conquers all.
And if not, really good sex ought to do it.

Let me know how this advice works out.
Seriously, it sounds like you don't want to commit, so you look for issues. And that's fine if she's not the one for you. But you need to talk and see what each other want in the relationship. Some women hope living together leads to marriage and family. Others don't care. But you need to find out.

This time it'll be the man saying those scary words "We need to talk about our relationship."

[jtnesbitt 0]

Nataly,

I understand what you are saying. What I have been trying to do is talk to her with the issues as they arise. Instead of saying "i'm fed up with this shit" and being too broad I have been trying to talk to her about individual things. I need more help in the kitchen, please dont leave your clothes all over the place, sometimes i do want to go out with my friends without you, i played WAY more than my current 2-3 hours a week of video games before you were here, i dont mind cuddling but you do have to put your legs on my lap everytime we sit on the couch?

You see....in MY head...i figured addressing the individual issues would be much more effective than just saying i need my space. By pointing out and discussing the issues individually i figured we could hash them out and work on them faster. Well it isnt working. THAT....is why i am coming to an online forum and asking like minded people for their thoughts.

The general consensus seems to be that i do need to approach this more broad, but site examples. At least that is what i am gathering from comments, which i really do appreciate from almost everyone.

"If this post needs to be moderated I would prefer it to be completly removed and not edited and butchered into a disney movie" - DorkZone Hero

[skyrider 0]

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Nataly,

I understand what you are saying. What I have been trying to do is talk to her with the issues as they arise. Instead of saying "i'm fed up with this shit" and being too broad I have been trying to talk to her about individual things. I need more help in the kitchen, please dont leave your clothes all over the place, sometimes i do want to go out with my friends without you, i played WAY more than my current 2-3 hours a week of video games before you were here, i dont mind cuddling but you do have to put your legs on my lap everytime we sit on the couch?

You see....in MY head...i figured addressing the individual issues would be much more effective than just saying i need my space. By pointing out and discussing the issues individually i figured we could hash them out and work on them faster. Well it isnt working. THAT....is why i am coming to an online forum and asking like minded people for their thoughts.

The general consensus seems to be that i do need to approach this more broad, but site examples. At least that is what i am gathering from comments, which i really do appreciate from almost everyone.

Now you sound like a nagging woman.....Cut to the chase, Tell her how you feel...Period!

[jtnesbitt 0]

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Now you sound like a nagging woman.....Cut to the chase, Tell her how you feel...Period!

hahaha, nah, i know i cant win on here. If i would have posted that I have tried to talk to her about it broadly then people would tell me that I'm not addressing the individual issues.

"If this post needs to be moderated I would prefer it to be completly removed and not edited and butchered into a disney movie" - DorkZone Hero

[skyrider 0]

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Now you sound like a nagging woman.....Cut to the chase, Tell her how you feel...Period!

hahaha, nah, i know i cant win on here. If i would have posted that I have tried to talk to her about it broadly then people would tell me that I'm not addressing the individual issues.

Invite her to read this thread!

[PLFXpert 0]

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Any outside insight, thoughts, advice would be awesome.

You have had enough "talk to her" advice.

I only offer insight, thoughts...

I am the independent-needs-personal-space in my relationship, though my situation is vastly different than yours and rather awesome.

Agree with Wendy on the man-cave and submit there is such a thing as a "woman-cave", too.

I also offer "hope" in that I have been living with the love-of-my-life for 9 1/2 years (been together 10) and s...l...o...w...l...y, but surely, I have needed much less "cave time" and needed far less personal space.

Paint me in a corner, but my color comes back.

[Andy9o8 2]

Social pressure nothwithstanding, Co-Habitational Significant Otherism ain't necessarily for everyone. Some people simply are best off living alone. You might be one of them.

[ryoder 1,590]

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Move on...before she ends up Preggers!

And also be sure it isn't your half-sister:

http://www.couriermail.com.au/lifestyle/irish-couple-who-fell-in-love-at-nightclub-and-have-child-find-out-they-are-siblings/story-e6frer4f-1225873683688

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Nataly 38]

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What I have been trying to do is talk to her with the issues as they arise.

It just seems to me that the little things are not the problem - they are the symptoms.. So by addressing the symptoms you don't (seem to) get to the root of the problem.

Confronting the issues as they arise in this case looks a little bit more like avoiding the real problem(s)..

Again.. I'm only going by what little you have posted on here, and my impression isn't necessarily an accurate assessment of the situation.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[davjohns 1]

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Bringing this to the forum instead of talking to her about it - yep, that will "definitely" solve the problem .

O

The O has returned to the forums. I happy.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.