shropshire 0 #1 July 11, 2010 An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ...... ......... ......... "F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral." (.)Y(.) Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #2 July 11, 2010 Good Lord... that's funny! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Niki1 2 #3 July 12, 2010 The church service was letting out and the parishners were exiting and the priest was at the door. Mary O'Riley came to him and said, "Father, my husband died last night." The priest said, "Oh, Mary. I'm so sorry for you. Did he have any last words?" " "Yes, he did, Father. He said, 'Mary, please put that damn gun down."Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done. Louis D Brandeis Where are we going and why are we in this basket? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pbwing 0 #4 July 12, 2010 It's the All Ireland Footbal Final, and a man makes his way to his seat at mid field. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Finals and not use it?" The neighbour says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Finals we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or a relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MikeJD 0 #5 July 12, 2010 Father O'Malley is on holiday with his family. On checking in at the hotel, he leans in to speak discreetly to the receptionist: "I just wanted to make sure - can you confirm that the pornography channel is disabled?" "No, you sick bastard," comes the outraged reply. "It's just regular porn." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 35 #6 July 12, 2010 Quote It's the All Ireland Footbal Final, and a man makes his way to his seat at mid field. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Finals and not use it?" The neighbour says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Finals we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or a relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral." I've seen this before, but it was written up for college football in the southeastern USA. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pbwing 0 #7 July 12, 2010 HA. I just got an email this morning, but it was worded for NHL Hockey... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Niki1 2 #8 July 12, 2010 Mrs. O'Keefe hears a knock at her door and answering it she sees 2 of her husbands co-workers. "Oh, Colleen. We've got some terrible news. Your husband Tom died at work today. He fell into the big vat of beer and drowned." Mrs. O'Keefe says, "Oh, Good Lord! Did he at least go quickly?" "No, Colleen, he didn't. He had to get out 3 times to pee."Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done. Louis D Brandeis Where are we going and why are we in this basket? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #9 July 13, 2010 My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" "Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
towerrat 0 #10 July 13, 2010 what's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk Play stupid games, win stupid prizes! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
