The joke thread

[nigel99 572]

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Buddy of mine got a text slideshow with a bunch of chicks with dogs. I got a strong stomach, but that bout made me blow chunks.

Chunks? Chunks is my dog!

Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

[feuergnom 29]

It’s in the woods. A monkey is sitting in a tree. Preparing a shot of heroin. Just as he’s getting ready for his hit, the rabbit comes along. “Hey monkey, drugs are evil, drugs are evil, lets go jogging instead!” The monkey puts the syringe away and off they go.

After a while they meet the bear who’s just getting ready to get a goooood dose of cocaine. After all he’s a big bear. “Hey bear, drugs are evil, drugs are evil. Why don’t you join me and monkey for jogging. You know joggingis nice and healthy and way better than these veil drugs. Come with us…” Finally he convinces the bear and off they go

A little later they meet the lion, who’s rolling a big, fat joint reeeeeeaaaaaal easy. “Hey lion, drop the roach, lets go jogging, drugs are evil…” as he’s babbling away the lion finishes rolling his joint, leans over and hits the rabbit making him fly far away.
“Why did you hit the poor rabbit”, asks the monkey
Lions answer: “I’ve had it - everytime the fucking rabbit took some ecstasy everybody has to go jogging”

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666

[Heatmiser 0]

What you say is reflective of your knowledge...HOW ya say it is reflective of your experience. Airtwardo

Someone's going to be spanked! Hopefully, it will be me. Skymama

[BillyVance 34]

An oldie, but still makes me laugh.

A 54-year old woman had a heart attack, and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed instantly by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

(You'll love this!)













God replied: “I didn't recognize you.”

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[davjohns 1]

Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He
smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know
why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtnXWwzn368&feature=player_embedded

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[kallend 2,108]

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Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He
smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know
why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=2449246;search_string=lost%20today%20laid;#2449246

www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=1485049;search_string=lost%20today%20laid;#1485049

www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=516287;search_string=lost%20today%20got%20laid;#516287

...

The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one.

[skyrider 0]

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Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He
smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know
why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=2449246;search_string=lost%20today%20laid;#2449246

www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=1485049;search_string=lost%20today%20laid;#1485049

www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=516287;search_string=lost%20today%20got%20laid;#516287

You weren;t popular in school were you?

[BillyVance 34]

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them." demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[skyrider 0]

Stealing it!

[skyrider 0]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, a salty old Marine who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort to be with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time - just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'


'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'


Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[davjohns 1]

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could
tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a
Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small
can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue ..

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit
her with the shovel.'

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[theonlyski 8]

An Irish man is at the bar, the barkeep tells him that it is time to close up so the man stands up to leave then suddenly falls. Oh my he says I must of had way to much to drink. So he crawls home and sneaks into bed hoping his wife wont hear. The next morning when he wakes up his wife is cooking, and the irish man thinks " woo got out of one with the wife last night" She walks into the room and says "the bar keep called, You forgot your wheelchair last night."

"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

[BillyVance 34]

NAG, NAG, NAG...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[ryoder 1,590]

I heard this over the weekend on NPR's "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me":

The host asked one of the panelists a question about "BP".
The panelist started talking about the latest Bristol Palin story.
The host interrupted and pointed out the question was about British Petroleum.

Panelist: "Oh. Well both stories are about drilling accidents."

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[theonlyski 8]

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer.

"What happened?" asked the farmer.

Liam replied, "My parachute failed to open."

"Well," said the farmer, "if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday."

"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

[happythoughts 0]

Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife asks, "Why don't you take you old friend Milton, and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Noddy.

"I don't remember."

[headoverheels 333]

Harry is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"
She says, "Anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Charlie?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Charlie."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."

[happythoughts 0]

NSFW

CSI Miami

You know this is how it works...

[BillyVance 34]

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'

'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[d_squared431 0]

LMAO..





(see billy, all you have to do is type "LMAO" then a smiley face and that is not a waste of bandwidth.. )

TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1
I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH
You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly

[BillyVance 34]

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LMAO..





(see billy, all you have to do is type "LMAO" then a smiley face and that is not a waste of bandwidth.. )

Hitting the icon saves me time. My post numbers are a testament to my prolificity.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[d_squared431 0]

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LMAO..





(see billy, all you have to do is type "LMAO" then a smiley face and that is not a waste of bandwidth.. )

Hitting the icon saves me time. My post numbers are a testament to my prolificity.

Yes, but I am not a bandwidth waster like you....

TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1
I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH
You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly

[skyrider 0]

Bandwidth waste? we really need an Eye rolly emoticon...I'll use my personal one for now!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v400/onekick/Gifs/skyroll.gif

[BillyVance 34]

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Bandwidth waste? we really need an Eye rolly emoticon...I'll use my personal one for now!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v400/onekick/Gifs/skyroll.gif

Awesome!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban